Yo Vinnie,
I've cheated on my girlfriend. And she caught me. She's not only insisting on "working it out" by going to counseling, but she thinks the key to us working this out will be total transparency. Which seems to mean she wants my voicemail, email, cellphone passwords and thinks we should get and use only a common email. I could lie and agree to all of this and not do it but I resent being made a liar because I'm also a cheater. Is there a proper post-busted protocol? -- A.H. (by email)

IF...YOU...DARE!!!

Dear COUNT OF FUCKING MONTE CRISCO: You see? You see what happens? After a steady diet of OPRAH, PHIL DONAHUE and a million other day time sources backward and forward the women of America have finally lost their goddamned minds. Evidentiary consideration Number 1: no MAN could get away with any reasonable airing of arguments thuswise leveled at a cheating slut of a girlfriend. No way. Because in an America where a woman can shotgun her husband because he asked her to wear high-heeled shoes and watch some porn with him (true story) and get only three to six years, credited with time served and eligible for parole after three it is increasingly clear that the judiciary also agrees with day time TV and A) everyone's a victim and B) no man's ever a victim.

But the reality of it is: she will never forgive you. And you if you hand over your nutsack to this fucking gestapo you will never forgive yourself. Sure, sure there's gotta be some small adjusment period post-discovery but if she can't console herself with well-reasoned-seasoned arguments about how her interests would be better served letting bygones be bygones well fuck her then because all she's really waiting to do is STRIKE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

Add some insult to injury right about now: dump her ass and free her up to find a man who likes jailhouse sex while you find yourself someone with a slightly more forgiving disposition.