AND in our continuing series regarding what various members of the SkullGame dysfunctional family did during our summer break: HEINRICH BIMMLER, our resident neo-post-national socialist logs on with this.
"MY GENERAL FEELINGS VAS DAT DIS REPREZENTS DER FUEHRER GLOWSTICK DANZINGS WIT HANDSOMES YOUNG UND MANLY MEN WITH LEGS OF OAK UND ABS OF IRON," LOOKING SELF-SATISFYINGLY INTO THE NEAR DISTANCE, HEINRICH THEN STRAIGHTENS HIS INSEAM LIKE THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH WHAT THE FUCK HE JUST SAID.
GEORGE MICHAEL V. GEORGE CLOONEY: A STUDY IN HOMO-TRONIC TRICKERY
"HEY...I GUARANTEE YOU. IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOOOOOOT WORSE. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT ME SAYING THE AVE MARIA OVER SOME DUDE'S ASS RIGHT NOW."
Whilst examining the cases of GEORGE MICHAEL, the notorious, bathroom-lurking sausage-lunger who fell asleep behind the wheel of his automobile for the second time while being ripped out of his head on a heady cocktail of gay-inducing drugs and GEORGE CLOONEY, whose recent public admission of gay hand-holding to "fool" the "paparazzi," seems to not cover the same ground, an ad hoc SkullGame Committee of Gay Experts [COGE] beg to differ.
"Much like it took getting caught with a sausage rolled between his wet lips in a public toilet in Topanga Canyon to finally convince the rustics that the very Greek George Michael hated leaving his friend's behinds," says Gay Expert MIKE LA VELLA, "even in light of shit like Wham, Michaels' very extreme gayness, a cry for help, if you would, is much like getting busted on the same street, in the same steering wheel slumped posture with the same bouillabaisse of club chemicals coursing through your system: an attempt to hide in plain sight a much more serious homo-nected problem. That being: old age fatitude and his increasing resemblance to that old broad ELTON JOHN."
YEAH. EXACTLY.
"CLOONEY however, while being quoted as saying, 'I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, HALLE BERRY one night, SALMA HAYEK the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with LEONARDO DiCAPRIO [emphasis ours.] People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys were putting us on or not.'"
We know George. Believe we know. Here's a quick SkullGame quiz.
VINNIE: Hey, SAL? What are you gonna do this weekend?
ITALIAN SAL PACINO: Oh. I don't know. I thought I'd either bang this broad, watch TV, go out and get something to drink with this other chick, or SUCK A BIG FUCKING DICK.
You see what we mean? Clooney, he, himself, don't even know what he himself just said.
But Mike La Vella does.
"He likes it in the pooper."
Well, said pooper expert LaVella. Well, said.
REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN MARK FOLEY NOW CLAIMING PAPAL ASS ABUSE, THEN CHECKS INTO REHAB; NAUGHTY NAZI RATZINGER SAYS, "I DIDN'T KNOW NUTTIN' ABOUT NO JEWS," IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO ALSO CHECKING INTO REHAB.
NEVER DOES A MAN STAND SO TALL AS WHEN HE STOOPS TO HELP A CHILD. WITH HIS ZIPPER.
CORAL GABLES (SkullGame) -- Republican Congressman Mark Foley in a failing attempt to divert the public's attention away from his Jacksonesque attentions to the youth of America has recently claimed, in the pages of ALTAR BOY: THE MAGAZINE FOR THE WAYWARD PRIEST to being both an alcoholic and a victim of priestly poking THUS justifying his political poking of pre-teens where and when he found them.
Will NOTHING stop this intergenerational marauder?!?!?!!?
COGE associate TED OLIVIER notes, definitively, "No. Nothing. Nothing short of short sausage. No."
AND NOW FOR A HETERO BREAK....
CAMERON DIAZ: NAKED. THERE. YOU FEEL BETTER NOW? GOOD. BACK TO THE HOMOTRY!!!
THIS past MONDAY's edition of SkullGame was brought to you by our fine friends at Lilly Pharmaceuticals...
..."WHERE WE'VE BEEN JAMMING UP NEGROES FOR OVER 75 YEARS!"
AUDIOSLAVE'S TOM MORELLO EXPERIENCING SOME VERSION OF THAT IN LA COUNTY LOCK UP. AND SHIT.
TOM MORELLO'S SOLO PROJECT IS SAID TO BE LARGELY BASED ON HIS WHOLLY ENLIGHTENING EXPERIENCE OF LOWER CLASS SOLIDARITY IN COUNTY LOCK UP. EMPHASIS ON "LARGELY," "WHOLLY," AND "ASS SOLIDARITY".
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- "Rocker" and multimillionaire TOM MORELLO was arrested in Los Angeles Thursday night during a protest march to raise awareness for immigrant hotel workers' rights to bring him as many bottles of Cordon Bleu as he goddamned feels like drinking when he feels like drinking it. The Audioslave guitarist, who performed under his Nightwatchman alias at a rally before the march, was charged with unlawful assembly for refusing to move from Century Boulevard, the main entry road to Los Angeles International Airport, where he had just touched down from a recent trip to Monaco.
Four hundred other protesters were arrested at the 2,000-strong march, which Morello and other organizers called, having forgotten the LA riots of a few years ago, "The largest act of civil disobedience in the history of Los Angeles."
Morello and the other arrestees actually planned to be arrested and even gave the Los Angeles Police Department their driver's license numbers days before the event to speed up processing and their eventual sexual subjugation at the hands of "fans" of his music, and his ass, but mostly his ass, in County jail. Of which there seemed to be quite a few.
Speaking before the march, he told MTV, "In these political dark ages, it's important for us to stand up for one another. Or bend over, as the case may be.
"These hotel workers by the airport make 20 percent less wages bringing me Cristal than hotel workers around the rest of Los Angeles who might be bringing me Courvoisier. We're here to express our solidarity with them, to help them unionize and to help them close the gap between their sub-poverty wages and the millions and millions of dollars I make so that people like them can bring me the goddamned libations of my fucking choosing."
FUCKING IDIOT KIP HAWLEY RESPONDS TO CHARGES OF FUCKING IDIOCY; WISCONSIN MAN DETAINED FOR NOTING THE SQUAWK AND WALK OF THE DUCKS AFOOT THE ORWELLIAN POND AS BEING THAT OF FUCKING IDIOTS--JUDGE ROY BEAN REPORTS.
KIP HAWLEY, AT A PRESS CONFERENCE HELD SAT, SEPT 30TH, ADDRESSES PUBLIC CONCERN AS TO MISTREATMENT OF AIRLINE PASSENGERS BY TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION AGENTS BEFORE VOWING RETRIBUTION ON WHOEVER JUST STOLE HIS NOSE AND POSING THE EVER-PRESSING QUESTION: “FLAG ON THE MOON, HOW DID IT GET THERE?”
WASHINGTON D.C. (SkullGame)--A man who wrote "Kip Hawley is an Idiot" on a Ziploc toiletries bag whilst en route from MKE International Airport has claimed that he was detained by airport security agents after being deemed a threat to national security.
Ryan Bird, a 31 year old Wisconsin resident, stated that he scrawled the message as a political statement about heightened airport security measures that, until recently, have outright banned the transportation of all liquids, gels, and aerosol products by airline passengers.
"My level of frustration with the TSA and their idiotic policies has grown over 2 ½ years," Bird told Associate Press reporters shortly after the incident. "I'm frustrated that poorly trained TSA people can pull random passengers out of line, and pat them down like common criminals, cornholing you incessantly while calling you “cab nigra”, “dune coon”, “carpet pilot”, and various other misnomers not limited to but including “roach rancher”, “sand moolie”, and many others, when it’s quite clear that you are not of any hucka-lucka descent, even if your fingers do smell of your own ass, or even if you do say things about flying the plane your own damned self.”
“It’s an outrage,” Bird concluded. “The average traveler has no recourse.”
TSA Director Kip Hawley, when reached by SkullGame reporters over the weekend, formally stated that he “was not a gay” before producing two action figures from his “bubble bath” and staging a half-hour long battle betwixt them complete with sounds of action and various plosives resonating from his mouth.
“Panthor is my favorite”, Hawley offered when asked what possible security reforms were being planned to combat future issues of passenger rights violations. “Hordak will never, ever win.”
A TSA spokesperson acknowledged the incident, but said the man was detained due to his “combative nature” and suspected ties to He-Man arch-nemesis Dragstor.
"Everyone's entitled to their own opinion," the spokesperson said, “just as we are entitled to raping you with various digits before even spitting in it, anything to protect our beloved Castle Grayskull from you fucking ragheads.”
MADONNA HITS NEAR JEW LEVELS OF PERSONAL WEALTH; JEWS UNCONCERNED, SATAN DELIGHTED
MADONNA, SHOWN HERE, FOOLING ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.
LONDON (SkullGame) -- "Pop" "superstar" MADONNA has smashed singing rival BRITNEY SPEARS' record for both the highest annual earnings by a female singer and number of careers destroyed in her wake.
The Material Grandmother raked in an estimated $50 million in 2004 -- over $10 million more than Spears earned in 2000.
DAYS WHEN COMING TO WORK AT SKULLGAME FEELS LIKE WORK
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