NEWSFUCKINGFLASH.....
PARIS HILTON: "I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH A COUPLE OF PEOPLE". COUPLE OF HUNDRED THOUSAND COCKS SIMULTANEOUSLY GET THEIR FEELINGS HURT AT BALD-FACED LIE
"YUP. JUST THIS ONE. AND ONLY ONE OTHER THOUSAND LIKE IT."
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON has only slept with "um...a couple of people," because she respects herself too much to tell us the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the goddamned truth.
The "Simple Life" "star" has had "high"-"profile" "relationships" with former near-homosexual Backstreet Boys "star" Nick Carter and Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden, but is currently single after splitting from the rocker in November.
And Hilton insists she just kisses the majority of her suitors, "on the pee pee" and plays "hard to get" rid of to ensure men are "serious" about "dating" her.
She tells Glamour magazine, "I've only done it (had sex) with a couple of people. (A couple is 1000, right?) People make up stories about my vagina, but mostly I just kiss. On the pee pee. I think it's important to play hard to get rid of. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. Even if if is on sale. Or if you get Wynona to shoplift something for you. Or, you left a bindle of coke in it. That wasn't even yours. And...wait...Where was I? Oh yeah: If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you, unless you also kiss his pee pee. On film. No, he'll want you much more if he can't have you...for less than 4 percent of the gross receipts on the pee pee kissing film."
CHAPTER 17 of WHAT THE ELVES BROUGHT ME...
LOTS & LOTS OF FUCKING TRIPS BACK TO THE ELVES' HOUSE...
...AND A VISIT FROM OLIVIA!!!
"VINNIE IS THE BEST" SAYS OLIVIA. AS TRANSLATED BY VINNIE. ON THE BASIS OF A BRIEF PHONE INTERVIEW WITH THE OFFICERS ASSIGNED TO INVESTIGATE HER CHARGES AGAINST US.
SAN FRANCISCO (SkullGame) -- In the world of well-known facts little is better known than the fact that
1) Zig-Zag Bail Bonds sucks for getting you out of jail for Felony Menacing charges.
2) Throwing shotgun shells onto the freeway doesn't constitute the larger part of that menacing charge.
and
3) OLIVIA is not only the patron saint of semen extraction but that she's also SkullGame's saint of semen extraction. We...we LOVE her. And will be all over that shit when she comes to visit. That is IF we can scrape up her $1500 appearance fee.
Oh yeahhhh. And it all comes screaming to a halt. Well we love you anyway, babe. Just not more than 1500 fucking simolians. But how about this?
You do the interview for nothing and a highly, highly superlative fucking?
Think about it.
SHANIA TWAIN TIRES OF CASH; EXPECTED TO WORK FOR JIZ, KIND WORDS, INSTEAD
THE STEPFORDESQUE SUCKTRIX LOVES COCK. AND JESUS. BUT MOSTLY COCK.
NASHVILLE (SkullGame) -- Country star slut SHANIA "PISSPOTS" TWAIN hates the "trappings" of her "success" so thoroughly that, in a fit of think tank levels of thinking...with her ass, she wishes she was broke instead. And working at WENDY'S. While delivering tear-stained and inexpertly administered suck jobs to a succession of managers. In the store room.
Twain, though making millions from an ultra-successful solo career of fleecing fans of yellow ribbon magnets, mullets and Cowboy Up stickers out of their few remaining dimes -- reportedly $57 million from concert ticket sales this year alone -- she, cuntishly complains and sees the money she makes as a goddamned "burden".
"Money is a burden," says the semen-slicked Shania. "All anybody needs is enough to eat and have a roof over their heads. Any more than that is a stress. So, forthwith I am giving all of my money to a worthy charity. JUST KIDDING, hahahahahahahaha. Had you really going there for a minute didn't I? Now where was I? Oh, yes...38 million...39 million..."
DONALD TRUMP'S NEW SHOW PITS BOOK VS. STREET SMARTS
LOSE THE CHUNK & WE'RE DOWNTOWN WITH A DISCOUNT, BABY
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame Special by JIMMY THE G) - Real estate mogul turned TV star Donald Trump is turning his next prime-time boardroom from a battle of the sexes into a contest between "book smarts" and "street smarts."
When the pimps strafe a crack team of middle managers with bullets, The Donald is too busy having lackeys change his soiled silk drawers and wiping his ass for him to utter his signature phrase, "You're fired!"
When SKULLGAME sought comment from The Donald, he was heard to remark, "While my recent bankruptcy has left my investors with all of the liabilities arising from my failed casino ventures, the millions they lost got me a hot new wife! See what a skillful CEO I am?"
