THIS edition of SkullGame is being brought to you by actress EVA MENDES whose rampant-straight-to-rehab level of drug usage, not abuseage in our book, has catapulted her into considering doing GHOSTRIDER #2, when #1 signaled the end of all that was good about Planet Earth, but beyond that has created a situation where she's taking her clothes off and sucking her toes in public, the results of which appear here forthwith....

AH...OOPS....SORRY, SORRY....HOW ARE THOSE RETINAS OF YOURS? BURNING? SORRY, SORRY....

...actually we're not sorry. But Dig EVA...no, no, no...for real now....

JESUS...WE NEED JOBS IN HOLLYWOOD.

So, thank YOU, Eva. For titties and the cocaine that fuels them.

TONYA HARDING WRITES A BOOK. ABOUT HER SNATCH. WHILE WE'D LIKE TO SUPPORT THE ARTS WE THINK THIS IS MORE A "SHOW" & MUCH LESS A "TELL"

HOW WE REMEMBER HER

HELL (SkullGame) -- Former U.S. skating champion-turned-felon-turned-reality-TV-star-turned-desperate whore TONYA HARDING has penned a tell-all book in a bid to show the public she doesn't deserve her "bad girl" tag.

In "The Tonya Tapes," Harding reveals she was beaten by her ex-husband, Jeff Gillooly, and "knew" "nothing" about his 1994 clubbing attack on skating rival Nancy Kerrigan, which Harding was "accused" of plotting.

Kerrigan was forced to pull out of trials for the 1994 Winter Olympics as a result of her injuries, but was allowed to compete in Lillehammer, Norway, where she won a silver medal. Tonya made some skin flicks, boxed and, apparently, ate a lot. A whooooole lot.

AND HOW THE BEAR CLAWS, PIZZA, BEER, TWINKIES & CHOCO-POPS REMEMBER HER.

The skater also reveals she had attempted suicide. By eating, a novel application of suicide theory. Harding insists the reason she wrote the book was to clear up mistruths and misconceptions about her. Oh, and the cash.

She explains, "I just wanted people to know me for me and not make judgments against me, like, how you see me on TV. Or in skin videos. With a mouth full of spooge. Which I refuse to swallow. Which is strange considering how much other stuff I've swallowed. Did I mention the Bear Claws?"

GEORGE W. BUSH? IN THE MIDDLE EAST? WHAT? DOING WHAT? WHO IS HE AGAIN?

"YES...YES...IT'S TERRIBLE AMERICANS ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT GAS PRICES BEING SO HIGH, ABDULLAH. SAY...TELL ME THAT PART AGAIN ABOUT WHERE OUR OIL FAMILIES GET RICHER THAN GOD..."

GODKNOWSWHERE (SkullGame) -- GEORGE W. BUSH left the Middle East after a five-day trip that was filled with speeches, support for Israel, hand holding and kissing A-rabs, and little sign of concrete progress toward anything else. Other than a pizza delivered, and yet another tile in the mosaic of the Apocalypse.

Bush capped his trip with a speech in Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt to a World Economic Forum conference that drew sporadic, stilted applause, contrasting sharply with the wildly enthusiastic support he received after handing off a billion dollar check to Israel's Knesset and a 60th anniversary celebration in Jerusalem last week.

Asked if anything of substance had occurred on the trip to Israel, Saudi Arabia and Egypt, Bush's national security adviser Stephen Hadley stressed the trip was meant to "make clear America's commitment to the Israeli people', and shit" and show the president's "continued support for 24-hour pizza delivery."

Hadley left open the possibility that Bush may return to the Middle East for a third time this year to work toward that goal. "I think the president will come back here when the pizza thing is worked out,'' Hadley told reporters accompanying Bush. The president is "committed to do what needs to be done to try and get a success here in the 24-hour pizza delivery arena.''