Private

Rating: THREE “McDonald’s in Paradise” BUSTED NUTS

Private Tropical rolls on. After 33 installments, it’s still pretty boring. At least it’s not sex on snow. We’d actually WANT to be fucking these hotties in balmy weather. Problem is, the fucking is rather on the sterile side.

Oh, sure, it’s no-holes-barred sex. But it’s a cookie-cutter, let’s-repeat-the-formula-for-the-millionth-time approach. At least the chicks are the ever-expected uber-hot Euros.

But therein lies the hilarity. You fly thousands of miles to island paradises to film pornos, just to fuck the chicks that you could have filmed back where you came from? What about hot Guadaloupiettes? None of those around? I’ll bet director Alessandro Del Mar won’t film on an island unless they have McDonald’s, either.

BOROKA BOLLS: AN EMISSARY TO FURTHER BRIDGE THE GAP TOWARDS TRANNY-LOVING ACCEPTANCE?

Hilarity on a lesser, albeit all-too-common, scale is that the girls you REALLY want to see assfucked are the ones who don’t get it. Like this chick BOROKA BOLLS. What a striking babe. Sometimes she has that look of a tranny that’s really pulled it off and would fool any dude until it was too late. Maybe her name should be Boroka Balls. Don’t worry, she’s a real chick, and she, and all her gorgeously tanned white compatriotesses look amazing in this movie.

But that’s the problem. It seems like half the flick concentrates on some bullshit story that has little if any apparent connection with the fucking of Euros bitches in non-Euro locales: progress the lame-ass story –> cut to fucking –> resume waste-of-time story. How about having six scenes of fucking under palm trees instead of five plus dialogue between people who aren’t fucking in the movie? That’s what we want, right? –- STEELY ROB

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