THIS edition of SkullGame, a week overdue, is now being brought to you by our proud sponsors at Nintendo, Huffy's Hydroponics, and Frito Lays. As always we ask that you patronize our sponsors because they sure as shit patronize us.
"HEY!!! HEY!!! PERHAPS I SHOULD NOT HAVE PURCHASED A $4000 ROAD BICYCLE AFTER ALL!!!"
PAUL MCCARTNEY'S SOON-TO-BE-EX-WIFE A ONE-LEGGED PRO SUCK SIREN, JUST LIKE WE SAID WEEKS AGO. FOR THOSE OF YOUSE WHO THINK WE MAKE THIS SHIT UP: FUCK YOU!!!
"YOU SEE...IT WAS, A, UM, TRAINING VIDEO FOR, UM, 'NEWLYWEDS'," WHILE SPIN DOCTORING TAKES A TURN FOR THE SUPERNATURAL.
LONDON (SkullGame) -- Non-dead Beatle, singer and songwriter of all of those songs that show a really pathetically unschooled understanding of love amongst multimillionaires, SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY is furious with the media's treatment of his one-legged estranged whore of an ex-wife
HEATHER MILLS MCCARTNEY in light of her "former" "career" in "porn."
It was reported in Britain's The Sun this week that the animal rights, anti-mine, pro-no-pre-nup campaigner had posed in a 1988 German book Die Freuden Der Liebe (The Joys of Love), designed to teach "young" "couples" the finer points of sucking cock, one-legged sex positions, ass fucking and how to effectively deliver loads to the waiting chins of goldigging pollyannas.
But he insists his relationship with Mills, who was standing to get a good look at half of his $800 million estate, remains "very amicable," and claims the media backlash sparked by the revelations is simply "cruel and maybe, possibly, not likely to result in her even thinking about settling for $40 mil I offered her last week, which she had, back then, turned her slut nose up at."
He reportedly told a friend, "I can't believe the cruelty towards her. Heather has been and will continue to be an important, albeit inexpensive, part of my life. There's nothing in her past I don't know about. Nothing. Not the sucking. Not the fucking. Not even the gangbangs. The double teaming double penetrations? Well, OK, that I did not know about, but what's a sausage or two between friends."
The rocker's spokesperson confirms, "Paul and Heather 'are' 'still' 'speaking' and it's veeeeeery 'amicable'."
The couple split last month after four years of non-sucking, non-fucking, non-gangbanging marriage.
SKULLGAME'S RESIDENT NAZI HEINRICH BIMMLER PLAYER HATES ITALIAN SAL PACINO OUTTA POON, SELF-RESPECT. SAYS, "WHO VAS HE FOOLING, TRYING TO ACT WHITE?"
AN ARTIST'S DEPICTION OF BIMMLER'S TREATMENT OF THE UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED SKULLGAME MAN CODE
THE SKULLGAME MAN CODE
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless they are GAY.
2. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. Unless you're busy banging his old lady in which case, you must bail him out immediately after banging his old lady.
and the one most germane to this public hearing,
4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent). Interfering in said sharing of anecdote for the express purpose of cock-blocking a bro whilst and especially when you, yourself have guaranteed pussy, is anathema and an earmark of quasi-gayness.
5. No man is never required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. Even if you ARE gay.
NOW on to the stenographer sluts original deposition.
HEINRICH: I vas at ze Ruby Sky mit meine bitch "Chris". She ist very muscular und hast had her period for months now, so das ist the reason for ze anal sex, when ve spotted the Italian dwarf, ITALIAN SAL'S PACINO. He vas talking und laughing with ze flower of White womanhood...he's talking about Friends und lying about moving to ze Marina and acting Whiter zenn legitimately White aryans like myself. Vell, it vas too much. I stepped over and sufficiently prevented any sort of race traitoring occurring on meine vatch!!! He vas angry, but not nearly as angry as I was back in 1944 when ze Italian army knifed Germany in ze back.
ITALIAN SAL PACINO: Goddamn, that motherfucker. I'm sitting there with this slut dental hygienist. Making OK time. And then I see in the reflection of my glass the world's smallest horror movie: Heinrich skipping toward me. Next thing I know he's going on about "why do you act like you don't know me?" and did she know that "Italians are really Arabs, which are a variant of sand nigger." Now, all of that was essentially true, but that doesn't change the fact that I went from possibly getting pussy to definitely NOT getting pussy all as a direct result of his Aryan inter-fucking-vention. And insult to injury? He got laid. Albeit with the manbeast he calls a girlfriend. But laid, nonetheless. Me? Grimly masturbated in a sock. I rest my fucking case.
Our own JUDGE ROY BEAN will render a summary judgement on Weds.
PARIS HILTON ACCIDENT NOT INVOLVING COCKS, LOADS & HER CHIN, CAUGHT ON CAMERA
"UM...IT WAS AN, UM....ART PROJECT?!?" PARIS LEARNS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PROJECT & A PENIS. THE HARD WAY.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Socialite and Suckalot PARIS HILTON is in trouble with the law after hitting a parked car in Los Angeles and speeding off without leaving a note. Unfortunately for The Simple Life star, the footage was caught on video by a quick-thinking video cameraman. Leaving the scene of an accident without at least leaving contact details, whether or not you have a cock in your mouth, is a violation of California law.
Hilton's accident took place Thursday on trendy Robertson Boulevard, where LINDSAY LOHAN trashed her Mercedes last October, according to our friends at TMZ.com, who have obtained the video footage.
