Private

Rating: FIVE “Porn as Fantasy as Genius” BUSTED NUTS

Even as a pre-teen, I knew “Star Trek: The Next Generation” was totally gay. I mean, seriously. They have this room that can make holograms so real that you actually, physically experience anything that you ask the room to create for you.

WITH A CLICK OF A BUTTON, YOU COULD EITHER GET SOMEONE LIKE ANGEL DARK TO FUCK YOU, OR YOU COULD HELP A STAND-UP COMIC LEARN HOW TO BE FUNNY AGAIN.

So, I dunno about you goons, but if I had such a wondrous device, I’d be setting it to be assfucking five oiled-up ANGEL DARKs or LIBELLULES in bodynets, like, every moment I got; and not, say, trying to solve a mystery as Sherlock Holmes with my dumbfuck ship’s engineer as Watson.

But hey, that’s just heterosexual me.

Not even... not even did the homosexual second in command on the goddamn show ever get walked in on riding two cocks up his ass. So even as fags, they’re failures. Jesus H. And people say it’s the best Star Trek ever. At least Captain Kirk got laid.

PRIVATE’s THE CLICK is like “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” but if it were made by actual men, the likes you’d encounter in the real world. Two such horn dogs get a remote control that makes any woman go wild for the nearest male, with Private’s Eurosex entertainment ensuing. Now, that’s porn, ladies and gentlemen. The height of fantasy that actually stimulates you as much as the super gorgeous babes with no clothes on.

Right. See? The clicker makes hot chicks want to fuck you. Not allow you to give your dog the power to take a dump on a toilet like a human being, which seems to be what tards in higher budget movies seem to be preoccupied with. Has the whole world lost its mind?

This movie is fucking genius. Outstanding scenario, knockout women, and all-hole fucking. Sure, the people in the movie still act like exemplary morons, but at least it’s in line with a movie about fucking. Durh. – STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW!