Private

Rating: TWO “Flags At Half Pole” BUSTED NUTS

It’s a cryin’ shame. A tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.

Private’s got a new movie. Like the majority of the once-indomitable porn house’s output since the turn of the century, X-GIRLS: THE LOST X-TEENS is more about flash than it is about fucking that will make you sit down and unzip your pants.

But that’s not the tragedy.

It’s LIBELLULE. She’s ruined. Dashed. Forever blighted.

Libellule was THE holy grail for lovers of Asian chicks in porn, and for those who believed that it wasn’t right unless they were getting ass fucked. And Libellule did that like a pro, did it every scene (dude! She’s in a MAX HARDCORE movie, for Christ sakes), and was Thai, which means she had the tightest, most lithe body. SU-CORE.

Life being cruel, all that shit’s fucked up now that the dumbass got a boob job. Her perfect symmetry is destroyed.

A SKULLGAME NATION MOURNS.

And the whole thing is like a cruel trick — she’s covering up her rack on the box cover, ready to deliver her little “surprise.” It’s like someone announcing they got you a genuine surprise gift, and it turns out to be used mattresses.

If there’s any shred of justice to be found, it’s that the idiot’s now going by the name PRIVA, which apparently is a big deal, as the movie’s box cover makes a point of mentioning that the flick features her.

I guess it’s kind of like a band that changes styles completely, and to be fair to their fans, they change names. Or is Priva the name of Libellule’s now stupid-looking knobs?

Whatever. This whole movie is retarded. I’m going to get my Euro copy of UNIVERSAL MAX #6 to get me nostalgic about the good ol’ days. –- STEELY ROB

Buy it NOW and cry!