To make matters worse for Hilton, the video footage also captures her reversing her Range Rover out of a parking spot without her seat belt, immediately post-fellating a miscellaneous Mexican busboy -- another violation of California law.
The hotel heiress is caught on camera bumping into a parked Honda Civic as Ramon Gonzalez bumps her uvula with his mudstick right before she makes her getaway -- and refuses to stop to leave a note. Such a misdemeanor offense can be punishable by a six-month jail sentence under California law.
The accident is the latest car-related incident for Hilton -- last November, she was caught on camera again when her then-boyfriend Stavros Niarchos crashed the socialite's Bentley into a parked truck in Las Vegas, Nev.
According to TMZ.com, Hilton has been cited six times for various traffic violations, all involving sausage, since the beginning of 2006.
A DRUNKEN BUTCHER BOB SENDS IN A DRUNKEN BUTCHER BOB GUIDE TO DRINKING. UNTIL YOU'RE DRUNK.
"YES...YOU ARE A FAGGOT...YES, YOU ARE...YES, YOU ARE...MY LITTLE FAGGY WAGGY...." A VERBATIM TRANSCRIPT FROM THE ATTENDING POLICEMAN'S INCIDENT REPORT.
Here at SkullGame, we write about what we know.
Of course...we all know about porn. That's why you come here, to get the UNDILUTED truth (or, the truth as we deem it). VINNIE and SAL...well...they know fighting. In fact, they've probably forgotten more about fighting than you'll ever know. LT. TODD ATKINS, he knows how to be a hardnosed son of a bitch. If you don't believe me, go ahead and ask him. I'll hold your glasses.
Yeah, and I know you're all thinking 'Sure Bob, we know this...but what do YOU know? Apart from being a sarcastic, condescending bastard, that is?' Well listen up pongos...I butchering and I KNOW DRINKING. I can hear it now...'Bob, I can drink, too." Sure you can...and you could probably describe tranny porn...but NOT with the depth and breadth of knowledge and goddamned panache that THE FLYING DUTCHMAN does.
You see what I'm trying to say?
You drink...but you drink POORLY. I've seen it. Bellying up to the bar, ordering bar pour drinks...or worse yet...drinks with cute fucking names. Think about it...do you REALLY want to be the guy that drinks Liquid Viagra? Or an appletini? Or the bane of the drinking man's existence...the goddamned daiquiri?
Of course you don't.
You all want to better yourselves, that's why you're here. In a very small way, that's why we're here as well. To better you. As long as bettering you involves mockery, beatings, and pilfering your funds. But more, much more than that, you need to drink MY way. Why? Because I just fucking SAID so. Jesus Christ. I thought you'd know better by now. Every time you order one of these atrocities against imbibing, it's an insult to me. Why? Put down the Zima and I'll tell you, you pricks.
Look, every time a drink like that is consumed by someone without a cunt, it takes a little bit of our manhood away. That's right, I'm talking universal conciousness. And you little fuckers thought you had ME figured out. Right. Alright, let's get to work. Today I'm going to start you off easy...so turn those fucking trucker-caps around the right way and siddown.
WHY do we drink?
I've heard all the answers. "I'm covering up inner pain," "My girlfriend left me for a midget," "I had a terrible childhood," "I can't calm my shaking hands without gin in a plastic bottle." You know what? Those are all the wrong reasons to drink. Every. Fucking. One. Grab your crayons...get ready to write this down. These are MY reasons to drink, and if you want to drink well, they will become YOUR reasons as well. Not at first...you don't have the stones for it yet, sport. But with practice, patience, and a healthy dose of 'not-give-a-fuck-itude,' and of course, a good major medical plan.
But I drink for the same reasons I lie: It's fun, and I'm good at it.
Pretty simple, eh? Maybe not so. Look at it...say it aloud. I don't drink to hide anything, or cover anything with a warm dipsomaniacal haze...I drink to AMPLIFY. I drink to climb atop this heap of humanity and piss ALL over it. Top shelf rocket-fueled metaphorical piss. Top fucking shelf.
Alright, that's enough for you to absorb at once. In the following weeks we'll examine each of the 4 remaining journalistic W's. I expect each class to have less and less of you. It's NOT for everyone. The Few. The Proud. The Drunken. Don't think: Drink.
SO YOU WANNA BE A PORN STAR?
THAT AIN'T WORKING, THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT, MUMBLING THE MUGGLE ON THE SKULLGAME TV.
FEMALES 18-70 shooting 24 Hours a Day
Reply to: casting@skullgame.com
Date: Right Fucking Now
Yes, we're looking for "new" female "talent" for "adult" video "work". Audition scenes will be boy-girl hardcore with penetration (condoms used on penetration only).
If you are looking to break into this industry this is a great place to start. We shoot for 10 different adult video series. All audition scenes pay between $150-$200. If you are looking to have fun and build a future in this business or a regular monthly income from a few scenes this is a great place to start.
As our relationship develops the opportunity to make more $$$ goes up. Once you are established you can make from $400-1200 per scene.
We are currently scheduling shoots that will be videotaped by a crew of 1.
You must have 2 ID's one photo and sign a model release.
Please email the following
1. Name Age and Measurments
2. JPEG photo (if available)
3. Contact Phone #
4. Immediate Shooting availability
5. Why this interests you and your goals
REMEMBER....Before they were SUPERSTARS, they were all SUPERWHORES!!!
