skull_weblog

SISTA #19

Afrocentric

Rating: FOUR "Wall-To-Wall Carpeting" BUSTED NUTS

Girl-on-girl action: I don’t think there's a more common and overused phrase in the English language.

God, you know how much goddamn girl-on-girl action I see? Enough to make you grow a pussy, that's how much.

Just last week, during gay pride and me being a lesbo and all, I saw more raw pussy than you will ever see in your entire life. I had three 3-ways, 1 orgy and 2 sittings of public sex in the span of 3 fucking days. Needless to say I know what girl-on-girl action looks like.

CARMEN HAYES. NO SAUSAGE. NO SUCKING. NO SPOOGE. BUT LOTS OF LESBO SERVICE. YEAH. LOTS.

But you know what makes me sad? Bad girl-on-girl-action. If you got a pussy and don’t know how to work it, what the fuck's wrong with you? It’s like owning a car all your life and not knowing how to drive.

Fortunately, these women know how to drive. Yeah, I was skeptical. The stills look like the typical: deer-in-the-headlight “I don’t know how to work a goddamn pussy even if it came with a manual and I knew how to read” type of trite shit, but you couldn’t pry these ladies off the pussy with a red-hot spatula. CARMEN HAYES is a bonfire pussy hound with the tits you could die in.

SO, overall, it’s a pretty decent production, but for future notice? I’d like to see it a little more fucking
ruggedness. I want some rough women that’ll slap the shit out of you and spit in your face, all the while eating that pussy like it was covered in straight-up white china. Or china white. Whichever. -- LUCKY LESBO LUCIANO

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WET DREAMS, WET PANTIES

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: FIVE "Dreams Do Come True Dorothy, Especially The Ones With Loads" BUSTED NUTS

A "Wet Dream" is a nocturnal emission that which occurs as a result of sexual fantasy.

Well, yes and no.

In this Cherry Boxxx fuck flick each girl is found nude in different level of sleep wherein they imagine and/or fantasize about who will be doing what to them and where and how good it's going to feel.

VANESSA LANE ORDERING UP A NICE BIG CUP OF COCONUT OIL

Imagine a big natural tit nitwit, who is as tall as she is stupid. Florida native BROOKE is one tall drink of OJ, with a fresh-faced sex appeal that reminds the viewer of PHOENIX STAR. Yes, this big dummy is a sure pleaser as she begs "please, please, please shoot it on my tits". A statement that in my opinion could just as easily be construed as, “please don’t shoot it on my face, LOOK my tits are right here, look!” But that’s only me; she may, in fact, actually like loads oh-so-carefully placed on her big natural Tay Tays.

“Starring” VANESSA LANE and DAWN KELLY, these are just a few of the “big” names you could expect to jerk one off to.

Stroke away pal! -- ITALIAN SAL

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JOHN LESLIE'S CRACK HER JACK #4

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "With The Lid Off" BUSTED NUTS

So we have ARIEL SUMMERS, running cock like it’s going to cure Parkinson’s, playing the empathetic role of method actor and philanthropist —shaking and mumbling, stumbling and fumbling like MICHAEL J. FOX at a stilt convention. All is good in the world — someone just adopted a kitten; somewhere first “I love yous” are being exchanged; something just went well for someone down on their luck. Sun is shining, birds are chirping, children are frolicking happily in neighborhood parks…

CONSIDER IT CRACKED. ARIEL SUMMERS PRE-PISS.

“Thanks a lot for that”, she exclaims. We welcome her -- grab her a towel and a glass of water. We notice she’s pissing uncontrollably and grabbing schlong as if it were a lifejacket and the toilet was swelling. TOM WAITS croons about the world being green in the back of our ears and we believe him for just one second.

Surely that slip in time is worth $19.99 — it’s cheaper than rock and you don’t have to trade it for a blowjob. It’s self-perpetuating like that—and that is beautiful, lovely, and a bunch of other adjectives.

The rest of this disc isn’t too shabby either — it’s standard fare; more chicks than dicks (which is always a plus though some production studios don’t recognize such) — quality talent (the SAANA/SAMANTHA RYAN and MELISSA LAUREN/ROXETTE tag teams are particularly notable): Loads on chins, loads on tits, loads on loads — just as we demand it.

Could it be that the bastards are finally listening to us?

And if so, what’s our next excuse for reckless insensitivity and pugilism? Incorrigible violent episodes? Who is going to bail us out when we stop attacking out of a sense of fulfilling justice and turn on our own out of mere habit and necessity?

Fuck. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

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AS BILLIONS BLOOM RAPPER EVE BONES BANANA TO CASH IN ON PARIS HILTON'S HORDE OF JACK; PLUS SKULLGAME CELEBRATES RETRIBUTION WITH OUR NEWEST ADDITION LT. TODD ATKINS WHILE RON JEREMY'S COCK FUCKS ON & MARIAH CAREY FATS UP ON FUCK OIL, FRIED CHICKEN!

BUT first a SkullGame Public Service FRED BURKE Announcement ...

RECOGNIZE THE HOUSE?

...street crime is running rampant...with no regard to class, race, religion, or the fact that you live in apartment 108 in the Truman building. It could strike anywhere, anytime at all...in the streets, byways or apartment 108 in the Truman building where just about any FRED BURKE might find themselves shot, stabbed, or strangled for 50 cents, a TV, or a very, very heavy drug burn, for example. So all of you FRED BURKE be careful out there. In apartment 108. In the Truman building.

Thanks for listening.

EVE BREAKS HER SILENCE ON BANANA FUCKING, LOOKS TO PARIS HILTON FOR SUGGESTIONS ON SAUSAGES, FILM RIGHTS

"I MADE MILLIONS...AND YOU CAN TOO!!!"

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- R&B star EVE is fuming after a homemade sex tape she filmed when she was 21 was leaked onto the Internet without price points, pay-per-view or a PARIS HILTON-sponsored back end deal. The 30-second video shows the singer and then boyfriend, Bad Boy Entertainment producer Stevie J, working the business end of a banana and is dated November 20, 1999.

Eve has taken immediate legal action to have the footage pulled from the Web until such time as they can add price points, pay-per-view or a PARIS HILTON-sponsored back end deal, and her spokesperson has issued a statement attacking its leak.

It claims the tape was made "years ago with her boyfriend of over two years. The fact that a private moment is being made public without any Hiltonesque pay day behind it is a violation of um, the sausage pay day statutes, and we would hope that people would respect her 'fucking bananas for free' privacy as they would their own banana fucking."

A friend tells the New York Daily News, "She's devastated by not getting paid for this. She's hired a private investigator to see if she can paid for this. She can't figure out how this got out without her getting paid for this. (Stevie J) says he has nothing to do with her not getting paid for this and is also horrified because he has kids that eat bananas. Then he drove off in a Rolls Royce. Laughing."

PIPEDREAM, WHILE PIPING & DREAMING, SIGNS RON JEREMY TO FIVE YEAR EXCLUSIVE NOVELTY CONTRACT

AGGHHHHHHHH....IT'S JUST...AGGGGGHHHHHH.... NOT FUNNY ANY....AGGGGHHHHHH......

DEADHORSEONIA (SkullGame) -- Pipedream Signs RON JEREMY to a five-year exclusive novelty contract, which sort of makes sense as there is, in fact, NOTHING novel about Jeremy, his well-abused crank or him well-abusing crank and counting money in his palatial San Fernando Valley townhouse.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

THE LIVE AID OF 2005, LIVE 8, HIRES SOMEONE REALLY IN TOUCH WITH WORLD SUFFERING: MARIAH CAREY

"I ABSOLUTELY CARE ABOUT WORLD HUNGE....WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?!?!? NO GODDAMNED WIRE FUCKING HANGERS!!!!!...I'M SORRY. WHERE WAS I? OH YES, WORLD HUNGER IS BAD.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Curvaceous, the media word for FAT singer and licensed lunatic MARIAH CAREY is on a strict diet in a bid to wow the crowds of starving Sudanese at this Saturday's Live 8 concert in London.
The hitmaker, who is enjoying a career resurgence with her new hit album, The Emancipation of Mimi, will join other contributors to world hunger MADONNA, Pink Floyd, Sir Elton John, Robbie Williams, Sir Paul McCartney, Sting and U2, among others, at the concert in Hyde Park.

Carey enthuses, "This, I mean for me, is such a special event for me, personally. I want to sing my best and look my best as I think the Suranamesians, or whatever they're called, will like focusing on me and my millions, you know, to take their troubles away, so I've been working on my voice to make sure it's in top condition and working on my body, too. I've been dieting and exercising non-stop so I can get into the outfit I want to wear.

Without Darfur I'd never have lost those last 5 or 20 pounds."

LT. TODD ATKINS GETS A TEACHING DEGREE

ON FAR RIGHT ATKINS IS THE NEWEST TO OUR TEAM. READ ON, READ ON...

Not many people know this, but my girlfriend has a son from her previous marriage. He doesn’t have a strong father figure in his life because his dad is a deadbeat jackass, so I step in and provide a strong male role model for him.

He is in middle school, an age where a boy really needs a father figure. Anyway, little Ricky and me really get along great. Over the past few weeks, I have taught him some cool navy vocabulary (just not in front of his mom), some SCARS and NHB tactics in case he gets into a scuffle and has to defend himself against a bully, and basically I have taught him how to be a badass and a real man like his future step father.

Well, over the past few days Ricky’s mom has been getting notes from his teachers on a daily basis complaining about his behavior, saying he has been cursing at his teachers, beating up on other students, and just generally causing trouble.

I chuckled when I read them because I knew I was doing my job and the kid wouldn’t grow up to be some sissy fag after all, like I had worried about when I first met him. Ricky’s mom and me got into some arguments over this very issue, but I put the old Atkins charm on her and she didn’t stay mad long. Face it, with a body and face like mine, what female could stay mad at me for any extended period of time?

All this was fine and good until Friday. On Friday Ricky came home with a note saying that he was in big trouble for lying to the teachers face! Ricky was very angry, so angry that he was crying. I asked him what it was all about and he said that his teacher accused him of cheating on a test, something he said he said he didn’t do, but that he had been accused of cheating because he was white and the teacher was an Islander.

The note also went on to say that Ricky would fail for the semester and have to repeat next year. I could tell Ricky was telling the truth, we learned how to tell if someone was telling the truth during our SCARS training course in the Navy so I called up the teacher and just gave her hell.

“Listen, I may have taught Ricky a few choice words and how to throw down in the schoolyard, but I would never teach the boy to lie or cheat. Frankly, I think you don’t know what the hell you are talking about missy! I also think you’re a blatant racist, I have had to deal with your type before and you make me sick! It’s a damn good thing you are several miles away right now, because if I was in the same room as you I would smack the mascara off of your fat ugly face!”

That really set the bitch off. She told me I wouldn’t dare say any of that to her face, because white boys like me are all pussies. That did it. I slammed the phone down, brought Ricky with me, got in my monster truck and peeled out of the driveway. I showed up at the school a few minutes later and stormed inside.

Ricky directed me to her room and I didn’t bother to knock on the door, I just kicked it in. She saw me and her jaw dropped. Looking down, I realized in my haste I had forgotten to put a shirt on and my bulging muscles were evident for all to see, no wonder why this bitch was so scared! I instantly read her the riot act, calling her every name in the book.

I guess we were arguing very loudly, because in the middle of our conversation her husband (who was also a teacher there) snuck into the room and tried to put a chokehold on me. Of course, it was a typical Islander cowardly move. Even though he was bigger than me, he felt the need to sneak up behind me and try and choke me like other Islanders have done to me. Unfortunately for him, I had been in this situation before.

By learned instinct, I delivered a reverse headbutt followed up by a reverse backfist to the groin that dropped the big goon. I leaned over and punched him in the face repeatedly with Roy Jones like speed and when I was about to launch another flurry Ricky’s teacher ran over and jumped onto me to stop the beating. She was as light as a doll and I tossed her across the room, slamming her dark face against the chalk board. I followed her to the floor, pinned her down, achieved a full mount, and put my elbow in her throat.

I asked her, “now tell me, what grade did Ricky really earn in this class?” At first, she tried to fight me, but she soon realized that her puny girly strength was no match for my powerful, sculpted body. Ricky brought over a new blank report card and forced her to fill it out while I had her pinned down. I think it goes without saying that the grade was a dramatic improvement. On the way out I reached down into her purse and grabed her wallet, "Looks like she is paying for lunch today Ricky" I said out loud.

This also just goes to show that even if you never went to some fancy teaching college, you can still be a very effective teacher. -- Lt. Todd Atkins (TM)

SO I DATE A LOT!!! SO WHAT!!?!

Petaluma police and federal drug agents seized as much as 15 gallons of a substance believed to be the "date rape" drug GHB in a weekend drug bust -- enough, they say, for at least 70,000 doses. Thomas Miller, a 35-year-old personal trainer from Santa Rosa, remained jailed in Sonoma County on Monday in lieu of $50,000 bail, charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell, though he claims it was for personal use only. Investigators learned of the shipment Friday night when officials at the DHL delivery service called Petaluma police to report receiving a 110-pound steel keg that had arrived from China.

SLAM IT! IN DEEPER

Harmony

Rating: THREE "Dark In The City, Night Is A Wire" BUSTED NUTS

SkullGame's JUDGE ROY "MR." BEAN recently spoke in regard to another volume of one-named-director MACONDO'S SLAM IT! series.

ROXANNE HALL: BRITISH & ABOUT TO GET BANGED LIKE A FUCKING CANNON

The jiz of what he said was that the movie enhanced some quality boning with a plethora of "music video" stylizations and special effects to make said proceedings seem sophisticated and windswept. But, in essence, the effects succeed solely in fucking shit up.

Which is the situation here.

One scene is rendered entirely in black and white for no discernible reason other than, umm... no, there is no discernible reason. Unless "Macondo" is European for "Hello, I'm a pretentious fuck who needs a kick in the nuts with a goddamn clog."

Another scene uses a strobe effect and/or frame-skipping -- some stuttery crap -- to sabotage an otherwise intense lez-off between three skanks.

Yet another pairs ROXANNE "DARYL" HALL of the musical group Hall & Oates with submissive GINA in side-by-side reverse cowgirl anal. With an excess of ass-to-mouth. And NO ersatz visual effects to spoil it.

Which meant?

Coconut oil! Promptly dispensed to all parts of the motherfucking room! -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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JAIL HOUSE GIRLS

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: FIVE "Was That Mike Tyson?" BUSTED NUTS

Who ever thought a night in jail could include so much boning of the “non-male-on-male blown-out sphincter variety”?

Not I.

"ME NEITHER." ALEXIS MALONE AFTER HAVING "FALLEN ON A BOTTLE." JAILHOUSE STYLE.

Cherry Boxxx, however, seen the writing on the wall and decided with all the critical acclaim heaped on movies like THE GREEN MILE, THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, and AMERICAN ME that what the porn viewing public needed now more than ever was a look inside the belly of the beast. And a look inside is exactly what you get, deep inside. Deep inside sexy ass bitches the likes of ALEXIS MALONE and TYRA, to name just a few.

Each and every scene starts out pretty much the same with various girls trying to talk some lowly non-law enforcement type minimum wage employee into some type of perk in exchange for a thorough cell house boning of the “non-male-on-male blown-out sphincter variety.”

Incidentally every scene ends pretty much the same wherein the female prisoner realizes that the minimum wage earner she just boned has been getting boned by the system all along and has virtually no power to enhance her cell house stay whatsoever. Pouting her sperm encrusted lips the erstwhile cell house dweller is left with the results of her latest addition to a life long line of poor decision-making and even poorer impulse control.

Hey look at it this way: at least your sphincter is intact…for now. -- ITALIAN SAL

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BELLADONNA'S FUCKING GIRLS AGAIN

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "Enterprising" BUSTED NUTS

The other day, whilst sitting in the studio, I glanced over and saw a friend of mine’s To-Do list glancing back at me. The first order of the day was

“Call Tim. Score good nugs.”

The second: “Call Joelle. Lie and tell her I’m not getting high anymore.”

Surely I don’t have to explain the beauty of this to you; but you may be questioning it’s relevance to BELLADONNA—and the fucking of girls. Again.

BELLADONNA PREPARING FOR MOTHERFUCKINGHOOD: "HOW MANY GODDAMNED TIMES I GOTTA TELL YOU?!?!? NO...FUCKING...WIRE....HANGERS!!!!

Let’s put it this way—somebody needs to slip this boy her cell number; so he can give her some tips in being dodgy when social services calls wondering why her newborn turned out a fucking waterhead…

Yes, yes, here we have Belladonna, one of the most prolific jizz mops in the industry continuing to exercise her rights as well…a goddamned jizz mop; while being quite visibly pregnant. We’re talking pregnant enough to make the average viewer wince at the invisible shoe you can swear she’s getting ready to throw at you; pregnant enough to warrant you changing your address and growing a moustache.

“But it’s girl-on-girl”, you say. “Soft and sensuous—delicate erotica…”

Tell that to the kid that just got thumped on the head by half the Gamelink back catalogue of bang sticks. Poor motherfucker is going to drop out of her womb thinking he just mouthed off at the SkullGame office. This will either toughen him up enough to join rank or ensure him a spot on Maury Povich—but hey, that’s not our cross to bear…

Part Mr. Wizard re-run/part Mengele’s “medical” facility—this 2 disc, ridiculously expansive set comes complete with poking and prodding of the most irreverent nature and MELISSA LAUREN getting a face full of soiled toilet. So, of course, it warrants a high rating because our bag is that of the mysterious off-white powder, not moral entrepreneurship. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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SKULLGAME'S SCIENTIFIC LOOK AT THE SUCKJOB WE JUST GOT FROM SAMANTHA: AN ENQUIRY. PLUS: WRITER TERRY McMILLAN BAD WRITES HER HUZ INTO HOMOTRY & ON RELATED NOTE, TOM & KATIE & WHITNEY & BOBBY ALL TO TRY FUCKING, INSTEAD OF SUCKING, FOR A CHANGE.

