PRESCRIPTION: DISASTER
As the ass end of the year rears its tail for a final poke and you peruse the great wealth of opportunity that has (will) presented (present) itself in YOUR little version of MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME in YOUR little corner of hell, we thought we’d underscore a safe and sane way of celebrating the god with two faces, Janus: With lots and lots and lots of fucking pussy.
And drugs.
DEFINITELY DRUGS
But first: the NEWS.
KNOB QUEEN JENNIFER CONNELLY A MOTHER. FUCKER.
HOLLYWOOD (SkullGame) -- Oscar-winning actress most known for simulating double dildo fuckage JENNIFER CONNELLY is having second thoughts about her newborn son Stellan's name -- because the man she named him after asked to be breastfed in payment. That is: fucking juggling those goddamned monster mams in his mouth like so-many honeydew melons, hence fulfilling the collective desires of tit-tempted men everywhere.
Connelly and her husband, "A Beautiful Mind" co-star Paul Bettany, named their new offspring after Bettany's pal, actor Stellan Skarsgard. But after hearing Skarsgard's jokey comments about her soon-to-be-wasted from breastfeeding breasts, Connelly admits she's now wondering if she did the right thing.
YEAH. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, BABY. TWICE.
Connelly says, "Evidently, when Paul called Stellan to tell him that we had named our child after him, he said, 'Wonderful, does this mean I can suck your wife’s fucking tits while jerking my cock like jerking was going out of fucking style? And then, weather permitting, drop my man-mellow coconut oil on her forthrightly proffered protuberances?'”
"I just don't believe it. And I just don’t think it’s funny,” concluded the visibly perturbed sour puss who, it should be noted, never answered the wily Swede’s question.
Well we have news for you sister: he wasn’t fucking joking.
And neither are we when we say that we are glad to announce that you have made
SKULLGAME’S 2004 LIST OF BITCHES WE WILL BANG, HAVE BANGED, WILL BANG AGAIN, OR BANGGITY BANG BANG BANGED IN NO GODDAMNED PARTICULAR ORDER
OLIVIA: Pounding her is like pounding something that exists only to be pounded. Again and again and again. It makes us weep to think of it. Just fucking weep. Like a small child. Needing to suckle.
YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE? WELL IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THAT
WINONA RYDER: She steals. She’s an ex-con. She’s a rock slut. Case fucking closed.
TRACI LORDS: Man. She turned snitch, fucked some asses hard circa the mid to late 80s. Made bad techno record after bad techno record. But GODDAMN it we know this dude who banged both her and MADONNA and he said that Traci blew the fucking doors off the Material Grandma. So yeah, she’s ours. Stone. Cold. Fucking. Lock.
STILL TASTY ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR BALLS ACHE. LIKE THEY WERE KICKED. REALLY, REALLY HARD.
TIGER WOODS’ BITCH:
RUBBING IN SOME TIGER BALM. FOR ITS WONDERFUL HEALING POWERS
Let’s look at the evidence as constituted by the following photos of said bitch.
Uh hunh.
Now let’s consider: slapping cock across the great expanse of her Scandinavian brow whilst thinking of Stendahl, semen, and Swedish meatballs. Flash forward to 2010 when Tiger’s spending late nights out with Michael Jordan, fucking tour trash, and tossing sadly alcoholic wife to the careful and exuberant ministrations of his gardening staff.
Yeah.
We can see it all now.
AND THE MOST AMAZING THING ABOUT THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING IS THAT SHE WAS ORIGINALLY AN AU PAIR GIRL FOR ONE OF HIS GOLF PALS. THINK ABOUT THAT. THINK ABOUT THE GUY WHOSE STONES ARE LARGE ENOUGH THAT HE'D PARADE THIS BITCH IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE AND SAY WITH A STRAIGHT FACE "HONEY. OUR CHILD NEEDS A GOVERNESS, AND I THINK I FOUND THE PERFECT ONE!"
GISELE BUNDCHEN: Sure, even though, she’s set to marry Hollywood homo LEONARDO DICAPRIO we’re quite sure she will have a sudden and disturbing hankering for Italian sausage. Oh, say around March.
YEAH. WE SEE HER AND DI CAPRIO GROWING OLD TOGETHER.
ANGEL: She’s been chasing us for like a year now. Used to work at the MOONLIGHT BUNNYRANCH. Seems like a hard ride. Talks a lot about marriage. As soon as we get an exit strategy that works, we’re in there like fucking white on rice.
WHEN WE TOOK THIS PHOTO WE WERE, AT HER URGING, GETTING ALL MAPPLETHORPE AND SHIT. AT OUR URGING SHE WILL BE GETTING GOOSED.
AIDA YESPICA: DJ CRAIG DAVID just dumped her because she was boring. And here we always thought techno was fucking gay as all get out, just to find out that it’s stupid too. We’re here, baby. We’re here.
WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY, BABY? YOU LOVE STAMP COLLECTING? WOW! ME TOO!!!!
BROOKE BURKE: For one reason and one reason only: to say we had.
MAN. KICKING HER OUT MERE MOMENTS AFTER WE BUST OUR FUCKING NUT IS GOING TO BE JUST THE GREATEST, ISN'T IT?
THORA BIRCH:
MOM...IS THAT YOU?!?!
Our first annual winner of the Fruit Not Falling Far From the Goddamned Tree award goes to THORA, whose mom…
CAROL CONNORS: Fucked like a chainsaw. In DEEP THROAT no less.
WE HAVE, IT'S BEEN NOTED, DROPPED 397 LOADS TO THIS SCENE
KIRSTEN DUNST: We love those post-modern broads, bitches who look like they speak German, read Spengler and suck paste like sucking was a sacrament.
DEIN BUSEN IST VOLLGEIL!!!!
NANCY: We double-teamed one of these broads. And if our 2004 is working right, we will again. Guess which one.
CALLING DR. HOWARD, DR. FINE, DR. HOWARD!!!
FAT BITCHES: Hey man. As long as you keep your stats to like 75% hot bitches, 25% fat bitches you’re fine. Cross over into 26% Fat Bitchery and you become
“THE DUDE WHO FUCKS FAT BROADS.”
Don’t fucking let this happen to you.
DO WE EAT PUSSY?!?! NOT TODAY, BABY. NOT TODAY.
GINGER: While listening to a fucking record by FOGHAT...
...AND SMOKING A FATTY.
BITCHES THAT WE SUSPECT ARE MEN BUT MIGHT JUST BE WORTH THE GAMBLE
BILLI
WE...WE...JUST DON'T KNOW. DAMMIT, MAN. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW HOW TO PLAY THE CRYING GAME!
CELIA
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING? SAUSAGE?
DEB
BED, BATH & BEYOND THE NEED FOR ANY FUCKING FURNITURE AT ALL. EXCEPT FOR THIS ASS PAD. THAT I NEED.
