THIS tribute to LOADS & the ladies that love them is brought to you by PLANNED PARENTHOOD: 40 Years of Keeping Broads Banging...
REMEMBER: BABIES DON'T COME FROM THE BUTT!
DIPSOMANIAC LINDSAY LOHAN SORT OF KINDA TRYING TO DRINK ONLY THINGS WITH THE LETTER "T" IN THEM. "IT'SH A SHTART," SAYS A CLEARLY LOOPED LOHAN
"CLEAN & SOBER FOR 23 MINUTES," LINDSAY LOHAN IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO FELLATING THE FAT VALET & THE DUDE HOLDING THE HUSTLER FOR HER TO SIGN.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- LINDSAY LOHAN is trying to get her life under control by attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and insists she has not had a drink for seven days. Or minutes. Or something.
The star claims she wants to shift the focus from her lines of coke, technically not even drinking, right back to her, um, er..."film" "career."
She tells People magazine, "I've been going to AA, for a, erm, year? Um, yeah a year, by the way. It's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! And that's why I've just told the world!"
"Look I haven't had a drink in seven days. Unless you count semen which, on last check, was not against the law or nothing. I mean even if it comes from a Mexican bus boy. Or anything. I'm not even legal, so why would I? Drink alcohol, that is. Not semen. But I don't drink alcohol when I'm drinking semen at the clubs. I drink with my friends, the Mexican bus boys, at home, but there's no need to because I just feel better not drinking alcohol, not semen. I'm OK with semen. It's more fun. I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was too caught up. I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that. Say, did you see the guy in Massachusetts who shot and killed two people in a strip club at 2:30 in the morning? If you can't feel safe at 2 in the morning in a strip club where CAN you feel safe?"
"Like semen. And coke....and ..."[The transcript continued for 37 horrible more LAWRENCE TAYLOR minutes of rambling confusion before ending with]...LOADS."
AND because sluts travel in packs...
SLUT'S SOLICITORS SUGGEST SUING SKULLGAME FOR PICS OF SLUT IN QUESTION SUCKING COCK: BRITNEY SPEARS' SEX VID BACKSPLATTER: ALL COCO, NOTHING BUT NUT. PLUS: JUDGE ROY BEAN'S EXCLUSIVE WITH BRITNEY'S QUIM & HER NEARLY NON-LESBO LOVE WITH PARIS HILTON
AND because no top brand, such as the likes of SkullGame, is complete withOUT a line of prison-originated accessories, for this XMAS fucking season we introduce our newest t-shirt design [$15 ppd, vinnie@skullgame.com] for the loves of your life: because they deserve it.....
IT CERTAINLY IS.
SUCKJOB STAR SPEARS SPOUTS SCANDAL AND SOLILOQUY IN SPECIAL SKULLGAME SOJOURN—A JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORT.
“IT NEVER GETS NEW. IT JUST NEVER GETS NEW.”
NEW YORK (SkullGame) –Responding to allegations of shameless slutitude and wide-spanning whoredom levied after the ignition of what has been dubbed “a proverbial media firestorm”--causally linked to a late-night, legs-astride open-display of what a team of top zoologists at the University of Oklahoma first reported as being “a drooling monkey of unknown origin”--former pop-princess and DNA-dish BRITNEY SPEARS visited Casa De SkullGame offices late last week in hopes of laying rumors to rest and revisiting her long-since-lost virginal veil of virtue…to absolutely no avail.
"It's been so long since I've been out on the town with my friends,” the "star"-"singer" told SkullGame reporters in a candid tell-all replete with lack of eye contact and “wrap-it-up” non-verbal communicative gesturing bordering on physical violence. “Especially the kind of friends who you only surround yourself with in hopes of fucking their boyfriends and then flopping your titties all about in drunken roadside wrangles.”
“I didn’t really think I needed underwear for all that."
The mother of two young children/ashtray hybrids told SkullGame officials that she celebrated her 25th birthday last week by cracking a fresh carton of Kools and drinking a solid four fingers worth of Private Stock before unleashing her inner wild child, and outer child-shitter, in various above-ground pools throughout the greater L.A. area—acts she referred to as “a much needed release” since filing for divorce last month from former husband and mistaken Negro and near-heterosexual KEVIN FEDERLINE.
"I don’t see what the big deal is: It's also been 2 years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Before, when I was with Kevin, every birthday revolved around me trying to explain to him that he’s not black, and then trying to explain to my friends why I kept falling on doorknobs. ‘Girl, you gotta quit falling on those doorknobs,’ they would tell me. It was exhausting and embarrassing—more so than Kevin’s new album or the fact that I have the birthing habits of much lower mammals.”
“Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my newfound freedom a little too far. Anyway, thank God for Victoria's Secrets' new underwear line!”
“God, I look forward to a new me."
AND BRITNEY SPEARS' SKULLGAME COCK-IN-MOUTH PICS SET OFF FIRESTORM OF FUCKERY AS TEAMS OF FAG ATTORNEYS SHAKE THEIR COCKS AT US & MUMBLE SOME SHIT ABOUT RIGHTS, PRIVACY & THE INHERENT DIGNITY OF COCK SUCKING VIDEOS. SPECIFICALLY BRITNEY SPEARS'...
...SO, FIRST THE FAILURE OF YOUR MARRIAGE, THEN THE ACCIDENTAL DISCOVERY OF YOU WITH A MALE DANCER EX-HUSBAND'S POLE IN YOUR HOLE ON VIDEO. IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS DOES IT BRITNEY? WELL...WE DON'T THINK SO: A PHOTOSOCIOLOGICAL EXAMINATION
BRITNEY PANTOMIMES HER CAREER ARC. MINUS THE INEVITABLE COCONUTTY CONCLUSION
HER SOULFUL RENDITION OF "MMMGGLPH..." WOULD MAKE HER FAST FRIEND PARIS PROUD
BRITNEY'S LOW POINT: "WHEN MY LIPS GOT SEPARATED FROM THE COCK: A TRAGEDY IN 2 ACTS."
"ONE OF THE DARKEST DAYS OF NOT ONLY MY CAREER....BUT MY LIFE!"
BRITNEY STOOPS TO CONQUER
"OOPS...I DID IT AGAIN."
"US? US COCK-SUCKING ON VIDEO, NON-UNDERWEAR WEARING, LOOSE LIPPED, SLATTERNS? LESBOS? NAAAAAAAAHHHHHH...."
BRITNEY PHOTOGRAPHED WITH PARIS' POOCH, UNDERWEAR: "I WANTED TO PLAY WITH HER PUSSY, BUT I GUESS HER DOG'LL HAVE TO DO."
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- PARIS HILTON has slammed, again and again until she spent and wrung out, reports she has been sexually intimate with her "new" "pal" BRITNEY SPEARS, and insists they are just very happy friends. Very, very happy. Gay, even.
On December 2, a British newspaper ran pictures of Hilton kissing Venezuelan MTV star Eglantina Zing, on the ass, during a modeling job and claimed the heiress and Spears had dabbled in sexual activities of a labia lapping variety, during a November 19 sleepover in Las Vegas. Spears' ex-husband and car valet Jason Alexander, who was married to the pop star for 55 hours, recently suggested Spears was bisexual in an interview, explaining, "She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. But I was so busy parking cars back then, I mean who knows?"
Hilton's representative Elliot Mintz also slams, long and hard, reports his client was intimate with Spears, saying, "That is just silly. Hot, but silly."
Mintz adds, "They are friends, and you will continue to see them together doing friendly things like holding each other and watching Personal Best together. Paris thinks the world of her. Like some kind of crazy Tracy Chapman song."