BUT first another Public Service Porn Announcement to DICK DELAWARE from the concerned citizens of Masturbatonia...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. FOR JUST LISTENING.

THE SAMANTHA SUCKJOB: A PSYCHOSOCIOLOGICAL ENQUIRY INTO THE NATURE OF SUCKING, JOBBING & SUCKJOBBING

SAMANTHA AT POOLSIDE IN WHAT WE IN LITERARY CIRCLES CALL "FORESHADOWING"

SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- Consider if you will a one MS. SAMANTHA G. Now for those of you who might not be regular readers Samantha was the republican tit queen who was interviewed by SkullGame a few months ago. Make that "interviewed". That you may know. But what you don't know is this: she was quitting the biz, that is the biz of extracting semen directly for those who might then extract it by proxy that is to say indirectly aided by her filmwork, for a life of matrimonial bliss and extracting semen for one man.

This news hit our own VINNIE ROSE like a ton of fucking bricks. The love that he had come to have for her and her successfully delivered suckjobs was face to face with her desire to eat bon bons in a Florida trailerpark and the chocolate won out. So as the only kind of wedding present that seems appropriate VINNIE sent the soon-to-be-newlyweds the SkullGame Institute's Prostitute Probe into the Gank Gumming. Forthwith.

HERE YOU'LL NOTE DESPITE MY IMPRESSIVE LENGTH & GIRTH THAT SHE'S HAVING NO PROBLEM AT ALL GUMMING MY GANK. THIS IS PSYCHOSOCIOLOGICALLY IMPRESSIVE.

"Samantha...well what can I say? She was so adept at sucking down my entire length of sausage that I didn't even KNOW that she had done so. What I DID know was that I was about to blow my load AND $100 down her throat and so I had to quickly get to the fucking. She complained that this hurt her throat. Points off for this, but points that were quickly redeemed by the overall high quality of the fucking. It was at this point that she asked 'do you want to come on my tits?' And before I could even answer she added, 'but NOT on my face. I think that's degrading.' So it was with sausage sorrow that in protest we came in her cooch. Or rather in the condom in her cooch. Case closed.

Until we received her wedding announcement. And THIS.

I GUESS THIS'S JUST THE KIND OF PERSON SHE IS. THIS IS A PSYCHOSOCIOLOGICAL DISGRACE.

So to you soon-to-be-happily married back knifers I just want to say, 'you stole my heart. You broke my heart and even worse you broke my load's heart. I hope you're happy.'"

BAD WRITER OF BLACK WOMAN POSITIVE FICTION FOR OLDER BROADS GAYS HER HUSBAND INTO DIVORCE, SKULLGAME BITTERLY AMUSED

PROFESSIONAL RACE MIXER TAYE DIGGS & HOT BITCH ACTRESS THAT IS NO REAL REFLECTION ON TERRY MCMILLAN'S REAL LIFE PERSONAGE PLAY THE WRITER & HER ERSTWHILE & NOW SAUSAGE SEEKING SOON-TO-BE-EX-HUSBAND

OAKLAND (SkullGame) -- In a tale rich, some would even say laden with loads, irony and loads of irony, and now divorce, bad writer Terry McMillan -- whose celebrated romance and subsequent marriage to a man 23 years her junior became the subject of her fictionized best-seller and movie of the same name "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" -- actually got her groove back with a man, Jonathan Plummer, who she drove to bathhouse gayness.

McMillan, 53, said in court documents that the marriage was based on a "fraud'' because Plummer lied about "enjoying my sensitive but sassy black womanized fiction, my stilted writing fashion, honey chile, AND his sexual orientation, which is apparently: gay blade," and married her only to gain U.S. citizenship. "It was devastating to discover that a relationship I had publicized to the world as life-affirming and built on and around mutual love and the crushing of his testis in an Oprah-like vise of post-modern super-sensitivity, was actually based on deceit,'' she wrote in her declaration. "I was humiliated."

Plummer, 30, countered in court papers of his own that McMillan has turned on him with a "homophobic'' vengeance by trying to void the couple's prenuptial agreement that cleared his access to most of the millions she's earned as a writer as well as remunerating him for his 368 man hours spent servicing the distended and fleshy demands of a woman old enough to be his mother.

Good luck with all that Tuan.

BOB & CAROL & TED & ALICE & KATIE & TOM & WHITNEY ALL TRY TO FOIST THEIR HORRID DNA ON THE REST OF US. FOREVER. AND EVER. WILL NOTHING STOP THIS BREEDERS OF TERROR??!!?

"NOW IF Y'ALL'LL EXCUSE ME, I GOT SOME FUCKING TO DO."

FANTASYLAND (SkullGame) -- WHITNEY HOUSTON is doing so well following her recent fifth stint in a rehabitorium and her return to Fantasyland, she is trying for another baby with her husband, Bobby Brown. Especially if by trying you mean fucking a lot. Both Houston and Brown have gone through battles with drug abuse, that have left them confused about the exact process involved in conceiving children but as long as she's "sucking, I ain't saying nothing," said a clearly inebriated Brown.

Despite his repeated surrenderings to her mumbled mouth ministrations, singer Brown is delighted at his wife's improved condition and her desire to extend their family, however dogheadedly applied. He says, "We're trying for another baby. ... She wants a boy, and I want her to be happy."

AND in a related story from Fantasyland.

TOM CRUISE & KATIE HOLMES CARRY JOKE A LITTLE TOO FUCKING FAR

"WHAT?!?! KATIE'LL BE HERE SOON...WHAT?!?! ME & JOSEPH ARE JUST TALKING!!! YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT...TALKING."

TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES already are "planning" to "start" a "family", just a week after they got "engaged" and three months after they met. The whirlwind insane romance has shocked Hollywood, coming out of the blue soon after Holmes' split from longterm fiance Chris Klein and a year after Cruise left former lover Penelope Cruz.

But Cruise insisted their engagement is genuine at a New York premiere of his new movie, "War of the Worlds," and had nothing at all to do with shaking the stench of sausage that permeates almost all of doings much in the same way that PigPen's cloud of dust follows him in those old Charlie Brown cartoons.

When asked by a smirking SkullGame reporter if children were planned, the 42-year-old grinned and replied, "Yes."

When said smirking reporter added that they'd have to actually have to have heterosexual intercourse for this to happen, Cruise responded, "that's not what MICHAEL JACKSON said."

But he added, "We would have to talk to our families about it." Adding cryptically, "and Tuan."

READIN', WRITIN', & RECOILLESS RIFLERY FOR ALL

Federal agents arrested a South Florida elementary school teacher Thursday on suspicion of selling assault rifles to a convicted felon. Agents said Michael Garrison, who's a third-grade teacher at Madie Ives Elementary in North Miami Beach, sold an AK-47, a .308 caliber assault rifle and a 7.62 mm assault rifle to a known felon. Agents said he knew the weapons would be used in violent crimes.
Garrison will appear in Federal court Tuesday. A Local 10 News crew stopped by Garrison's house, but no one answered the door. "He seemed like he was a very nice, intelligent young man," said one neighbor. "He didn't bother nobody around here." Garrison is facing six different criminal counts. If convicted, he could face significant prison time and a $250,000 fine.

MANUEL FERRARA'S ANAL EXPEDITION #5

Am I packed?!? Fuck YEAH I'm

packed. All aboard...all aboard...

the Ass Train

223960

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

YO VINNIE,
First she says she wants to know EVERYTHING. Then I tell her everything and she gets angry, fucks a few of my friends to "even up" that anything and we start again. So now I tell her nothing and she accuses me of withholding and she gets angry, fucks a few of my friends and doesn't tell ME about it... to even us up again. I want to dump her but can't help feeling like I'm missing out on a good thing. What to do? -- Damned (by email)

JESUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM. WELL THAT JUST ABOUT SETTLES IT. I'M SUCKING EVERYONE'S COCK NOW.

Dear If You Do, Damned If You Don't: The SkullGame Dictum NUMBER FUCKING ONE? You've forgotten it already? Take ANY pussy you're being offered regardless of the terms. Her terms? Paradoxical zen-like requirements for a type of fidelity that's obviously a gateway to her and your friend's cocks. Your terms? Her spread wide pussy.

You see? So fucking simple.

As long as she's saying YES, she's not to be dumped...with the following provisos:

1) do not spend a fucking red cent (excepting possibly the gas to get you to aforementioned hole)

and

2) she's not interfering in your ability to get to other holes by like, well, say, cutting off your cock.

Outside of these, live it and love it baby. So to answer your question about what to do: get in the hole as many times as you can, listen to NOTHING she says, and if you do listen take NONE of it seriously. I mean you know how when you were 16 and thought you knew everything? And then you got to be 30 and realized what a tool you were? Well American women are, due to Oprah, The View and the Lilith Festival, permanently stuck in this state. For-fucking-ever.

So take the pussy and run, leaving all the rest of it behind to be dealt with by that other letter-writing sub-genre: "guys who are too nice."

CUM DUMPSTERS #5

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE "Scored Low On Our SATs Did We?" BUSTED NUTS

A compilation by Red Light dedicated to all things “load down the throat.” Fans of ingested and facial blown loads, will be crazy for CUM DUMPSTERS #5 because of what, if anything, is Cum Dumpsters, if not a tribute to the love of women and their love of loads and our love of women loving loads? In this movie you got the talk up, with the chick introducing herself, a little bit o' fucking and the subsequent introduction of the load to the chick's face…and/or mouth.

IN SEARCH OF: LOADS; JANET ALFANO'S FACE RESUMES ITS TIRELESS HUNT FOR THE SAME.

Jam-packed with 62 women loving every fluid ounce of the 128 blown loads; the DVD has 36 blown loads, as well as some really funny behind-the-scenes action to enjoy, you know, post blown load.

If you like your loads on the grill, in the maw or dribbling down the chin, every scene has exactly what you like. This one is a can’t miss, for any and all load-driven porn aficionado. -- ITALIAN SAL

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JUSTIN SLAYER'S MAMI CULO GRANDE

Evil Angel

Rating: TWO "My Style Is Impetuous, My Defense Is Impregnable" BUSTED NUTS

The title is Spanish for "I've got a big fucking assy ass" and those asses are proudly displayed on the cover. None come bigger than BREANA TABU'S. You can see her on the cover graphic accompanying this text. She's the one on the far left side, blocking out the sun. With the moon.

SHE SEES A RED DOOR & SHE WANTS TO PAINT IT BLACK. OH YEAH, AND SHE SHE WANTS TO SEE THE SUN BLOTTED OUT FROM THE SKY. WITH HER ASS. LADY & GENTLEMAN: MS. BREANA TABU.

And whilst you'd be right to think this ass-themed DVD is gonna give you some good ol' fashioned buggery, that is where, in point of fact, you'd be completely wrong. Simply put: None of these tubby J-LO-wannabes get fucked in the butt.

So this is where I yell, TOTAL GODDAMN BULLSHIT!

Sure sure, there's more to life than ass-banging and this movie does give you some of that. For instance:

1. No ass-banging.

The situation is compounded by the inclusion of trailers for some other JUSTIN SLAYER/Evil Angel efforts. Trailers in which EVERY FUCKING BITCH gets nailed in the ass. So why the problem here? They couldn't find an enema hose big enough for BREANA? -- MR. XTRA

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CATWOMAN GOES NAKED

Cherry Boxxx Pictures

Rating: FOUR "Halle Berry-esque Bitches" BUSTED NUTS

Imagine yourself sitting in your home in the San Fernando Valley, talking on the phone, maybe watching TV, and out of the corner of your eye you spy a fine ass woman running around in a patent leather cat woman suit…or…no suit at all, maybe just a cat woman mask. That’s it: naked chick, cat woman mask.

SAMMI RHODES, THE WORLD'S GREATEST REAL ESTATE AGENT, PRIOR TO HER DONNING OF THE CAT MASK & THE DOGGY STYLE

Now take that scenario insert blowjobs, doggy style, a reverse cowgirl, and multiply it by six.

What do you have?

Let me get my calculator….Just as I thought- CATWOMAN GOES NAKED.

What a prime buncha bitches Cherry Boxxx has lined up to creep around random houses in Chatsworth, CA wearing next to nothing at all. A veritable dream team of pussy starring SAMMI RHODES, JORDAN HAZE and MONICA SWEETHEART, to name a few, this movie IS a bit repetitive as far as the set up is concerned, but I could hardly give a fuck what with all the fine-ass poon crawling around on their respective hands and knees.

So what do we have?

A plot that they smash in you in the head with scene after scene after scene after scene after scene after scene and a fuck flick so stacked with A-Level pussy that you're willing to forgive just about anything at all just for the chance to jerk one, or four, off to it.

I say that’s a winner. -- ITALIAN SAL

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THE SPURS WIN! SKULLGAME'S CELEBRATION OF THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS WHEREIN WE'LL, UM, "DO A BUNCH OF GAY STUFF TO MARK THEIR WIN OF THE WORLD CUP OF GAY," SAYS PISTON FAN ROSE. PLUS: SHERYL CROW'S TINY TITS TERRORIZE TINSELTOWN + KATE MOSS' CRACK FLAP

BUT first SkullGame, in association with the Museum of German Achievement, along with Reinhard Gehlen's Christian West Commission, sponsors a symposium of lasting porn siginificance namely

HE MADE THE WORLD A SAFER, MORE LOVING PLACE FOR TEENAGE GIRLS TO URINATE ON WORLD LEADERS. THIS WAS GOOD. ESPECIALLY IF YOU WERE A WORLD LEADER WHO LIKES PISS. THEN IT WAS VERY GOOD. HE ALSO, UM, WAS A VEGETARIAN. AND I'M QUITE SURE HE'S A BIG MOBY FAN.

"IT'S A GAY, ER, I MEAN GREAT DAY!!!" SAYS TWO HUGGING SPURS PLAYERS, EYES GLISTENING WITH MANLY TEARS.

MVP TIM DUNCAN HOLDS MANU GINOBILI TIGHT. TIGHTLY TO HIS HEAVING CHEST. "IT'S OK, MY SWEET BABU. I HAVE SENT THE PISTONS AWAY. FAR, FAR AWAY.

SAN ANTONIO (SkullGame) -- With the NBA title on the line, Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs proved themselves worthy champions defeating the manly but outgayed Detroit Pistons 81-74 in a Game 7 that was thrilling as it was full of flouncing, mincing and any and all other manner of assorted gaiety. Duncan came up huge in the second half and was chosen finals MVP after having the worst playoff series of his career, while Manu Ginobili had another breakthrough performance Thursday night in the vogueing and skipping departments.

In a matchup of the past two NBA champions, the Spurs came through in the cock clutch to win their third title in seven years and deny Detroit the chance to repeat. Duncan had 25 points, 11 rebounds and about 2 quarts of semen in his stomach while shrugging off a stretch of eight straight misses that ended in the third quarter with the teams tied. Ginobili scored 23 points with a series of slashing, scintillating drives, big passes, and girlish repartee.

Behind Duncan, firmly behind him, the stoic established star, and Ginobili, the flashy young Argentine, the first Game 7 in more than a decade ended with the Spurs celebrating on their home court as silver, pink and black confetti streamed down from the rafters.

"We just played a great team. I don't know how the hell we did it, but I am thrilled," Spurs coach Gregg Popovich said after embracing his good friend, Detroit coach Larry Brown, as the game ended. Embracing. Tightly. Tightly.

TINY TIT TERROR!!!!! RUN!!! RUN!!! SAYS STOCKHOLM SYNDROME SUFFERER LANCE ARMSTRONG ABOUT FIANCEE SHERYL CROWS MAN BUMPS

AGGHHHAGAHHHAHHA....MY EYES!!! OL' LEMON FACE SURROUNDED BY LESBIANS WITH BEACH TOWELS WHILE A NATION MOURNS LANCE ARMSTRONG'S LONG ORDEAL

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- SHERYL CROW may be thinking twice about changing clothes out in the open after topless shots of her appear in the men's magazine Hustler. The singer was photographed earlier this year changing during a photo shoot for a fashion magazine in Malibu, and the exclusive pictures since have been sold to Larry Flynt's notorious publication.

According to executive editor Bruce David, "Crow's one dirty bitch. and I know something about dirty bitches. Now get the fuck out of MY OFFICE!!!! And LEAVE that goddamned cocaine RIGHT where the fuck it is!!!"

Eight shots will appear in the September 2005 issue of the soft-porn magazine, featuring pissing, cum on the upper lips of teenagers and, oh yeah, Crow wearing only skimpy panties and cowboy boots. And tiny tits.

KATE'S BOYFRIEND GATHERS NO MOSS; SKULLGAME SHRUGS ABOUT HEADLINE "IT'S FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH."

I'M BRUSHING MY TEETH!!! GIMME A FUCKING MINUTE.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- British supermodel KATE MOSS was left fuming after her drug addict rocker boyfriend Pete Doherty was banned from her best friend's 40th birthday celebrations. Actress-turned-fashion designer Sadie Frost refused to invite Babyshambles frontman Doherty to the lavish birthday bash in London over the weekend, fearing he would ruin her special night.

Last week, Doherty was ordered off a yacht owned by Moss' actress pal Davinia Taylor after he was caught smoking crack cocaine close to the boat's fuel tank.

A source tells Britain's the Daily Mirror, "Sadie was very wary of Pete's antics. After all, just the other day he was thrown out of his state room for smoking crack. Then out of the hallway for smoking crack. Then right the fuck off the stairwell for smoking crack. And then finally off the boat for smoking crack. "

By then Moss was so "incensed" by the decision, she "spent" the entire night "refusing" to "speak" to Frost withOUT smoking crack herself.

Perfect.

Fucking.

Perfect.

DADDDDDDD...?!!?!?!?!?!

A surprised homeowner was greeted by a sleeping thief who had broken into his house and fallen asleep on his couch. The robber had apparently broken into the house by breaking a window and fell asleep after drinking all the owner's alcohol. On returning home, Roberto Nunez found Oscar Filippa sleeping on his couch. Eventually Filippa was woken up by police officers who had arrived on the scene to arrest him. A police spokesperson said: "It is like Goldilocks on gin!"

JOHN STRONG'S SEX FIENDS #2

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FOUR "With A Right, Left, Right Left You're Toothless" BUSTED NUTS

I’m going to overstep my bounds, as I regularly do, and make John Strong an honorary SkullGame player—for he does it as only we do.

Step #1: Let a bitch use your phone.

Step #2: “…”

Step 3: Load on the chin.

18-YEAR OLD KARINA KAY. NEW. NEW TO THE WAYS OF LOADS. AND CHINS. AND TENDER. TENDER LOADS ON TENDER CHINS. NEW LOADS CHINS TENDERS. YES, FOLKS, LSD IS A DANGEROUS DRUG. NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YES, LOADIE LOADIE CHINNY CHIN CHIN!!!

It’s a tried and true formula—coming to a textbook near you once we sharpen our pencils. In fact, “tried and true” is what this disc is all about. Like pizza, Black Flag, and beer—taking a couple of pretty girls and dropping loads on their chins is pretty good even when it’s pretty bad. The science is tight like that.

There’s no need to reinvent the wheel when it comes to porno—we don’t need the Cirque De Soleil get-up; we don’t need faux plots and character development; we don’t need MATT ZANE gaying up the scenery with his clown porn faggotry. This is about loads and chins and loads finding their ways to chins one way or another. Sometimes doing something well is good enough—leave the innovation to the drug dealers and the fine boys at H&K.

Hot chicks with loads on their chins. If you can’t dig it then I guess you can go read a book and pretend you are above it; but I, dear readers, have decided not to give up on loads on chins as long as there are said loads and chins…

…and I suggest you follow suit. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

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CUM SWAPPING SLUTS #9

Red Light District

Rating: THREE & A HALF "Back To Basics" BUSTED NUTS

Apparently simplicity and porn nowadays don’t mix. I mean, there’s nothing as simple as what makes a good porn work: hot bitches with guys that don’t get in the fucking way, fucking like everyone is into it.

Elementary, no?

Evidently, not so.

PENNY FLAME PERUSING THE POSSIBILITY OF SWAPPING SOME CUM BUT WHERE'S THE OTHER SLUT WITH WHOM TO SWAP COME?!?!!? WHEREEEEEEEE!!!!!!?????

Every video has got to have an angle. What we really want is more chicks than dicks, but we’ll cope if that means having to have the chicks snowball. So be it: CUM SWAPPING SLUTS 9 keeps the ideal balance intact, with hotties like PENNY FLAME and KEEANI LEI, who’s matched up with LAIN OI, who’s about as retarded as oi music. We considered the possibility of her having had a cock at one point, what with the blood-curdling face and man hands, but her halting donkey laugh showed the kind of freakishness that only a porny handicam could love.

STEVE HOLMES is growing his hair out, giving him a certain d’Artagnan meets beachcomber flair. As usual, his swashbuckling skills are up to task for DENICE K and LEAH LUV, who by the way they swap must clearly must have experience working at ski resorts. -- STEELY ROB

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RICH NEGROES GET EVEN RICHER AS NBA STUMBLES TO TOTALLY NON-FIXED GAME 7 IN A SKULLGAME NOD TO THE OBVIOUS WHILE TOM CRUISE GETS SQUIRTED IN THE FACE WITH, UM, SOMETHING COCONUTTY? SNOOP DOGG ALL UP IN LESBO BIZ-NATCH & THE COCK-BLOCKING ELF IS IN!

BUT first it must be said that just because this woman's first sexual experience...

HATH NOT A SLUT EYES? HATH NOT A SLUT SEXUAL CONGRESS WITH A COCKER SPANIEL?

...was an unlawful coupling with a canine that that is no reason why she should be castigated, upbraided and ridiculed for unlawful coupling with a canine. No. In the sheltering arms of our TEAMING UP FOR AMERICA charitable giving organization even dog-humping whores like this one can be irremedially redeemed from a life of interspecies sexing and be set on the straight & narrow to a normal and fulfilling double team experience. Thank God.

SkullGame Therapeutic Community: A Place To Call Home. Where You'll Get Double Teamed.

TOM CRUISE IN A HUFF THAT HIS NBA SHOT CALLING WASN'T BETTER RECEIVED GETS SQUIRTED. IN THE FACE. WITH SOME LIQUID. IN A STUNT WIDELY SUSPECTED TO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH NOTHING GAY. DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE TO THE FUCKING CONTRARY.

ACTING LIKE HE AIN'T BEEN THERE BEFORE, TOMMY BOY TOWELS DOWN

LONDON (SkullGame) -- "OK. So maybe when I did yesterday's SkullGame sports thing, I didn't get everything right," said a visibly miffed non-homosexual TOM CRUISE. "Sure, sure, I mistakenly called the goalie a tackle and whatnot. Sure I mistook inveterate veteran reefer manic RASHEED WALLACE for a peanut vendor. And yes, sure, when the Pistons won last night I thought that they had won the Stanley Cups or whatever. But that was absolutely no reason to splash me in the face with a liquid vaguely resembling oil of Olay. Or coconut oil."

"All I'm saying is that enough is enough. Call your fucking GAME 7 yourself. I'm off here in London and in London I'll stay. Waiting for my, um, lovely bride-to-be, um, Katie? To later join me on a press junket of couch jumping, fist pumping and public declarations of a heterosexual love that will span the ages."

SNOOP DOGG'S BITCHES OFFEND OFAYS

SAY WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ABOUT THIS "GIMME GIMME" SOCIETY. THIS "ME-FIRSTERISM." THIS "I GOT MINE NOW YOU GET YOURS" ETHOS, IT'S NEVER BEEN MORE CLEAR THAN IT IS NOW: SNOOP DOGG FUCKING CARES.

SMALAND (SkullGame) -- Rapper & Super Negro SNOOP DOGG sparked an uproar at a Swedish rock festival last week by screening graphic porn during his raunchy set. Swedish rap fans, apparently not made of as strong of stuff as their American counterparts, were upset at the Hultsfred Festival in Smaland, when he showed them the film, which featured explicit lesbian sex, on a big giant screen.

A spokesman for the rapper says, "We are very sorry, but we cannot apologize on behalf of our boss, Rich Negro Delicious His Royal Imperial Snoop Doggus X."

Snoop has produced several porn films, including "GIRLS GONE WILD: DOGGY STYLE," SNOOP DOGG'S "DOGGYSTYLE". As well as the follow on lines DOGGY DOG DICKING STYLE, STYLEY DOGG: SNOOP DOGG'S, and of course the perennial fave, "DOGGY DOGGS RICH & FUCKING YOU IN THE BUTT STYLE."

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: THE COCK-BLOCKING ELF: FACT? OR GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING FICTION?

SIGHTING NUMBER 1 OF THE ELF IN ACTION: "HEYYYYY....I FUCKING LIVE HERE TOO, YOU KNOW..."

On Thursday night myself and a friend found ourselves at a neighborhood sports bar in a neighborhood neither of us was from. The one and only contributing factor to us being at this aforementioned sports bar in the aforementioned neighborhood was the fact that my aforementioned friend had worked there until just recently and was still able to buffalo drinks out of the bartenders on shift that night.

Now picture, if you will, the both of us sitting belly to bar knocking back shots of whiskey, first Makers Mark--as the evening progressed Jack Daniels and finally Single Malt Jack Daniels, we both sat at the corner of the bar by ourselves laughing and drinking, drinking and laughing, drinking…ever drinking. In my field of vision, which had not yet been dimmed by the alcohol, I noticed two extremely attractive tall blonde females, noticing them the way you would notice a nice car in a parking lot, I see, I appreciate the fact that they are attractive, make note of it, fold it up and tuck it away in my head.

No sooner then the scribbled mental note was folded and tucked away both blondes ended up walking toward us. Walking….ever walking. We continued to talk as they made their way to a spot adjacent to us at the bar, sitting kitty corner from where they sat down, our conversation stutter stepped, a fact that they noticed, and then continued. “Sorry to cut in on your conversation.” The taller of the two interjected. “We were just wondering how it was that the two best looking guys in the bar are sitting all by the themselves in the corner.” (Momentary Silence)

So there we are, momentarily stunned by the aforementioned blondes in the aforementioned bar in the aforementioned neighborhood preparing to parry the opening volley… “Where, that corner?” Says my friend pointing to the other side of the bar, he then looks behind himself and says. “ Is there someone behind me?” They laugh, he laughs, I laugh, we laugh. Myself, my friend, the aforementioned blondes in the aforementioned bar in the aforementioned neighborhood that coincidentally neither of us was from, the blondes included! All laughing.

Then I spotted it, him, it, have you ever seen grainy video of a tornado in….Nebraska? You see the twister coming, you see the destruction in its wake but above all…. you see it coming.

SIGHTING NUMBER DOS (AN ARTIST'S RENDERING): "ARE YOUSE PROSTITUTES?!?!"

In this case this was a neighborhood drunk who was sporting a stupid beige outfit and a matching stupid beige grin, along with that…a case of male pattern baldness that just screams out “let it go man!” As he made his way toward us I had just enough time to nudge and, it…it…out of time. It hit and it hit hard “Tits, yeah! Tits strippers! Yeah, tits and strippers!”

I just dropped my head in disbelief. How often does this happen? Two women approach you! The aforementioned blondes in the aforementioned bar in the aforementioned neighborhood that coincidentally neither of us was from, the blondes included! All leaving, walking leaving…ever leaving.

Then…only quiet, I was about to raise my head and could feel the smoke coming out of my ears. Gone was the deer in the headlight feeling now only rage, an erection-fueled rage, the rage of an erection that will never be. Anger, rage, anger and rage for the aforementioned drunk. The drunk from the aforementioned bar, in the aforementioned neighborhood, a neighborhood that was magically missing its drunk. He was gone, it was almost as if he said: “my job is done here!” and he took off his cock-blocking cape and scampered off.

Who does these things, who cock blocks at such a high level and then just disappears? Was he a mythical cock-blocking Elf? Who does these things?!?

THE GAME? ISN'T IT CALLED "REAL GODDAMNED LIFE"?

You may have thought "Grand Theft Auto" was the last word in video game violence. Think again. The latest in shoot-'em-up video game technology, "25 to Life," allows players to attack police with an arsenal of Molotov cocktails, broken bottles and baseball bats. When weapons fail, players make strategic moves using civilians as human shields. The game even lets players choose gang colors and create personalized graffiti tags. "It's the worst in a series of violent and gruesome games that lower the common denominator of decency," said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), who is trying to block the game from hitting stores in September.

POP THAT CHERRY #6

Anarchy Films

Rating: TWO "Emphasizing The 'Man' In 'Woman'" BUSTED NUTS

“An Intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex” -–Aldous Huxley

“Gugwgugwgwugwgwugwguwggwuwg” -- GIA PALOMA

Reviewing this video offers quite a bit in way of conundrum; for on one hand we have two fine pieces of tail in the form of NIKKI LOREN (who almost convinced me that her occupation was not “cockholster” prior to filming this release) and JACKIE ASHE (who bears a striking resemblance to a girl I used to bang and thus is allowed modest charities from He Who Cannot Be Named). Their segments are of the utmost quality; shoddy camerawork notwithstanding.

JACKIE ASHE. 100 PERCENT FUCKING NOT CLEAR ON THE FUCKING CONCEPT.

Now on (not "in") the other hand we have the rest of these hoes—two of which appear to be former dudes and another who is so fucking ugly that when she tries to do her makeup in the mirror her reflection ducks. I couldn’t tell you which one is which; other than Gia Paloma being the bitch most likely to stand in for Mr. Ed or to thank you at the end of the night for not staring at her Adam’s Apple. LIA and ALI KAT—or whatever the fuck they like to call themselves--I suggest you avoid like a court date. Yes, they are really that foreboding.

So out of 5 bitches only 2 are worth watching—hence the rating. So where does the extra “half nut” come from? The “behind-the-scenes features” where some snizz loudly proclaims, "I love a cock in my mouth; it’s the only way to shut me up"…

…and I’ve been saying that for years. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/234420.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

SLAM IT IN HER ASS

Harmony/Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "You Hear It...First" BUSTED NUTS

This is one of, if not THE most, slick/polished pornographic endeavors I’ve yet seen. In fact, it reminds me more of a Linkin Park video than what you and I would envision in a fuck flick. Everything from the blatantly homosexual Moby soundtrack to JENNIFER DARK'S homage to Bobby Brown via the ever-so-stylish headset that she brandishes mid-gape and post-gag, just screams TRL like a 16-year-old girl in the streets of Time Square…

…right down to the pimp motherfucker, hands stuffed crassly down the front of his pants, in the background -- smiling, eyeing, plotting, and making those in near vicinity visibly nervous.

"NO, NO, NO, NO!!! NOT THE MOUTH!!! THE ASS!!! THE ASS!!!" JENNIFER DARK ASKING, ONCE AGAIN, WHERE "IT" SHOULD BE SLAMMED.

But these limey cunts are all worth tossing a dick at; and despite it’s rather poppy ambience it’s actually fairly hardcore. We’re talking gaping assholes, quacking/gagging blowjobs sure to make Donald Duck run headfirst into traffic, DP’s…y’know…the standard fare you expect when you pick up anything that says Evil Angel in the bottom right hand corner; even if they only serve as distributors in this case.

But it’s nothing special; nothing that would stick out in my mind TWO hours after watching; nothing you must own—but it serves it’s purpose well enough. My tastes are more geared toward the grittier end of the spectrum but the RENEE PORNERO/VICKY SIN segment struck me as impressive enough to give it an above average rating. But I won’t attempt to sway you strongly in either direction.

In fact I even promise not to call you a “fag” or punch you in the throat if you decide to buy this—and that takes something… -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

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http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/230094.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JEWEL DE'NYLE'S INTERRACIAL LUST #3

Platinum X Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Is That Wesley Snipes & That Pot Smoking White Guy?" BUSTED NUTS

Starring the AVN Performer of the year ASHLEY BLUE we see that you don’t have to necessarily be super hot to win that title, you just have to be a whore. And enjoy fucking. And does she ever. Ashley Blue's start to this movie is like opening your apartment door and getting punched straight in the grill. And I mean that in a good way.

MONICA LEWINSKY, ER, ASHLEY BLUE ABOUT TO GET NUGGED BY NEGROES ACTING LIKE THEY'RE STILL STEAMED ABOUT SLAVERY OR SOMETHING. THAT'S RIGHT: NUGGED!!!

This movie pulls absolutely no punches and tells you exactly that from the word go. Small-breasted Ashley Blue of questionable ethnic extraction proves once and for all that just because I can’t tell where you’re from it doesn’t mean you don’t like a guy spitting down your gaping asshole…or something like that.

Also featured prominently is blonde bomb SHAWNIE, in her scene with somebody or other she rides the summer sausage liking riding summer sausage is all she does. Summer sausage that is. Bouncing up and down reverse cowgirl on the same brown leather couch that each and every scene was filmed on we see that what Platinum X passed up on the set design they put toward prime pussy.

Also starring MANDY BRIGHT, MARIE LUV and former West Coast contract girl HYPNOTIQ in a flick that boasts on its box cover “Jungle Fever like you’ve never seen it before!”

Really? Goddamn it, THIS I gotta see. I mean, again. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/213607.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

IN NEAR-FRUITLESS EFFORT TO BUTCH UP HIGHLY GAY-IZED IMAGE, TOM CRUISE PROPOSES THEN CALLS THE PISTON-SPURS GAME 5. PLUS: COURTNEY LOVE & JERRY CANTRELL SUCK. TWICE. WHILE HILARY DUFF IS RAPED BY RAPIST FROM GOOD CHARLOTTE, A SINGING RAPIST BAND!!!

BUT first this community service required announcement, required what on account of a bullshit trumped up motherfucking charge for the Po Po finding that crack in our '67 Chevy what wasn't even ours.

WE WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK AT RED LIGHTS NO MORE. WE WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK AT RED LIGHTS NO MORE...WHEW. 220 MORE OF THOSE & WE'LL BE FREE TO FUCKING GO? OK....WE WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK AT RED LOBSTERS NO MORE, WE WILL NOT....

THE TOM CRUISE TIME-OUT REPORT: THE NBA FINALS. AND STUFF.

KATIE HOLMES ATTEMPTING TO SEDUCE FIANCE TOM CRUISE AWAY FROM THE "GAME" LONG ENOUGH TO STUMBLE THROUGH YET ANOTHER STILTEDLY UNCOMFORTABLE HETEROSEXUAL COUPLING

MICHIGAN (SkullGame) -- Furiously emotive non-Homosexual TOM CRUISE proposed to woefully underinformed KATIE HOLMES this morning -- after a whirlwind three-month romance of rigid public kissing and clammy hand-holding. The 42-year-old actor and Holmes, 26, have been plagued by accusations their romance is a publicity stunt, because both stars have movies released this month -- Cruise stars in War of the Worlds while Holmes is in Batman Begins -- and because there is a distinct possibility that one of them is gay.

But Cruise put an "end" to the "rumors" today, by asking Holmes to "marry" him on the top of the Eiffel Tower, during a "romantic" "holiday" in Paris, before immediately darting off to call Game 5 of the NBA Finals for SkullGame Sports.

The thrilled hunk gushes, "Manu Ginobili is a wonderful left tackle, who really knows how to, um, put it down the middle on the third par." Clapping his hands together fretfully and pursing his lips Cruise added, "The Spurs were masterful in their win. And manly. And commanding...um, yes, I," switching to his robot voice, "I'm engaged to a magnificent woman."

In other totally creepy fucking news: The wedding will be a dream come true for Holmes, who fantasized about marrying the superstar as a child.

Jesus Fucking Cheerist.

FROM THE SAD ANNALS OF "WHAT'S A MILLIONAIRE TO DO?" ALICE IN CHAINS "STAR" "BROUGHT IN" TO "HELP" COURTNEY LOVE.

"HEYYYY...WHERE YA GOIN'?!?! COME ON, BACK!!! NEXT SONG??? THAS RIGHT...THE NEGRO SUCKS MY TIT...AGAAAAIIIINNNN!!!"

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Former ALICE IN CHAINS star JERRY CANTRELL, not close enough to enough death already, has answered the call to collaborate with murderess millionaire COURTNEY LOVE on her upcoming solo album.

The guitarist has joined ex-SMASHING PUMPKINS star BILLY CORGAN, some Olde English, Soma, Anadan, Neurontin, and pharmaceutical grade goofballs in the studio with Love who, in the hopes that lightning will strike twice, has plans to record a record called Snatchy Snatch Snatch.

Cantrell tells SkullGame, "She's [Love] an 'interesting' 'character'. We've gotten together a few times to work on some stuff for her next solo album. Especially if by 'work' you mean some sort of fumbling around the environs of my zipper. I understand she's also been 'working' with a bunch of people. I know Billy Corgan's been over there. But I threw a few things at her, coconut in nature, and I think we've come up with something different. Especially if by 'different' you mean involving 'multiple penises.' Or is it penii?"

Whatever.

"RAPE IS BACK IN STYLE," SAYS GOOD CHARLOTTE'S NOT-SO-GOOD STATUTORY RAPIST JOEL MADDEN.

VICTIM HILARY DUFF, RECUPERATING THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW: WITH HER TITS

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- In a 100-foot-leap into injudicious fucking stupidity JOEL MADDEN from Good Charlotte was recently quoted in the Hollywood Police Gazetteer, "me and Hilary, a teenager under the age of 18, are an item." Madden and movie beauty and jailus baitus HILARY DUFF have finally confessed, confessed being the operative word, they are a couple and have been dating since July 2004, when Duff was just 16 years old making Madden a sex offender.

The 26-year-old singer and Duff will officially announce their romance when they co-present the MTV Video Music Awards in Miami on August 28, because it's one month before Duff turns 18 -- the legal age to have sexual intercourse in California. Unless, apparently, you are Joel Madden.

Duff famously romanced pop hunk and serial molester AARON CARTER in 2003 during his relationship with LOLITA LINDSAY LOHAN, but she now prefers the modest, introspective personality of her new lover, Madden, reports newspaper USA Today, qualities that will serve him well whilst lunging from man attackers in Soledad State Prison.

The press speculated the couple denied reports they were dating because Madden could be arrested for statutory rape if he seduced the underage star, but Duff insists nothing will change when she comes of age: "I don't feel like there's anything that I can do when I'm 18 that I can't do now vis a vis cock sucking and ass fucking and such. Nothing's going to change. Nope. I mean not in relation to the aforementioned cock sucking and ass fucking and such."

She adds, "As a good and honest girl he helps me explore the flip side of myself, the darker side." A side that will serve him well in his 16-month stay at Soledad hiding out from ass bandits.

When reached for comment MICHAEL JACKSON said, "well, I'll be GODdamned."

ANGELINA JOLIE SUCKS IN BED. WE HOPE. AT THE VERY FUCKING LEAST.

When describing your ex's ability between the sheets, it can be hard to couch it tactfully. So Billy Bob Thornton just came right out and spoke as he found. Sleeping with Angelina Jolie is like "fucking the couch', the 49-year-old actor said. His wincingly candid proclamation is likely to upset the Tomb Raider star's legion of fans, who last year voted her the world's sexiest woman. "Sex doesn't have to be with a model to be good," said Thornton, who divorced Jolie in 2002 after three years of marriage.

JOEY SILVERA’S HELLCATS #2

When you ask me if she

bites me, I say I wouldn't

have it any other way!!!

135251

DA PLANE, BOSS, DA PLANE!!!!

YO VINNIE,
I met this midget. At a strip joint. She and a few of her normal-sized stripper friends were getting off and the five of them came up to the five of us for a few extra drinks apres-sluttery and I got the midget. Things were going great, she was sitting on my lap and I was doing my ventriloquist act with my hand up her skirt and I was well on my way to fucking my first midget. Until I looked down and saw her stubby little fingers on my thigh, got too freaked out and bolted. Am I fag? -- Pint-Sized Panic (by email)

OK. OK. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

Dear Willie Wonka: Yes. Yes you are. A faggot. Sure, sure we understand your panic but this is probably very much like the panic associated with seeing a firmly figured package of man meatus. For those for whom this represents a temptation -- priests, Boy Scouts, Greeks -- yes, we see how this would present a REASONABLE temptation, like showtime at the fucking Boy's Town Follies. But likewise, with the midgets: she creeped you out either because she reminded you of a kid or because you place stubby freakish little fingers on par with the sort of imperfection that's thusfar kept you outta the arms of bag ladies. On the first count, bravo to you, sir. On the second, it must be said that just like crack hos, the Amish, and the 230-pound baldheaded bearded broad that Sal and I double-teamed, midgets need loads in the face to. As it is, her face went unloaded, you went home unlaid, and I just wasted five valuable load-bearing minutes of my life listening to a story that ended in neither loads or getting laid: a waste.

Now I ain't advocating you do that which doesn't please. I AM advocating you only share stories with us that resolve themselves in coconut surprises and the shocked-faces of onlookers.

Thank you.

SECURITY CAM CHRONICLES #2

Madness Pictures

Rating: ONE "Aching & Pleading" BUSTED NUTS

A few evenings back, the lady and myself were going through my most recent SkullGame parcel; looking for both friend and foe to school in the art of all things fuck. A challenge is what we sought--students to beat; Sensei’s to defeat; someone, anyone to prove to that we know that which we do.

Package after package were sorted into piles labeled “Hell yeah!” and “Why the fuck not?”—except, of course, for this disc, which she picked up, eyed over, exclaimed “this looks pretty gay”, and tossed into the “Not if you want any of this” file.

OH YEAH. THIS IS JUST ABOUT TO GET GOOOOOOD....FIRST THE MICRO-MINI, AND THEEEENNN THE STUNT COCK. PERFECT.

I should’ve listened to her wisdom and reported this DVD as MIA; but alas sometimes “fire=hot” is a questionable truth in my mind. Through this I have scars. Scars a’plenty.

So the deal is as follows: this disc contains faux Reality T.V. (and we are not talking about the ultra-kosher V.D. Island, When Good Pets Go Bad, or Who Wants to Be A Bloodthirsty Dictator strain of “reality” programming) that is so obviously staged that it would take a novice window peeper to fall for this pile of horseshit. What we have is a bunch of substandard porn stars having very blurry, uneventful sex that doubles as a fat bag of visual Soma minus the requisite elation. Half the time it doesn’t even appear as if anyone is fucking; but perhaps just scratching the mutual itch…

…and to top it off? There are no navigation features—no chapter selections, no extras, NOTHING. Hell you have to wade through 10 minutes of red tape before this motherfucker will even allow your "menu” button to work; and when you push it all it does is take you back to the aforementioned annoyance.

Fuck this movie; fuck who ever produced it; fuck who ever mistakenly loved said fuckers; and fuck any of youse that think I'm wrong about any of this. Because I ain't.

Starring: A bunch of twats BRAD PRICE used to platonically sleep next too, lend compassionate ears toward, and bitch lip ex-boyfriends with. -- Judge Roy Bean

Buy It For The Express Purpose Of Grokking How Bad It IsNOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/229077.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

JOEY SILVERA'S HELLCATS #7

Evil Angel

Rating: FOUR "I'll Huff & I'll Puff" BUSTED NUTS

The cover proclaims "the world's puffiest pussy" in reference to JASMINE "I
MAY LOOK CUTE BUT MY COOTIES WILL MAKE YOUR COCK" BYRNE. It's quite a claim to make. In my experience -- lamentable, regrettable experience -- the world's puffiest pussy is more likely attached to a fat chick.

AWWW....ISN'T SHE CUTE? EXACTLY THE KIND OF CUTE GIRL YOU EXPECT TO SEE CATCHING A MOUTHFUL OF HER OWN PISS. NOT ALLOWING FOR OUR OWN PISS, WELL, YEAH, IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.

An obese bitch with a raw, red rash between her legs 'cos her thighs have been rubbing together like two tectonic plates whenever she walks.

Not the likes of JASMINE... who's slim, toned, and probably doesn't have cooties either. She looks hygienic down there; I'm just being grouchy cos... cos... I haven't fucked her myself. Yet. That's fucking why!

Anyway, her cunt does look puffier than most... so I'm cool with the claim. And with a cock buried deep in her ass, well, it sets off the puffiness nicely. Sort of like how a rug can really make a room.

Contrary to the preceding, the undisputed highlight of this DVD is not, in fact, JASMINE'S puffy mound. It's TIFFANY HOLLIDAY -- whose pussy is somewhat bulbous itself -- and who makes my day, or at least my last hour, by pissing in her own mouth.

Bottoms up! -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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ASSMAN #27

Anabolic

Rating: THREE & A HALF "The Passing Of An Era" BUSTED NUTS

The arrival of a new chapter in the always welcome ASSMAN series is a reconfirmation of what makes the sun rise and fall on our porn world. And this latest installment seems no different, with impossibly creamy CORA CARINA on the cover, looking like she’s got makeup on her entire fucking body.

CORA CARINA, BO DEREK, WHATEVER...AS LONG AS SOMEONE GETS FUCKED IN THE ASS WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

But the disclaimer of “new and improved” is the harbinger of woe and disbelief, for ASSMAN is no longer the vehicle of the man that made the series what it was, JEAN YVES LECASTEL. A moment of silence, please.

With the change of the guard goes all the charm that a goofy French fuck could bring. In its place is just more of the all-too common American porn flavor that pervades most of what’s been coming out of Southern California for the past few years. Indeed, the series is new but NOT improved. As represented by Cora Carina’s horrible back tattoo being digitally removed for her cover shot, ASSMAN is now a farce.

Jean Yves, why have you forsaken us?

But the future is not entirely bleak. ASSMAN still does what it was intended to do, namely get incomparable slaves to anal sex like LORA CROFT and MICHAELA SABATINNI together under one roof for the voyeuristic pleasure of seeing them get reamed eight ways till Sunday.

And for this we are still thankful.

So get ASSMAN 27 if you will, but remember the LeCastel. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/236536new.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

AS NASTY AS IT GETS

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: FIVE "Like A Crackhead's Ass" BUSTED NUTS

AS NASTY AS IT GETS is exactly just fucking that -- as nasty as it fucking gets.

Each scene starts out with the Baby Dolls talking dirty to the viewer at home prior to getting fucked even dirtier on camera. Dirty filthy fucking CHANEL CHAVEZ gets the pole in every hole in a very big way in her dirty filthy fucking first scene with Baby Doll Pictures. Her scene, like every other one in this movie, ends in the same dirty filthy fucking fashion, and you may have guessed it: a load in the face. Dropped just the way I like them: angrily.

CHANEL CHAVEZ HAVING HER TEMPERATURE TOOK WITH A TOTALLY INEFFECTIVE TEMPERATURE TAKING TOOL

While on the subject of loads in the face, each and every one of these dirty filthy fucking cunts takes a load on the kisser like it’s the thing to do, which incidentally in this case, it is. Just the thing to do…a lot. With cum-guzzling jiz junkies abounding, this has got a little something for everybody, with ARMANI for those of you who like natural-breasted, long-haired spectacularly beautiful black women up to and including CELESTIA STAR, a blonde-haired big-fake-breasted nit wit who takes the dick where all nit wits invariably get buffaloed in to taking it, and you may have guessed it correctly again: right in the ass.

Dirty filthy fucking and as nasty as it fucking gets…and nasty. Did I mention nasty? -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

http://gfx1.gamelink.com/GLImages/prodimages/230513.jpg?wid=125&qlt=25&cvt=jpeg

WHERE THERE'S SCARED COWARD SMOKE, THERE'S FAGGOT FIRE: BRAD PRICE CLAIMS "JEFF ROBERTS" RESPONSIBLE FOR COWARDLY SCARED ATTACK. ITALIAN SAL DOUBTFUL. PLUS MEXICANS & BMX BIKES: A MEDITATION, JACKSONS THRILL SUDAN, & DAY 76 OF BRITNEY SUCK!

AS reported on Wednesday a known SkullGame associate, the band OXBOW, weathered a savage assault on their person, integrity and their personal integrity.

AN ARTIST'S RENDERING OF THE CRAVEN ATTACK

The perp MR. BRAD PRICE now claims foul, blames "JEFF ROBERTS" and ACID and flees under cover of withering SkullGame abuse. Giving no quarter ITALIAN SAL says "Post the coward's back-pedaling reply. I am not one to back off when someone is stumbling and/or falls, isn't that the very essence of BJJ, to continue the fight on the ground? Congratulations Brad Price, your not-too-thought-out, yet well-timed, cowardly attempt at weasling out of this virtual fist fuck has only guaranteed a round two on Friday."

"HI. MY NAME IS BRAD PRICE. AND YES, MY LIPS HAVE KNOWN PENIS, WHY DO YOU ASK?"

And so we will. Right after this NEWSFLASH.....

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: MEXICANS & BMX BIKES!!!

"MY BMX BIKE IS IN THE SHOP, MANG. FOR 5 OR 4 DAYS. ANYWAYS IT'S FRIDAY & I GOTTA DATE TONIGHT, HOLMES. YOU WANNA BUY SOME WEED?"

CALIFORNIA (SkullGame) -- If you live in California and you see any Mexican guy 25 or older riding a BMX, he will sell you weed. Wherein most Mexicans are hard-working, law-abiding citizens who, by and large, are more industrious than most Americans, Mexican BMX aficionados will invariably try and sell you weed. The weed will not be good quality weed, it will probably be jammed with stems and seeds, but it will be weed just as assuredly as the guy who is selling it to you looks awkward sitting atop a bike built for someone almost half his age.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle...and about half as much herb as you will pay some hippie on Haight St. the same price for.

JACKSON & JACKSON HIGHLIGHTS SHOCK A THRILLED SUBSAHARAN AFRICA

"THANK GOD THE WHITE WOMAN MICHAEL JACKSON CAN COACH AGAIN THE LAKERS."

THE DESERT (SkullGame) -- In a refugee camp in the Darfur region of southern Sudan, hundreds of refugees burst into simultaneous applause when word of both the MICHAEL JACKSON Not Guilty verdict and the PHIL JACKSON rehiring ripped like wild...well, almost like the actual wildfire that beset the region just weeks earlier...fire through the ranks of gathered dieters.

COACH JACKSON COURTSIDE AT A RECENT NBA FINAL SIGNALING A TIME OUT SO HE CAN COMMUNE WITH SATAN.

"I'm so, so glad," said Jahi Mkehah while fingering a festering, fly-stained abscess on her leg. "KOBE "ASS MASTER" BRYANT needs a good strong coach to keep him from ass fucking hotel workers and we all think that the old white woman singer Michael Jackson is just the one to help."

SUCKMUMBLE SINGER BRITNEY SPEARS WHO RECENTLY SWORE OFF OF PERSONAL GROOMING & DISNEY EXEC STUMBLE ON HUSBAND SQUEEZING THE PIPE TO PORN

LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO WASH YOUR FEET. OR DRESS LIKE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A RETARD.

ORLANDO (SkullGame) -- "Singer" BRITNEY SPEARS was left red-faced when she invited Disney bosses to her hotel room to "talk" — and found hubby Kevin already discussing something with his fist, while watching PORN.

The pair were guests at the Florida resort’s 50th anniversary bash. At first the 23-year-old mum-to-be did not know where to look after Kevin, 27, left the tape running. She mumbled: “Boys will be boys” before hitting the off-button. But she quickly recovered and joked:

“Honey, you didn’t tell me you’d brought along Sleeping Booty!”

Yeah. Maybe if you lost a few fucking pounds you dirty whore.

AND FINALLY: WHAT BRAD PRICE HAD TO SAY ABOUT "JEFF ROBERTS"

From baprice14@hotmail.com

"Hello Oxbow. Uhhh, not entirely sure what to say about all this so I'll just tell you exactly what happened. About 3 months ago, I bought one of the Neurot Recordings compilations that had an Oxbow song as well as an excerpt from the film based around you guys. I had let several friends listen to/watch it and they were, well, entertained at any rate. Then one night I was with several people who had not seen it who had taken some acid, when one of my friends who had already seen it suggested that we watch it (mainly to fuck with one guy in particular). So we did and I guess that it made that person have a bad trip. So this guy now has some sort of crazy problem with Oxbow.

Brad"

Whatever.

Give us JEFF ROBERTS and all is forgiven.

NEXT TIME? JUST CALL SKULLGAME. WE CAN HELP.

A German court sent to a psychiatric institution a man who cut off his own penis because of the incessant sexual demands of his wife, whom he then killed with the same knife. The court in Kassel in central Germany, heard yesterday that the wife of the man, 38, an alcoholic of Ghanaian origin, was obsessed with his organ and so he sliced it off with a long bread knife and threw it at her feet. He then cut the throat of his 50-year-old wife. The severed member was found and stitched back on. Defense and prosecution agreed that he should receive psychiatric treatment.

blackhole_25

YOUR FACE HERE.

Jeannie Rivers from ASS WORSHIP 3

http://www.gamelink.com/gl/description.asp?src=gl&mall=st&ref=mac&head=&prodID=97773

JOEY SILVERA’S ROGUE ADVENTURES #24

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "I'm The New Lesbian Reviewer At SkullGame" BUSTED NUTS

Let’s face it. If you had a cock and a nice set of tits, you’d never leave the house. Long days would be spent trying to increase your flexibility so you could achieve the rewarding goal of tittie fucking yourself. In the case of these ladies, if you had half their looks and a quarter of their charm, you too would be pulling in all the Brazilian boy jailbait hookers off the street with your stunning accent and jiggly ass.

YASMIN PITANGA WELCOMING YOU TO AN UNCOMFORTABLE FEW MINUTES OF HETEROSEXUAL PANIC AS YOUR EYES TRAIL DOWN TO HER WELL-HIDDEN TOOL & YOU THINK TO YOURSELF: "HMMM..."

Speaking of jiggly asses, YASMIN PITANGA's takes the whole goddamn cake and the eating too as she gets her little trick baby boy crawling on his hands and knees just for a taste.

Into hot, bitchy women with massive cocks and glistening foreskin?

Then you probably already own this video. If you don’t, then get it just for the rough, tranny, 4-way, gang-bang. Where else are you going to find this kind of shit? I’ll tell you… nowhere. SINDY NILSSEN is a superbly, nasty bitch who will face fuck you ‘til you yak. You almost feel bad for the poor fucker that’s getting mauled by these women’s vicious cocks. Almost, but not really, because he IS getting paid and they ARE hot. -- LUCKY LESBO LUCIANO

Buy It NOW!

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LICK IT ALL UP

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: THREE "Foul!" BUSTED NUTS

"Six Killer Young Babes Who Don’t Miss a Drop!”

Um maybe not, starring real live Persian, PERSIA, her scene is but one scene of six that don’t deliver what was promised in the title of this fuck flick. Seriously, who writes the fucking box copy at Baby Doll Pictures? Did they even watch this movie? With the exception of one scene none of these chicks "LICK IT ALL UP.”

AVA RAMONE: TODAY SHE IS TOMORROW'S STAR! TOMORROW? YESTERDAY'S WHORE!

Don’t get me wrong now. I am a huge fan of Baby Doll and their mission to bring you tomorrow’s stars today. Baby Doll has a way of getting these superstar slobs slobbing on knobs and bobbing on cobs waaayyyy before they hit it big, example?

Well, CYTHEREA for one, superstar squirting slob, who incidentally won best new starlet at AVN this year, would have been working a Taco Bell in El Segundo and moonlighting at massage parlor jacking off truckers if not for the trained eye of the boys at Baby Doll Pictures.

Now, ass kissing aside, this movie does not deliver in the LICK IT ALL UP department. The chicks are hot, the fucking is hot…but the loads? Lets just say they go un-licked up, lonely and un-licked…all…up…at all. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

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JEWEL DE'NYLE'S SINFUL ASIANS #4

Platinum X

Rating: TWO "Bollywood Bitches" BUSTED NUTS

Proving the adage that only sluts wear black nail polish, LILY THAI kicks off this slut-fest. She impales herself on JULIAN'S cock. Bit like the steeple through that priest in THE OMEN.

AVENA LEE, NOTE THE BRACES, EXULTING IN THE FACT THAT THOUGH SHE'S SINFUL AND ASIAN, HER ASS REMAINS BLESSEDLY UNSINFUL & UNFUCKED IN THIS FLICK. "BUT PERHAPS HER FACE TAKES A LOAD?" HOPES THE WAVERING VOICE FROM THE THIRD ROW. YES, LAD. PERHAPS.

Then it's onto JAZMIN, who's apparently Indian. (Or what Americans call East-Indian so as not to confuse 'em with those darn Injuns huntin' all the buffalo.)

This bitch is hot enough to inspire me to break my Indian jinx.

My Indian jinx: per capita, I've struck out with more Indians than anything. Had a fling with a half-Indian who destroyed my apartment. Then hit on others and got shot down consistently for the next, ohhh, four years.

With one exception. She used to work on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. Big tits, nice face, shaved box... but, alas, an ass too fat to warrant repeat visits. But JAZMIN, oh yeah, she makes me feel like it's maybe time to walk that road again...

But I digress.

AVENA LEE brings up the rear. And a good rear it is. But a rear that reminds that NO ONE GETS FUCKED UP THE ASS in this movie. Amazing! If by "amazing" I mean "goddamned fucking bullshit!" -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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THE OLE' IN & OUT #2

Acid Rain

Rating: THREE "Rubbing Pairs Of Nuts" BUSTED NUTS

Triple penetration.

The letters, the form, the syntax—not much of it makes sense.

"MY NAME IS BROOKE HAVEN & YEAH, I'M REAL FUCKING GODDAMNED GLAD TO BE HERE. OK? NOW BLOW A LOAD ON MY FACE SO I CAN GET FUCKING PAID & BACK TO DOING WHAT I DO BEST: SUCKING ON LEMONS."

Even at the first glancing of the packaging I was left turning the cover over and over--contorting the cover paper into a sort of Rubic's cube--hoping to eventually make some sense of it all. I fell short of my goal; but I did arrive at the threshold of epiphany—being that Acid Rain arguably has the ultra hardcore end of the porn spectrum down pat; crossed to an inexorable T. Slapping, spitting, choking, fucking, sucking, cursing, lying, defiling, deploring, befouling, and drugging—Acid Rain is a company that we can proudly endorse and tip our hats to as gentlemen would do…

…but that doesn’t take away from the fact that the "triple penetration” protocol was a bit of a misnomer; or that the dubbing is more fucked up than Father’s Day in Harlem; or that the BROOKE HAVEN segment oozes with sensitivity and consideration and is about as exciting as a Mennonite shopping at motherfucking Frederick’s…

SANDRA ROMAIN, ALICIA RHODES, AUDREY HOLLANDER—I choose not to bitch too much; and while I may brew my tea a bit differently I’d recommend this to the viewer that can never pour enough “-ing” into their pot of degradation.

And that’s probably you, now isn’t it? -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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A SERIOUS THREAT OF HOMO VIOLENCE LAUNCHED ON A SKULLGAME ASSOCIATE BY GAY EXPERT & NEGRO HATER MR. BRAD PRICE OF HIGH POINT, NORTH CAROLINA; PLUS PARIS HILTON PLANS ANTI-HO EXIT STRATEGY & COACH PHIL JACKSON TO REUNITE WITH THE BLACK VAGINA FINDER

SkullGame, believe or not, is a family. A warm, loving, sexually offending, back biting community of felons, professional liars and narco-lunatics, but a family nonetheless. That is, a lose confederacy of expert haters who hate so thoroughly that they are hard-pressed to do anything else. Except when the opportunity presents itself. An opportunity like this: a letter from MR. BRAD PRICE threatening our favorite band OXBOW.

"HI. MY NAME IS BRAD PRICE. I LIKE LONG WALKS IN THE PARKING LOT TO & FROM THE FRONT SEATS OF TRAVELERS CARS. AND LAPS. AND POETRY. AND PENISES. AND HEAVY METAL MUSIC. DID I ALREADY MENTION THE PENISES?"

"ok now i'm confused. are you trying to be evil or rape men. your a talentless band. the vocals suck dicks. write some better lyrics you stupid mother fucker. stop humping trees and join the real metal world. pentagrams on your arms don't make you evil you stupid nigger fagg. its not music its a foul noise which pierces my well trained ears. your dvd is a waste of time, and i will go to your show and challange you to a fistfight. i hope they string you up in a tree oxbow. get a fucking clue on making music. stop charging people money to waste their fucking time. pick on somebody your own size. youre degree is a fraud. you only think your smart, but people are affraid of you so they don't tell you the truth. i'm not affraid. if you play near me i will jump on stage and hump your head you fucking waste of life. you should have been aborted. your mother is a cunt for acually having you. i wan to fuck your girlfriend in the ass with a big white cock. i smell nigger woogie boogie nigger. wanna talk shit back or meet for a fight email me. it is a real email as well. its ihateoxbowkillhim@yahoo.com and only if your not affraid bitch should you contact me"

MR. BRAD PRICE is a very tough man who has requested that we write him. Probably very specifically RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE GODDAMNED 3RD who lives right there near HIGH POINT.

As is usual with this SkullGame we will write him. A lot. About his soon-to-be upcoming bout of extreme anal activity.

baprice14@hotmail.com

PARIS HILTON EMBRACING THE INEVITABLE

"HERE I AM SETTLING DOWN. OH, OOPS, NOW I'M UP AGAIN. OOPS. NOW DOWN. NOW UP. NOW..."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- NEWLY ENGAGED ho of horror, hotel socialite, and mattress-backed dong duker PARIS HILTON is "planning" to "give up" the "public life" of appearing in grainy digicam porn for pay for family life in just two years. The 24-year-old bubblehead-turned-reality TV star insists she'll be ready to truly "settle down" to single sausage living and be a good wife to Greek fiance and anal fanatic PARIS LATSIS and their children when she turns 26.

She tells Newsweek magazine, "I 'thought' it was 'cute' to 'play' a 'dumb' 'blonde'. On TV, I do it because it's 'funny'. I consider myself a 'businesswoman' and a brand. And a fellatrix of the grandest sausage-loving order. But I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this almost as much as I liked being famous for knowing my way around the business end of a cock. You know, the end with the squirties?' I am definitely ready to settle down to some good ol' home cooking and aggressive ass fucking. On camera."

EX-LAKERS' COACH PHIL JACKSON NOW LAKERS' COACH; JACKSON COULDN'T LEAVE HIS FRIENDS' BEHINDS; REUNITES WITH KOBE "ASS-ASS-IN" BRYANT

KATELYN FABER, WHOSE ASS IS STILL HURTING AFTER HER LAST HOTEL RENDEVOUS WITH KOBE BRYANT SAID OF THE NBA REUNION, "THIS CAN ONLY BE GOOD FOR THE LEAGUE."

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Buddhist PHIL JACKSON is back with the Los Angeles Lakers following a breakup that took a year to mend, and back to coaching KOBE "ASS BANDIT" BRYANT -- a player he once called "uncoachable,'' what on account of his penchant for "aggressive anal activity" and his unwillingness to not throw his teammates under the bus for likesuch "anal activity of the aggressive kind."

"This is something I never thought could possibly happen,'' Jackson said Tuesday at a Staples Center news conference. "Based largely on my concern for the asses of America. I guess I'm saying: 'It's a pleasure to come back.'''

Bryant released a statement through his agent Tuesday. "When the Lakers began the search for a new head coach, I put my complete trust in Dr. Buss and (general manager) Mitch Kupchak to select the person they thought was best for the Lakers' organization,'' Bryant said. "In Phil Jackson, they chose a proven winner. That is something I support. I also support white women, their asses, their asses bent over hotel room chairs, and the repeated introduction of cock, specifically mine, INTO those asses, but y'all knew that part already.''

SKULLGAME TEACHER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO...

A special education teacher in Lakewood Middle School encouraged his emotionally troubled students to wrestle and fight to quell their misbehavior, a near-daily ritual that eventually led to one student being stabbed in an after-school altercation, the district alleges in tenure charges made public Friday. John Griso of Brick, a district teacher since 2000, would let students "punch and/or bully other students" and should be fired for conduct unbecoming a teacher, charges recently filed with the state Office of Administrative Law allege. "Mr. Griso and Mr. (Daniel) Van Kruiningen (a teacher's aide) are not only aware of said situation but actually foster and encourage said behavior," the charges state.

WHERE THE GIRLS SWEAT #8

Elegant Angel

Rating: TWO "There Is A Reason Why We Don't Know These Bitches' Names" BUSTED NUTS

WHERE THE GIRLS SWEAT #8, or as I like to refer to it, WHERE THE GIRLS SUCK, and not in the good way either, is an exercise in mish-mash digital editing, with poor lighting and nary a cock to be found. Did I mention that it was also an exercise in futility wherein each scene, with the exception of the first and last, made it virtually impossible to attain and/or sustain an erection?

YES. IN FACT WE DO FEEL LIKE YOU LOOK.

A better title still could have been WHERE THE SAL SWEATS #1, frantically beating off at my semi-turgid tool in an effort to produce a somewhat weighty load only to find myself drenched with sweat and completely spent after dribbling out a sad and shameful one.

That being said, as I stated before, the first and last scenes in this movie are pretty good and, except for the lighting, are definitely watchable if not jackable. If you're way into girl-on-girl flicks I would say it’s a BUY; if you're like me and you could take them or leave them, it would have to be a pass.

Buy It NOW!

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MANUEL FERRARA'S ANAL EXPEDITION #5

Red Light District

Rating: FIVE GYROS-FOUR "Zorba" BUSTED NUTS

Fuckin’ Greeks, I tell ya. From the same country that gave us sheep buggery, hairy knuckles, Bakalava, and many a SkullGame contributor comes their newest, most revolutionary invention…

Ass Fucking.

All the fucking time. With little to no regard toward the asses that are being fucked or the fuckers who are being asked.

"I SEE...IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE...A TRIP...AND...WAIT, WAIT...A TRIP DOWN...A TRIP DOWN A CHOCOLATE-BRICKED ROAD WITH A MAN NAMED 'JOHN'...OR 'POPI'...OR SIR!!!" CHIQUITA LOPEZ AWAITING HER PSYCHIC FRIENDS

And to this I say “word, word, word”.

And “my, my, my”.

“Is that so, dear?”

CHIQUITA LOPEZ is the obvious exception to the rule; being a fucking Rican and such—but I’m not one to discriminate or refuse a bitch access my treehouse just because her pissflaps might be a bit mocha. Not at all dear readers, for I—Judge Roy Bean--believe in rainbows, puppy dogs, the dew of May mornings, and most of all ASS.

I mean it makes sense anyhow, right? Half of these hoes think that pussies were God’s little way of giving you a pocket for your spare change. This too do I believe.

Highly recommended. -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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JOEY SILVERA’S HELLCATS #2

Evil Angel

Rating: FIVE "Right To The Core Of Your Dark Fucking Heart" BUSTED NUTS

Oh man. This KITTY chick is ridiculous. She's 18 and looks 10. Though I'm sure some 10-year-olds have bigger tits. So what does JOEY SILVERA do to downplay her youngish looks? He gives her some crayons and a coloring book. To play with...

Then she pees on the floor.

And I bust a nut. The first of many.

To her and the rest of this near-perfect fuck flick.

KITTY: IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE? ONLY THE COCK HOLES IN HER UNDERWEAR KNOW

LUCY THAI appears in her first, of since plenty, anal scene. She looks young, fresh, and very much a woman; her swollen boobs an eye-popping contrast to KITTY'S nubs.

There's three scenes with two chicks (plus dudes) and each of these is jit-worthy. Highlights include:

1. KATJA KASSIN smothering JULIE NIGHT with her fat fucking ass.
2. KATJA punching JULIE in the stomach.
3. LAUREN PHOENIX rimming CAMERON JAMES like she hasn't eaten for a week.

But it's KITTY who dominates this one. And no need for guilt: sure, the titless-tits may look 10. But her turned-out labia doesn't look a day under 42. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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blackhole_17

YOU MISSED A FUCKING SPOT

MAGGIE STAR from TRAINED TEENS #3

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MIKE WE HARDLY KNEW YE...TYSON VS. JACKSON: A SKULLGAME STUDY OF ITALIAN SALANETICS MISAPPLIED. PLUS: KELLY OSBOURNE FATALLY FAT? OR FUCKABLE? MADONNA'S EFFORTS TO OUT-JEW JEWS REACHES NEW LEVEL OF JEWINESS; AND KEANU REEVES AIN'T FOOLIN' NOBODY.

But first....Imagine...if you will...a man who whilst claiming his sexual affiliation as heterosexual, imagine that this man one day called his friend Bob over and perhaps said something along the lines of "Bob. I'd like to have you take some shirtless photos of me leaning over the ass-end of my little red corvette."

...HEY BOB?

Now imagine this same man tried to fuck something that was something that VINNIE ROSE was fucking. Now while Vinnie ain't no hater he does hate the stench of the sneak, the snitch, and the bitch. Now imagine, if you can, Vinnie discovering this man, a man whom we'll call Brett, trying to fuck Vinnie's ho on the side withOUT paying. What would you think that our man Vinnie would do exactly?

EXACTLY.

KELLY OSBOURNE'S COCK CRY FOR HELP. WILL SKULLGAME HEED THE CALL??!?

THE EAT SHIT SISTERS: KELLY (LEFT) WITH HER SPIRITUAL ADVISER & DRUG COUNSELOR PRO TEM COURTNEY LOVE

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Rock matriarch SHARON OSBOURNE is devastated that her daughter KELLY is riding the revolving door road to rehab -- but she insists the treatment has nothing to do with drugs, much, or the fact that her father is a multiply addicted drug addict, or the fact that she has no extant excuse for existing or any of the 45 other reasons why she SHOULD be getting high and staying high, but is, instead, related to Kelly's low self-esteem, what on account of her being rich and fat, and now rich, fat and sad.

During an interview with the reputable journal of note The National Enquirer, Sharon broke down in tears when she revealed Kelly checked into a clinic after she "lost count of both her money and the muffins she had been eating and became hysterical" following a recent appearance on the U.K. TV show "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross."

The presenter had jokingly asked Kelly, 20, whether her new slim look in her publicity photos was the result of digital enhancements. A tearful Sharon said, "That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Kelly had a 'breakdown' because of her 'weight'. This is 'not', I repeat, 'not' about drugs. I wish it were that simple, but it's not. Kelly had a complete mental meltdown. They've always made fun of the way she looked, referring to her at times as a cow, a fat cow, a fat bitch cow, which is really redundant if you think about it, a fat bitch cow fatty fat fat fat, and so on. But this time around it seemed worse than usual to her and she could no longer cope with that. Being so fat and all."

Kelly checked into Pasadena, Calif.'s Las Encinas hospital last week where she will take a treatment of tacos and chocolate covered-mallomars to ease her reintroduction to the fat life.

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: BEING LIKE MIKE

"IN THE JAILHOUSE WE DID IT LIKE THIS...WAIT...LEMME SHOW YOU..." IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ ADVISING HIS CLIENT ON THE VICISSITUDES OF PRISON POKER

EDITORIAL (SkullGame) -- How is one Mike not like the other? A question that has been posed many times by many men and received many a varied answer. While both Mikes have had their respective brushes with the law for indiscretions of sexual nature both had very different outcomes. Okay, okay, both Mikes are indeed Black men, genetically, insofar as both were born with penises. One maintained his blackness, as well as his penis, while the other decided to forgo both his on his trip to middle-aged white-woman-ville. And while Mike with the penis was convicted, Mike the white woman might walk...

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, my bad.

MADONNA, NOT CONTENT TO JUST DESPOIL HER HUSBAND'S CAREER, SETS ABOUT DESTROYING ALL OF JUDAISM IN HER ROCKET RIDE TO SUPER JEW STATUS

OH YEAH. YOU LAUGH NOW. YOU JUST WAIT.

LONDON (SkullGame) -- Pop queen and stain on the eyes of eternity MADONNA has enraged residents of an exclusive area of London with her plans to open a Kabbalah drop-in center on their doorstep. The devout singer has splashed out $2.9 million on a swanky property near her own home in Regent's Park, North London, and intends to create a haven where devotees of Kabbalah can meditate and chant and count some of that $2.9 mil in peace and money-counting serenity.

But neighbors of the five-story abode are furious at the prospect, and have slammed Madonna's Kabbalah religion as a money-making "sect." Zeze El-Dib fumes, "We do not want any sect here. I do not want to interfere with anybody's religious wishes but with Kabbalah we have to be suspicious as we are indeed of any and all Jew-based religions."

Another unnamed local says, "Having a Kabbalah center would be totally inappropriate. It is a seriously manipulative sect, which is very good at getting people's money, including Madonna's. Yes..." said the source narrowing his eyes and pensively puffing on a cigarette-holdered cigarette, "getting money... swindling money...cheating money, you know, the usual for that kind of religion."

Madonna, or Esther Feldstein, as she is known by fellow Kabbalists, has also purchased a property in New York for the same purpose -- and is currently spending a staggering sum developing the center where followers will be able to count her cash away from the hubbub of the modern world.

And thieving Armenians.

YET ANOTHER BROWN REASON TO LIVE

MY OTHER HAND??? ONE GUESS...

NEWSFLASH (SkullGame) -- The first installment of the new celeb-reality show BEING BOBBY BROWN has one episode with Bobby describing how he helped his wife with her constipation, by inserting his fingers to massage it out. Whitney says, "When I told my girlfriends about it, they said 'That's real love, baby. That's real black love.'" Bobby then holds up four fingers and wiggles them in front of the camera.

Jesus fucking Christ.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, REOFFEND AGAIN & AGAIN

Fulton County Sheriff Bobby Hopper went to a farm to question the owner on a hunch when he got the whiff of anhydrous ammonia. He says he knew somebody was cooking the drug methamphetamine. Hopper says he entered a shop on the farm last Friday and found John Sowell, the man he was looking for, and three others, including his own son. Thirty-one-year-old Robert Hopper, Junior and the others were taken into custody at the scene of the clandestine meth lab. Each was charged with conspiracy to manufacture methamphetamine. Their cases will be heard by a county grand jury later this week. It was the second arrest in a month for the sheriff's son on meth-related charges.

THROAT GAGGERS #6

The worse rated movie in

SkullGame history.

Hence its greatness!!!

208486

2 COCKS FOR 1 OLD GRANNY

Leisure Time

Rating: FOUR "My What A Big Ass You Got Grandma" BUSTED NUTS

Let me esplain somethin' to you: IF when we say GRANNY, you just think of that old bitch next door, or perhaps, the one that's driving 55 in the fast lane, or maybe even the army of forgotten faces of broads over 50 who populate every single supermarket in every single city in America, well then you're totally OK with this old broad obsession of mine.

IF, however, you think of your OWN Grandma? Well you are fucked and no matter how much cheerleading I do for this creaking niche, you will just not get it.

SALLY LAYD, A LEISURE TIME GRANDMA GETTING GANGPOLED THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW: IN EXCHANGE FOR FOOD STAMPS.

But see with me it helps that

1) none of these old broads look anything like MY grandma.

and

2) well, see number 1.

And this fine, fine piece of work from probably my favorite budget house around, Leisure Concepts (nee Leisure Time) is...wait...let me just say again that I fucking love the name of their company...because, of course, my concept of LEISURE, much like KARL MARX'S has everything to do with the workers maximizing their pants-around-the-ankles' masturbation TIME, but I digress. This flick has like the Hollywood version of desperate housewives getting double-teamed SkullGame style: with maximum efficiency. None of this fixation with the modern high-fangled faggotry of two poles in the same hole. Nope. Like pigs on spits these ancient mariners getting poked from either end again and again before the facial basting that was as much an audience fave back then as it is now is my definition of a fucking party.

And to put a finer point on it (again): these old broads fuck like their lives depend on it. Which, to think of it, may indeed be the fucking case. -- VINNIE ROSE

Buy It NOW!

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CHASEY LAIN SMOKIN'

Cherry Boxxx

Rating: THREE "You Got To Be Shitting Me" BUSTED NUTS

It stars CHASEY LAIN… and it's called CHASEY LAIN SMOKIN'?!? Anyone who follows the adult film industry would know that this is just too fucking easy. The AVN Awards two years ago were just rampant with whispered rumors of a Chasey Lain OD. “I seen her pulled out on a stretcher” reports our own toothless yahoo ANTNEY MOMO. “She was all hopped up on yum yams and goofballs,” he says. With all that… it's either patently stupid to call any movie with Ms. Lain “SMOKIN’” anything, or if you subscribe to my school of thought, it's completely, mind-twistingly brilliant.

"8-BALL IN THE SIDE NOSTRIL! I MEAN COOCH!! I MEAN, I MEAN LET'S FUCKIN' PARTY!!!!" MS. CHASEY LAIN EXPLAINING THE FINER POINTS OF POCKET POOL

So, upon popping this gem in a jewel case into my DVD player the first thing I was expecting was…you guessed it: Ms. Lain all up on the glass dick, hitting the pipe and any number of euphemisms for smoking crack. Sadly, for me that is, there is none of that to be found. However brilliant that would have been; the boys at Cherry Boxxx decided to forgo the easy joke and focus on the fucking. And when given the choice to laugh or blow a load…you guessed it again. I’m blowing a load. And there are plenty a load to be blown in this fuck flick, 3 to be exact. If you’re a fan of Cherry Boxxx you will definitely be a fan of Cherry Boxxx Elite Edition. And Chasey Lain. And crack smoking. All of those. -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy It NOW!

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CUM DRENCHED TITS #2

Elegant Angel

Rating: FIVE "Why You Always Paging Me?" BUSTED NUTS

TIANA LYNN is a hero, a patron saint to our cause, a noble woman, a role model…

…and what appears to be a volunteer firefighter.

And I? Well I’ve always been an arsonist at heart--as well as a man who has a penchant for dropping his pipe in the couch. And, at times, somebody who needs just a little help to keep the ship floating…

One thing can be assured though, after viewing this nice little piece of digital debauchery. Ariana Jollee knows where my pipe went but is intent on bartering instead of returning my goods unsmokethd.

And for once, the good guy is winning. God Damn and God Bless.

EVA ANGELINA, HER TITS & A CRY FOR HELP: "PLEASE DRENCH US WITH, UM, CUM"

I had to dock a full point for the inclusion of CHERRY POPPENS; whom I wouldn’t even let wax poetically about “it” and what “it” could be used for. No thank you. Do not pass “Go” and while you are at it find a new dealer or get a real fucking job.

It also must be added that I bumped the rating up another nut simply for the theme song blaring over the menu. It’s some real Uncle Jesse shit; his greatest work by far—and a reason in and of itself to write us a check and get in on the motherfucking action, Jackson.

So what are you waiting for, a new Tom Cruise movie? -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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ASIAN MOUTH CLUB

Madness

Rating: THREE "The Scent Of Green Papaya" BUSTED NUTS

The good news: lots of Asian bitches sucking and sometimes fucking cock.

The bad news: it's not your cock. It's DAVID AARON CLARK'S cock.

WERE KIMMY KAHN TO ACTUALLY BE STARRING IN A FUCKING ENGAGEMENT WITH OUR COCKS WE CAN MOST ASSUREDLY GUARANTEE YOU THAT THIS SCENE WOULD LOOK LIKE A FUCKING COCONUT OIL TANKER EXPLOSION

CLARK is one of the few auteurs in gonzo porn and I'd gladly watch every movie he's directed. His apartment serves as location for all the scenes here and, as evidenced in the background, he has an impressive collection of books and crap.

Which attests to two simple facts:

1. He knows his KAZUO from his KUROSAWA.
2. He's a couch potato.

And he fucks like one.

So the action here gets boring. It's a home fuck video without the benefit of your own meatstick being involved. You can't sit there and relive the glory, saying "Hey, I remember that bitch. She rimmed me!" Or whatever's appropriate. (In VINNIE'S case, "Nevermind the cock, she was only 72!")

Which leads me to think, CLARK should've included a director's commentary. Narrate some trivia and tidbits to keep us interested. Tell us which ho sucked best, which ho actually knew how to read.

Etc.

The hoes: LACEY TOM, KIMMY KAHN, LUCY LEE, MILA YUNG, NAUTICA THORN, and LOLITA YOUNG. Who looks dangerously in need of some nutritious food. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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HIGH ALL THE TIME: THE SKULLGAME WEEKEND ROUND UP OR POST-FACTO EXCULPATORY EVIDENCE OFFERED IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN HOW IT GOT THERE, WHAT IT'S DOING THERE AND WHO IT REALLY BELONGS TO: STARRING FARRAH FAWCETT, MARGOT KIDDER & ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

"Hot metal and methadrine."-- Sisters of Mercy

WHAT A DIFFERENCE 20 YEARS, A TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILWAY OF CRANK, AND GETTING YOUR HEAD BASHED IN ON YOUR DRIVEWAY CONCRETE BY YOUR SPEED DEALER MAKES: FARRAH FAWCETT, THE SKULLGAME PATRON SAINT OF LOST WEEKENDS

THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS. ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE OFFERED TO YOU BY THAT COLUMBIAN PRICK JOSE RIOS WHO, IT SHOULD BE NOTED, MAKES A DANGEROUS HABIT OF BURNING HIS ERSTWHILE FRIENDS BY GOING A LITTLE TOO HEAVY ON THE BAKING SODA

1) MARGOT KIDDER

I BLAME SUPERMAN

2) You fuck the ring card girls and forget to steal their purses afterward.

YOU FUCK US? ON WHAT FUCKING FANTASY PLANET?

3) Your total inability to crank this list up to 10. (Operative word being crank.) Despite having ROBERT DOWNEY JR. as creative fucking consultant on this whole fucking thing.

WE BLAME SOCIETY!

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: MACAULAY CULKIN!!!

DON'T ASK. JUST DON'T ASK.

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Not only did VINNIE and I make it down to Fresno this weekend for the WORLD EXTREME CAGEFIGHTING match, which we will detail in full furtively delivered ring card girl blowjobs at some later point, but we also made it to some premiere event in LA during which I had the extreme pleasure of corralling the HOMO ALONE star himself, MACAULAY CULKIN. Him of the Michael Jackson sleepovers. Him of the curse of child stars who no one gives a fuck about anymore. WELCOME TO MACK AVE MOTHERFUCKER!!!

SkullGame: Whoa! This is a great party hey?

Macaulay Culkin: Yeah! I am really enjoying myself. Did you enjoy the screening?

SG: Screening?

MC: Yes, the screening of the movie.

SG: Movie?

MC: Yes! The movie! That’s why this party is going on.

SG: Ah yeah, I was just pulling your chain bro. Yeah, I don’t know. I can’t really get into a flick that I can’t pull out my cock and jack off to. You know what I mean?

MC: What news organization did you say you were with?

SG: Ah yes, I’m actually with CNN. I am doing a feature on mainstreaming pornography and FARRAH FAWCETT. But if it’s okay can I ask you some questions?

NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL FOR A SKAG.

MC: Yes, yes absolutely!

SG: Great, great. But I’d really like to loosen up before this interview though. Maybe a Captain Morgan Rum…a Captain and Coke. And I don’t want no Rum and Coke and Coke or a Cuba Libre. Who the fuck drinks those anyhow? But you know what I was really hoping for? A bag of chips. You know, religious reasons. Got to leave that pork alone…But what d’you say we start this interview now and stop fucking shilly-shallying around??

MC: Absolutely, dude. That would be totally cool.

SG: OK. I understand your Dad found, um, troubled pop superstar MICHAEL JACKSON sucking on a baby bottle with his 2-year-old son, your brother, Rory? Not only that but it wasn’t one of your brother’s bottles that he was sucking on, leading me to surmise that MJ has a collection of his own?

MC: I, um, don’t really want to talk about Michael, I mean his, I mean he’s a…I mean…

SG: Yeah, yeah, fine. Why don’t you just run along then?

MC: What’s that?

SG: I said I love this song. [Putting my hands up, I proceed to do a little dance. There is, it should be noted, no music playing at all save for the song I am tunelessly humming.]

At this point his handler explained to him that I was insane and didn’t work for CNN. He was an OK guy though. As gay as a 24-hour day is 24 hours, but he was OK. I mean he was no FARRAH FAWCETT, but he was OK.

CARLY FROM PORNBLOGRAPHY ACTUALLY REVIEWS THE MOVIE FOR US AS WE WERE TOO BUSY ENJOYING THE LIFTING OF THE HIV QUARANTINE TO BOTHER EVEN SEEING IT. WHATEVER IT WAS.

NINA HARTLEY GETTING ASS MUGGED BY CARLY PORNBLOGRAPHY JUST FOR OUR DEGENERATE PLEASURES

HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- I do on-set reports for Club Magazine, and here's one for my dear friend VINNIE ROSE.

So and so takes so and so from behind, thrusting madly, she explodes in orgasmic glee and then does her impression of a Krispy Kreme donut when he paints her face with protein.

A good time was had by all.

The end.

MIKA TAN from ASS WORSHIP 5

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"THAT METH ISN'T MINE!" JURISPRUDENTIAL GENIUS IN ACTION

Everyone agrees that 24-year-old Marlena Adams scorched about half her body when the ingredients for methamphetamine exploded in her oven. Beyond that, what happened to Adams depends on who's telling the story. Either she got burned making meth, or somebody was trying to kill her. The case surfaced Friday, when Adams pleaded not guilty in Palmer Superior Court to charges stemming from the incident. A Palmer grand jury indicted her on two drug charges last month. Prosecutors on Friday added a third charge: reckless endangerment, based on allegations that her 3-year-old son, Damien, was nearby. The boy's father, Daniel Jessup of Wasilla, has primary custody of Damien.

HAPPY AS A FAGGOT IN BOY'S TOWN? OR JUST MISUNDERSTOOD? A SKULLGAME LOOK AT THE MICHAEL JACKSON VERDICT & SPEAKING OF GAY: TOM CRUISE, KATIE HOLMES GO TO THE BEARDED NUCLEAR OPTION OF MOMOFINGLY MODIFIED MATRIMONY AKA "YOU SLEEP OVER THERE"

But VINNIE? Why for is ITALIAN SAL doing so much of the writing these days!?? WHY?!?!?

FOR REASONS A TAD TOO COMPLICATED TO GO INTO HERE, YOUNG SIR.

CALIFORNIA PENAL INSTITUTION ABOUT TO EARN IT'S NAME ON THE EVE OF A VISIT BY THE KING OF POP, REPORTS ITALIAN SAL FROM SUNNY SOLEDAD PRISON

V IS FOR VICTORY. AND VIRTUAL. AND VAGINA. ALL WORDS WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY IN MR. JACKSON'S NEAR TERM LEGAL DEVELOPMENTS

SOLEDAD (SkullGame) -- The California Department of Corrections is bracing for a possible visit by MICHAEL JACKSON. With the Jury deliberating felony charges against the King of Pop, Corrections officials are preparing for an extended stay that may likely be wrought with cigarette extortion and man-on-man anal sex, all of which may or may not include Mr. Jackson. Did I mention the man-on-man anal sex?

Prisoners have reported preparations in the works as well. Some have reportedly redecorated their cells with throw rugs, hurricane lamps and Astroglide© dispensers. A very large inmate who wished to only be identified as "The Booty Bandit" told reporters, "All these guys here are star struck, making their rooms all pretty and what have you, the only thing I am doing is limbering up, stretching and working the kinks out: we don’t get many middle aged white women around here.” Indeed they don’t.

"THE GIRL IS MINE. THE GOSHDARNED GIRL IS MINE..." THE BANDIT SINGS THE GREATEST HITS OF THE 80S IN PREPARATION FOR THE KING'S ARRIVAL

A spurious quote from the Jackson camp reports that the King of Pop is "limbering up, stretching and working the kinks out, they don’t get many middle aged white women around there.” Indeed they don’t.

ITALIAN SAL & MICHAEL JACKSON: ALONE AGAIN. UNCOMFORTABLY

I TOOK THIS PICTURE OF HIS NOSTRILS. WHY?!?! WHY??!?! WHY?!?!?!?

THE KING OF POP opines “Its just not the same any more” during a discussion with Mack Avenue Skullgame about his trial and possible conviction on child abuse charges.

We caught up with The Gloved One as he indulged in one of his favorite pastimes, handing out candy to kids at a playground. Ole Pale Face, as he likes to be referred to these days, said that the trial has really hurt his many, many, many, many attempts at a possible relationship, (with pre-pubescent boys) saying that the media coverage of the case has been overkill, hashing and rehashing all the accusations and indictments and accusations, rumors and innuendos that have dogged him, day in and day out, for the past decade.

Ole Pale Face went on to say “I just want get this behind…me,” resting his hand on the head of one of the unsupervised children in his wake. When asked about what he was in fact looking for in a relationship, Ole Pale Face said, “Boy. Boy, oh, boy, oh boy - that’s a hard one…I guess they would have to be young -- and energetic, be playful, have real childlike qualities. Yes, childlike and alive with the wonder of the world and all things in it that are shiny and close to my bedside table, that’s what I am looking for.”

I need to wash off this keyboard…and go to confession, mostly go to confession.

CRUISE? MORE LIKE CRASH INTO A 100-FOOT WALL OF HOMO STUPIDITY: TOM & KATIE TO JOIN IN HOLY BOUNDS OF UNCOMFORTABLY HETERO MATRIMONY.

CRUISE COMING OFF HIS BRAVURA PERFORMANCE AS TUPAC SHAKUR IN WHERE MY NIGGAZ AT? STARS AS OLD WHITE BROAD NOT NAMED MICHAEL JACKSON IN HIS NEW BIOPIC LET ME TELL YA 'BOUT WHITE CHICKS!

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- KATIE HOLMES, who has learned nothing from the screaming warnings emanating from the pieholes of MIMI ROGERS and NICOLE KIDMAN, has prompted rumors she and new boyfriend TOM CRUISE are planning to marry, after refusing to rule out a wedding. The pair have only been dating since April, a period of time described by Cruise as "long enough," but have already professed their love in press conference after press conference as well as on national TV, with Cruise famously atop talk show queen Oprah Winfrey's sofa, pumping his fists in what he guesses is a non-homotonic display of hetero non-sausage based lust.

And Holmes won't deny increasing reports they are actually engaged. When quizzed, she says, "Look I can't lie. We have to talk about that, Tom and I. But it just makes me smile when you ask about that. I'm so happy. I'm thrilled that my career is being ground into the dust under Cruise's machine of non-homolized justifications. I mean I'm so in love with Tom and that's all I care about. He's just the most amazing non-gay, he says, man in the whole world."

Of Cruise's bizarre appearance on Winfrey's show, she adds, "I sat there and I was, like, I'm the luckiest woman in the whole world who has fallen in love with a non-homosexual."

CUM ON MY LATIN TONGUE... AND SHY'S ASS

Madness

Rating: FOUR "In Praise Of Tuna Taco" BUSTED NUTS

Hmmm. That pedantic-yet-accurately-suffixed title sure rolls off the tongue... about as catchy as MARIAH CAREY'S latest hit. The one that goes, "................."

This's the first all-Latin DVD I've received from the cocks-that-be at SkullGame. Or at least it's the first all-Latin DVD without trannies I've received. That's cause for celebration.

If by "celebration" I mean confirming that all "girls" in the movie are girls, then rubbing one out.

SHY LOVE & HER TOTALLY, COMPLETELY REAL FUCKING RACK OF SALINE

The SHY in question is SHY LOVE. She reminds me of veteran skank TABITHA STEVENS. Like if the Puerto Rican janitor at a cloning lab jacked off into a petri dish containing TABITHA'S DNA, SHY would be the result. Minus the bleached asshole. And I don't mean her boyfriend: TABITHA bleached her actual bunghole.

Which is to say, SHY'S had so much surgery on her boobs you just hope the doctor didn't snip off a cock somewhere along the way.

Performances are on across the board (CHEROKEE, ICE LA FOX, and MIKA BROWN are other hoes involved) with JASMINE "FEEL THE" BYRNE really getting the fuckjizz flowing. Plus there's quality extras, bloopers I even laughed at...and SHY'S ass. -- MR. XTRA

Buy It NOW!

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TEENS WITH TITS #4

Diabolic

Rating: TWO "My Goddamn Hand Smells Like Drakkar Noir & I Guess Hef Is Getting Another Dollar" BUSTED NUTS

TEENS WITH TITS aka “My dude is coming through with the blow tomorrow, I fucking swear…”

“...and it’s going to be way nicer than last time; Peruvian shit; never stepped on…”

“…c’mon you’re my boy; I’d never bullshit you…”

You know how this situation ends?

Somebody gets cut, repeatedly, and the more they cry the more my sympathy wanes. “Why?” you ask: Because you fucking bullshitted me. These teens have tits, and you may very well score in the next 24 hours—but nobody told you it was cool to bring a bunch of motherfuckers that I don’t know by my house—and for that reason alone somebody, something, somehow must writhe and bleed out…

HOLLY WELLIN DOING HER LEVEL BEST TO DE-HOMO-IFY A HIGHLY HOMO-IFYING SITUATION

Granted—the girls are fine enough—as is the case in most Diabolic vids. There is a nice arrangement of semi-pro fiends present; willing to piss their fathers off to no one end for our viewing pleasure. I applaud their willingness to crank the volume up a few notches—but I just can’t hang with the “more dicks than tits” approach. I consider it unnecessary at best and bi-curious at worst. Hire an extra bitch and fire the Hulk Hogan-looking motherfucker with the Orange County Choppers gear on his head and cum-catcher on his lip. I’m trying to have a fucking hard-on here.

Oh, and if the faux art-fag camera work isn’t hilarious enough; just wait for the “behind-the-scenes” section—where these girls talk a whole lot…about stuff they want…like we give a fuck.

Forego buying this DVD; and wait for it to air next week on Lifetime Network For Men. Right after the feature presentation of “Sideways”… -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Don't Listen to Him...Buy It NOW!

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"SKULLGAME, WHERE THE FUCK YOU BEEN?!?!" A NATION CONCEIVES THE INCONCEIVABLE: IT DID NOT INVOLVE JAILTIME. PLUS AN ANGRY CALL FROM PARIS HILTON, A DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' REALITY FUCKING CHECK & THE HIGH LIFE EXAMINATION OF ALMOST CRUISEAN GAYNESS

And in our quest for peace, love and universal justice we start this week with a plea to The Olsen Twins: Please, please, please reconcile if for no other reason than the fact that you have provided us with countless hours of the kind of high quality entertainment that leads to loads left in dirty socks and on computer screens and that will inevitably lead to career-saving manuevers such as art house flicks where you play slutty angels that make out with each other. Naked. The Olsen Twins naked. And making out with each other. Slutty like. And.......oh....shit. Nevermind.

OUR NEW MOVIE IS CALLED "THE DIVINE TRAGI-COMEDY" AND FEATURES US AS CELESTIAL HOOKERS. IT'S GOING TO REALLY SHOW THE WORLD WHAT WE'RE MADE OF: MOSTLY TITS & YAYO, BUT STILL...

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: PARIS HILTON TO WED! AND OTHER TALES OF ANGRY PHONE CALLS TO OUR OFFICE WHEREIN THE CALLER SOUNDS ALL TREMBLY ANGRY & SHIT LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO CRY

IN A RARE & CANDID SHOT PARIS HILTON SHOWS HOW MUCH SHE LIKES NEGROES BY NOT SUCKING COCK LONG ENOUGH FOR THIS PHOTO TO BE TAKEN

LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Dirty, filthy, fucking suckstress PARIS HILTON to wed Greek shipping heir PARIS LATSIS, so says Rob Shuter, Hilton’s spokesperson, confirming the story that broke on People magazine's website saying “They are very happy and excited.” Evidently. As Paris 1 will marry Paris 2 most assuredly in order to form a more perfect union of such epic mediocrity that the collective world will shudder, not to mention crap its collective pants.

Paris (not the one with the cock between the legs but the one with the cock between the lips) was reported as saying. "I have serviced men orally, and poorly, all over the world, on camera, but sometimes there comes a time when you just have to do those things behind closed doors -- service men orally and poorly all over the world, that is. On camera.” Paris Latsis, whose family, as reported by Forbes magazine ranks number 54 amongst the richest in the world, is also quite fond of the idea that guys all over the world are watching his chick service men orally and poorly.

Paris (the one with the cock between the legs and not between the lips) also went on to say. “It's all my fault. I truly deserve this. I’ve had a very good life and have been given everything I have ever desired... where was I going with this? Oh yeah. It’s my entire fault; and for my sins I will be held up to ridicule of Biblical proportions, a scorn so...what was I saying again?

Oh yeah, my bad.”

AN ITALIAN SAL EDITORIAL: DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' FANTASY A DISPIRITING REALITY

EVA LONGORIA. DESPERATE. AND A HOUSEWIVE. HOLLYWOOD STYLE.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES finishes out the season in ball-busting rub-your-face-in-a-pile-of-shit fashion, convincing all men once and again that while the desperate housewives that we are used to seeing--vis-à-vis the angry Sea Rhino’s we share our respective lives and nightmares with--and the sexy, older yet well-put-together greedy bitches from TV are light years from one another.

KATHY WOODS. DESPERATE. AND A HOUSEWIFE. PLANET EARTH STYLE.

One of my closest married friends when reached for comment on last week's episode and how it was similar or dissimilar to his life said: “Why God? Why do I have but one life to live but one thousand deaths to die?” To which we at Mack Avenue Skull Game say: “Is that so?”

And later when the weeping began "my, my, my."

And finally concluding with: “take it on the arches.”

I am Italian Sal and that's the God's honest fucking goddamned truth.

A POLICE BLOTTER ROUNDUP OF TASTEMAKERS, EARTH SHAKERS, & OPINION BREAKERS

LINDSAY LOHAN

OH. THANK GOD WE'RE OKAY!!!

Lindsay Lohan was involved in a collision with the paparazzi in Los Angeles Tuesday. The teenage star was attempting to escape photographers when one of the chasing vehicles struck her car. The actress' worried mother Dina says in a statement, "I thank God my daughter was able to walk out of the car."

Los Angeles police confirm that her tits are still perfectly fucking load worthy.

MICKEY ROURKE

AFTER A COURSE IN ITALIAN SALANETICS MY LIFE HAS IMPROVED -100 MILLION PERCENT

Mickey Rourke fought back tears at the British premiere of his latest movie, "Sin City," on Monday -- because he never thought he'd get a second chance in Hollywood after his "drug" "addiction" ended his film "career". The 48-year-old star whose alcohol and cocaine habits prompted violent outbursts said "I am so grateful for my second chance. I was finished, crazy, washed up. I don't feel like I deserve it. I just feel grateful. So grateful. So...grate...ful....that I think I'll celebrate by GETTING FUCKING HIGH....ON LIFE!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!?"

OLIVER STONE

"HOW GAY ARE YOU REALLY? I MEAN ON THE CRUISE SCALE?" "AS GAY AS YOU ARE HIGH." "FAIR ENOUGH."

Controversial filmmaker Oliver Stone, a fan of drunk driving and possession of drugs, has been arrested in Beverly Hills, Calif. at a police checkpoint on Sunset Boulevard on Friday night, where cops allegedly found that he had directed that exceedingly gay piece of shit ALEXANDER during a search of his Mercedes car. Stone, 58, was released on $15,000 bail on Saturday morning.

The legendary director underwent a rehabilitation program for overly manly motion picture making in 1999 but it has apparently not stuck what with his latest flick being one, long, low excuse for more jailhouse kissing than usually seen in a biopic not specifically staring TOM CRUISE.

HEY, THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO US 8 OR 10 TIMES

The police officer's Quarter Pounder with Cheese tasted a little funny, and for good reason: It was laced with methamphetamine. The incident happened in Desloge, Mo., about 50 miles southwest of St. Louis, but was not made public until Friday. Police Chief James Bullock told KMOV-TV in St. Louis that the officer went to McDonald's and bought the sandwich, then took it back to the police station. "He thought it tasted kind of funny so he looked at the burger," Bullock said. "It looked like it had a foreign substance on it." The burger was sent to the Missouri Highway Patrol crime lab for testing and tested positive for meth.

I DIG 'EM IN PIGTAILS

A pig in a poke? Exactly fucking right!!!

227558

2 WEEKS OF MADNESS & SHE'S IN LOVE FOR SURE

YO VINNIE,
I know this chick. She's a fan of the double team. Not just a one time fling thing but several double teams, several places. Well eventually I was double teaming her alone. I mean I was fucking her alone. She had boyfriends the whole time but then the inevitable happened: because I knew The REAL Her it got so's that none of the other guys could really compete. Long story much tragically shorter: she's in love. While I know she's too good to be gotten rid of how the fuck do I slip out of her house-car-cats-kids-&-walks-on-the-beach bit whilst retaining her? -- TONY (by email)

I...I...I THINK I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THIS COCK IN MY MOUTH. BUT HOW TO BREAK IT TO THE COCK UP MY COOCH? HOW?!?!?

Dear Rest Haven 4 Hoes: The objective is here and always the same: to bang as many broads as many times as possible with relative impunity withOUT having to pay for it. To quote Buckminster Fuller. Or The Old Dirty Bastard. Or whoever the fuck: "we want pussy!!! For FREE!!!" So, yes, how to avoid those fucking balloon payments of long talks about shit that ain't concern you in the slightest, visits to her parents, and the undeniably inevitable attempt to impinge on your extra-pussy-curriculars. I'll tell you how: lie.

Very simple. Much like the nation-state of Italy you must agree to everything and do nothing.

I mean she tells you she's in love and you're supposed to....?!?! Care??! Reciprocate?!!? Start going to poetry readings?!?! Fuck that. Her being in love, unless she carries a knive, is clearly HER problem, not yours. But the important thing is this thing that you should never forget: as long as the deli's serving you got to be eating.

Count your blessings, drop as many loads as you can before she finds you out, and as usual, feel free to let the rest of us bang her as long as she'll be banged before she's visited by the over-powering urge to de-sluttify her whole double ding dong act.

ANAL FEVER #5

Anarchy Films

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Bring Me A Diet Pepsi" BUSTED NUTS

I actually had to see this film two times. Not because it was the best porn I had ever seen…I wish!…but rather because I was in such a foul mood when watching it the first time. This in itself was not necessarily the problem, because truly bad porn can also be inspiring...inspiring to write a nasty review, mind you. No, the problem here is that the film is not bad ENOUGH!

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM BUTTERBALL BITCHES LIKE MELANIE JAGGER? HANGING AROUND YOUR FUCKING APARTMENT EATING MARSHMALLOWS WHILST STARING FORLORNLY AT YOUR NORDIC TRACK? YEAHHHHH...US TOO.

It is just plain boring, and it is obviously difficult to write anything interesting, good or bad, about boring...So I saw it again, this time determined to find reasons as to why someone would want to watch it...well...I guess the best argument would be that you, um, well, of course, well, you see, I guess you DO get to, YEAH, you get to see fuckers fuck!!! But that is kind of like going into a whorehouse and being surprised that it's populated with whores. I figure you had figured that out already….

Actually there is something I liked very much about the film and that was the LIGHTING! It made me think of old 70’s porn films…only without the plot…which is probably for the best anyway…

The girls were your typical “girls-in-a-porn film” girls, and the guys were just that..GUYS! The only girl who kind of stood out among the rest was a slightly chubby one…she seemed quite feisty while having a threesome with two guys and I think she was freaking one of them out a bit…it was pretty obvious she didn’t think he was fucking her hard enough, which is too bad…it might have been a better porn if he did… -- ANGEL BABY

Buy It NOW!

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BELLADONNA'S FUCKING GIRLS

Evil Angel

Rating: THREE "Formulaic Faggotry" BUSTED NUTS

"You know how many fingers you have in your butthole?"

"Mwasaguuuuh."

"No, you probably can't count that high."

"Mwaaguhhhhneeffft!"

"You've got four fingers in your butthole."

"OH YEAH, I'M PREGNANT," SAYS BELLADONNA, "NOW BRING ON THE GODDAMNED LESBOS!"

And so we begin our voyage, courtesy of the ultimate queen of wild lesbo anal fests, MS. BELLADONNA of Biloxi, Mississippi. One certainly cannot fault Ms. B for the enthusiasm with which she documents her chosen subject. "Every inch and every hole," indeed. There is so much crazy anal action going on here, that to even bother to include "anal" on the fetish menu is to over-egg the pudding on such a goddamned gargantuan scale that it's baffling. Surely just "start DVD at any point and wait patiently for, oh - about 15 seconds" would suffice?

KAMI ANDREWS comes home from a hard day at the office and lets her toy ISABEL out of the closet, and by gloria if they don't commence an anal fuckfest of olympic standards, I mean open motherfucking sesame baby, because me, my 10 friends, and the entire grecian army are coming in!

GIA PALOMA and JAYNA OSO make crazy with some glass and chrome, and some unique inflatables. FLOWER TUCCI and ARIANA JOLLEE distinguish themselves by their ability to squirt on tables, floors, and their own faces, before we get a cheerleader sleep over with (pregnant) Bella and KATRINA KRAVEN. Then, finally, (non-pregnant) Bella gets dominated by LAUREN PHOENIX.

The only downside to this whole she-bang for me is that, as crazy as it may sound, after watching two hot chicks turn each other inside out for about 20 minutes, it gets a bit, er... dull. Every scene is two chicks, every scene has buttplugs, dildoes, anal beads, rim jobs, strap-ons... it just gets a bit dull after awhile. Don't get me wrong, the chicks are hot, they approach the task with fantastic brio and .... sorry - did I just fall asleep during a PORN FLICK?

But you gotta love Bella, man, she's hot as three kinds of hell and she just seems to be having so damn much fun, she can piss on my strawberries any day. -- MS. PINK

Buy It NOW!

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A PERVERTED POINT OF VIEW #8

Diabolic

Rating: FOUR "Don't You Fucking Look At Me" BUSTED NUTS

The aristocrats at Diabolic, once again, manage to pull out (pun intended) a motion picture of a most fuckworthy design—this time in the form of the eighth installment of the nefarious PERVERTED P.O.V. series. The title, though self-explanatory to everyone but your average SkullGame "reader" (and with that I am being quite liberal) [What?!?! What he talkin' 'bout, Willis?!?! -- VINNIE] does indeed foreshadow properly. Broken into 12 episodes (ranging in length from 5-20 minutes), this flick showcases the finer aspects of drug addiction, fucked up career counseling and pure obsession with all things cock-related…

ONE DEGREE IN "COMMUNICATIONS" LATER & KYLIE KURVES SUCKS PASTE FOR A LIVING: PERFECT!

…but, unfortunately, the action varies and some of the hotter bitches are only on screen for the amount of time it takes for me to be talked into an erection (DILLAN LAUREN) whereas others (cough cough MADISON DE CARLO, cough) overstay their fucking welcome—which is 5-10 minutes that could've been more wisely spent ordering some motherfucking ProActiv or washing her goddamn kidshitter out or perhaps considering returning to the junior college from whence she came…

That is to say that this film is not without it’s minor disappointments, howsever; but fortunately my sentimentality is in full-swing this fine evening; and the uncanny resemblance to my high school "career" (as a teacher, not a student) is damn near omni-present. That’s right: some of these bitches suck it, others fuck it, and yet some others just seem content talking about it...

…but that’s something I’ll take up with God later. We’ll leave the just world hypothesis for the next plane of existence and be happy knowing that someone, somewhere, is sucking it, fucking it, or thinking out loud about it… -- JUDGE ROY BEAN

Buy It NOW!

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SPERM SWAPPERS

Elegant Angel

Rating: FOUR "You Bet Your GODDAMNED Life" BUSTED NUTS

E=mc2!

What a simple goddamned formula! You'd think porn companies would pursue this bastion of simplicity whilst making jerk-off material, but no such luck. We are constantly bombarded with
godawful fucking attempts to arouse our most valuable appendage with shit we could do without!

It's like ELEGANT ANGEL reached inside my brain and extracted the proper fuel for my "Dangly Parts"!

VERY Fucking GOOD! Ya gots it right. I don't wanna see two sausages per capita!

POPPY MORGAN, NO RELATION TO MARTINEZ, LOOKING DOWN THE BUSINESS END OF YET ANOTHER LOAD

STRIKE THAT, REVERSE IT!!!! Ya got the right idear. By the way, rather than see a PUNKYPAK eat his own baby batter, two hot bitches swapping it is a much better concept! Jesus H. Motherfucking Goddamned Mary Magdalene's Salad Tossing Christ!!!

(Insert your fave obscenety here!!!)

When some lucky bastard was taking one stroke apiece in VICTORIA SWEET an' POPPY MORGAN'S ass, back and forth and back and forth...

I knew that I was home. Home is where the hard is. -- RAYMOND J. JUSTIN JONES JR. THE GODDAMNED 3RD

Buy It NOW!

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SEXY & 17: SHE'S MY LITTLE 5-YEAR JAIL SENTENCE DREAM

YO VINNIE,
I fucked up. Met this girl in a club. Fucked her. Eventually dumped her. Then discovered that she was 17. The club was a 21 and older club. She's making noises like she's going to the cops. Is this my fault? And what can I do to save my ass?--G.D. (by email)

ANOTHER 17-YEAR-OLD--TRACI LORDS--PURE AS THE DRIVEN FUCKING SNOW

Dear Humbert Humbert: Interesting. That is, interesting that you got your ass in a sling from which it will take much craft to extricate yourself. Well let's say this first by way of legal disclaimer: I AIN'T NO FUCKING LAWYER AND ONLY A FOOL WOULD FOLLOW MY ADVICE. That being said, I say that first of all you need to get yourself a Palm Pilot Card Reader. It's become de rigeur in San Fernando Valley. It reads the mag stripe on the backs of driver's licenses and lets you call bullshit on bullshit.

Now getting out of that hot fucking pussy you stumbled into: yeah, the club does bear some responsibility but in this instance two wrongs won't make you right. She was under 18, YOU fucked her. Case closed. Now if you're like 23 years old and it does end up in court you might be able to convince a DA, a judge and a jury that you were operating in good faith and just didn't know but if you been picking her up from school and shit you're fucked.

In any case you're still fucked. As a minor she's not commonly held to be able to tell her ass from say, a hole in the ground. Or your cock. So she's in all instances blameless. You are to blame. Follow ROMAN POLANSKI'S lead and beat it out of dodge.

VINCE VOYEUR'S CUM DRIPPERS #5

Red Light District

Rating: 5 CUM DRIPPING BUSTED NUTS

Buy this movie; buy it now. And get some lotion….And tissues, you’ll need some tissues too.

Internal cum shots? Yes.

All about internal cum shots? Guess again.

This movie will have you punching yourself in the face. These are all girls-next-door-type bitches, no phony tits, no pancake makeup and above all, NO CYNICAL INDUSTRY ATTITUDES. These bitches are stupid, and loving every minute of it. Loads of DP’s and ATM’s (not the cash machine). And all these girls are right off the Greyhound, and super sexy to boot.

This movie features RYAN STARR who is one fine bitch, one that may have you hopping the first bus to Phoenix. Yes, she is that good. And stupid? Whoa, she is stupid as the day is long. Which as far as I’m concerned makes them that much more beautiful because having any sorts of thoughts rolling around up there at all puts lines on the face and as Helen Gurley Brown has said that is "bad."

So, if you are into internal cum shots?

Bingo.

If you're into very sexy bitches getting pounded on like they stole something?

BINGO!--ITALIAN SAL

Buy the VoD or DVD

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CYTHEREA IS THE SEX GODDESS

Baby Doll Pictures

Rating: FOUR "It Doesn't Look Real, Or Maybe Too Real" BUSTED NUTS

Who knew that 2nd century Rome had already taken note of the particular usefulness of Velcro?

Evidently, not me.

WHAT BECOMES A GODDESS MOST? I MEAN OUTSIDE OF COCK? CYTHEREA FIGURING IT OUT. THE HARD WAY.

Likewise the squirting super star CYTHEREA's new and rising status as a god apparent. And her penchant for dressing like one. See, this reminds me of why period movies and naked women have retained such a huge popularity in the US.

I seriously enjoyed this movie, save maybe for the scene featuring tiny-titted DESIREE who quite possibly took her role as the slave girl being forced to service a Roman Centurion a little too far. She literally looks like she would rather be just about anywhere other than below the sweaty JOHN WEST.

So, initial criticism aside. The movie is good if not for the hokey plastic Roman Soldier get ups. Great looking women, not too much story, just how I like it.

Now you see? Movies with Roman themes don’t have to degenerate into out and out homo-root action… -- ITALIAN SAL

Buy it NOW!

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VINNIE ROSE IS BACK FROM GERMANY & FUCKING HIGH ON LIFE. AND CRACK. AND LOVE. BUT MOSTLY CRACK. SO WELCOME BACK TO SKULLGAME'S ALL NAZI ISSUE WITH HEIDI KLUM, NICOLE KIDMAN, & JOHN MCENROE

"They took me to this Museum. Holo...Holo-something or other. They called it 'The Museum of German Achievement'. Anyways we went there and they gave us these kicky little museum badges that look like yellow stars and said 'Jude' inside them. I mean how did they know?!?! Well, it was just extremely thoughtful, that's all I'm saying."

WHAT HAPPENS TO NAUGHTY NAZIS WHO HAVE BEEN CAUGHT WITH THEIR HANDS IN THE GENOCIDAL COOKIE JAR ONE TIME TOO MANY

UBERMODEL HEIDI KLUM DEFEATS LOGIC; LOGIC MYSTIFIED

OHHHH....I SEE. SHE'S GOT CREAM ALL OVER HER ASS!!! WHY YES, THAT IS HILARIOUS MS. KLUM. MY "SPECIAL" FROSTING MADE WITH MY "SPECIAL" SAUCE IS ONE FUCKING LAFF RIOT. NOW, UM, RUB SOME ON YOUR LIPS, IF YOU WOULD. GREAT...GREAT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BERLIN (SkullGame) -- German SuperModel HEIDI KLUM'S famous long legs have been valued at more than $1.8 million by a jewelry specialist, lunatic and desperate-for-any-kind-of-publicity-at-all, John Souglides.

Souglides, from auction house Phillips De Pury & Co., assessed the Victoria's Secret skag's legs using the principles of jewelry evaluation -- length, shape, rarity, commercial value and the likelihood that cracking them open will lead to someone getting fucked -- so the 31-year-old can be insured for the duration of her ads for Braun's latest hair removal product.

Souglides says, "Having valued static objects for 15 years, it makes for a refreshing change to be asked to, um, get a knuckle-deep evaluation of the value of something living, breathing, yielding and warm and wet to the touch of my trembling hand."

"Phillips De Pury has been in the valuation business since 1796. Although we have valued some unusual and unique pieces in that time, this is the first time we have ever been asked to value a hot Nazi bitch like this one."

NICOLE KIDMAN FORCES A FLUID ALLIANCE WITH HAUPTSBAUMFUHRER KLUM

"TOM? I'M LEAVING YOU FOR THE GAY GUINEA." "WHAT? I'M SORRY. I WAS THINKING ABOUT GEORGE MICHAEL'S LEGAL TROUBLES."

ROME (SkullGame) -- Because she hasn't dated a Gay man in a while, Hollywood superstar slut NICOLE KIDMAN is keeping company with the de facto Gay Italian motor racing boss FLAVIO BRIATORE.

The star, who was married to TOM "I'M NOT GAY" CRUISE for 10 years, set tongues wagging when she was spotted sharing an intimate, sausage brandishing "rendezvous" with Briatore over dinner last week.

Now friends say the pair is planning to spend time together this week in Venice, Italy -- where Kidman is promoting her latest film, "Birth," at the Venice Film Festival. A German source close to Kidman says, "I can't see this latest one being more than a passing fling at best. Mostly on account of the fact that the Italians will turn and run at the slightest provocation, a small Ethiopian child with a stick for example. "

Briatore has a reputation as a conflicted Casanova and highly repressed homosexual and has fucked the shit out of some of the world's most beautiful women including EVA HERZIGOVA and NAOMI CAMPBELL. He is also the bastard sire of ex-girlfriend Heidi Klum's baby, Leni Riefenstahl.

TATUM O'NEAL GRAND SLAMS JOHNNY MCENROE. AGAIN.

IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT SCORING HEROIN IS MADE SIMPLER BY, INSTEAD OF CASH, USING SEXUAL FAVORS.

NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Oscar winner TATUM O'NEAL has recently blasted ex-husband steroid user, cokehead and Neo-Nazi JOHN MCENROE, insisting she has never once regretted walking out on the former tennis ace.

In an interview with ROD STEWART-impersonator BARBARA WALTERS, the actress said she left JOHNNY MACK when she realized his cruelty was wrecking the family. The couple have been at odds for years -- and McEnroe shocked the world last year with a tell-all book that revealed he and his ex-wife did drugs together. They're still involved in a custody battle for the kids following O'Neal's 1997 rehab stint for a heroin problem.

Tatum says, "He can be extremely cruel. He told me that I was a coward, that I was full of goddamned shit, that I needed to respect him more. He told me never ever ... try to leave me, I will hurt you I will take away the kids. McEnroe wants to kill me. He kicked me down the stairs. All I wanted was something, anything, like even a C-note for a little taste of something, anything, but he kicked my ass down the stairs. I just couldn't take it. If he won't score for me I'll just go somewhere with someone, anyone, who can. And who doesn't make me suck off the dog too often for the amusement of his friends. THAT'S the kind of man I'm looking for."

BEAT ME SENSELESS

Noose Video

Rating: TWO "Lightly, Battered" BUSTED NUTS

With this title, you know that either they can’t, or won't be able to, deliver. Which is a yawn. OR they will deliver, which THE ARGENTINE does not find arousing, and so therefore it’ll still be a yawn.

MGHHE. GYHE. AHHM. AHAHAHA!!!

Now that we know that there's no way this one can win, it should be said that there IS some nice work here but our actress just doesn’t convince. You get the subtext pretty quickly. An alt couple digging a young and wild vibe that they can titter about in their fat middle age while drinking rum drinks at Trader Vic’s.

You know how I hate to be vulgar, dear reader, but fuck that.

Try this on, Bob. Girl walks through door. Girl doesn’t take her clothes off fast enough for her itchy trigger finger sex beast. He shakes his head sadly and tells girl to expect repercussions. Girl gets all "Oh, no! I didn’t mean to be a bad girl!" only she fucking means it because she knows what’s next and the punishment begins.

Then give us plenty of appropriately administered admonishments dealt out to a chorus of whimpers and tears.

Why do I always have to point this shit out to you people? Where the fuck is my paycheck? -- THE ARGENTINE

Buy it NOW!

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BABY'S GOT TWO BACKS AND A COUPLE OF CHINS AND SHE'S NOT EVEN CHINESE

YO VINNIE,

I'm having continuing fantasies about fucking fat women. Yup. Fucking fat women on the beach, fucking fat women in the gym, fucking fat women, well, just basically fucking fat women. Any idea how to go about actually fucking a fat woman?--R.H., Sacramento, Ca

Dear Chunk Style: By offering to help them fix their flat tires. I mean me and Sal was out at the Emerson Bar and Grill in Palo Alto the other night and this broad comes back in and she's all asking if anyone's got a jack, a lug wrench, the whole nine. Well we says yeah and we walk outside to help her change her flat and she's like just like in the movies, "how am I ever going to repay you?" And Sal says, "like by sucking our dicks," and so right there in the parking lot this broad starts chowing down on our fucking summer sausages and then we're taking turns fucking her and then we move into her fucking home-sized SUV and she says "what I really need is for someone to eat my pussy." And Sal gave me a look like he was about to fucking take it on the arches right there but I take one for the home team and swab her out and...oh. I'm sorry what the fuck was your question again?

Oh yeah: how to actually fuck a fat woman.

Preferably with your dick, dumbass.

HOT BODS AND TAIL PIPE #26

Celestial

Rating: 2.5 PB BLASTER BUSTED NUTS

While the concept of hot rods and porn would seem to be a recipe for the accumulation of billions of American dollars and though the locales included some nice rides, I guess what I was hoping for was ratchet sets, references to nut wrenches and girls getting tuned up on hydraulic lifts.

Where were the coveralls? The obvious lube job jokes? Girls getting an oil change in the back seat of a ’60 Chevy while guys worked on mysteries without any clues? Oh, wait. That’s Bob Seeger. My bad, as the kids say.

What about people fucking in cars moving at insane speeds down back roads? Christ, what about people fucking on cars moving at insane speeds down back roads?

Don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of the old in/out in this flick including a fairly heady scene (yeah, I know) involving two very eager Latina chicks diagnosing some mook’s torsion rod with more than the average amount of gusto. Just wait until he sees what they charge for labor. But come on. This is fucking Jiffy Lube on any given day. Gimme the meth-addicted Jethro Bodines best exemplified by the terminally tripped out TT Boy. The Snap On tool time guy. Anything. That is, anything to take my mind off of the fact that this is a fuck flick and I'm thinking about vice grips.--THE ARGENTINE

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PERFECT

STUDENTS are turning to the sex industry to pay their way through university because federal Government reforms have made education increasingly expensive, a Melbourne researcher says. Students chose sex work because it offered short hours and high pay, according to a University of Melbourne survey of 40 sex workers from seven Victorian tertiary institutions. Deregulating student fees, reducing government expenditure, privatization and increasing university fees had all contributed to financial strain on the students, Sarah Lantz from the university's Centre for Adolescent Health said.