ALL THE SHIT THAT’S FIT TO HIT: LA’S ANTI-BONING BRIGADIERS, KOBE BRYANT’S BULLY BOYS & BOOBS THAT KILL
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Harkening back to adulterer and professional prick Rudy Giuliani’s transformation of New York’s famed 42nd Street red light district into Disneyland Lite, Los Angeles city council, in a Puritanical burst of anti-boning totalitarianism, has approved a citywide ban on lap dancing, destroying a City of Angels growth industry by stripping the last shred of significance from the lives of innumerable aspiring “professional models” and “actresses” whose feeble hopes of “maybe getting into movies someday” are now to be dashed on the rocks of their expected move into out and out “ho’ing.”
"WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT"
While supporters of the law argue that strip clubs contribute to prostitution, drug use and violence, prostitutes, drug users and violence prone habitués of said establishments were unmoved by council arguments.
“I, myself, like to relax with prostitutes, drugs and a little violence,” said “Charles Sheen” [not his real name]. “But this law will swell the ranks of ho’s lowering the total ho quality with girls who will inevitably start crying in the midst of blowing me while begging me to find them an agent. This situation cannot stand.”
"SHEEN" PROTESTING IN THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW: VIGOROUSLY
The laughable "no-touch" rule would require dancers to remain at least six feet from customers -- even when dancers are tipped. The council also voted Tuesday to outlaw "VIP rooms," where nude dancers perform privately and suck a whole lot of paste.
The ordinance now goes to Mayor James Hahn for his signature and could go into effect as early as next month. Hahn has said he will sign the bill as “my wife is really busting my balls, big time, over this whole fucking thing.”
Here’s hoping Los Angeles can help their mayor find his stones before the mass Ho Exodus leaves their fair city bereft of hopeless, worthless actresses who are mistakenly willing to take their clothes off in a rash of wonderfully non-linear thinking because it will help their “acting” careers.
EXPERTS AGREE: FUCKING BIG TITS WILL KILL YOU
Increased Suicide Risk Shown Among Women Who Get Breast Implants
PHILADELPHIA (SkullGame) -- A second study in only seven months that shows that women who get “big, giant titty” breast implants commit suicide three times more often than women who don't get “amazingly honking hooters” has at least one expert cautioning that the findings could be misleading and that until he gets his hands on more evidence, he’s just going to have to continue with his study, despite his wife’s misplaced concern that this whole “study” thing is just an excuse to handle “really fucking juicy melons.”
NOT LISTENING TO A WORD YOU'RE SAYING
These studies, done in Europe, with massive government funding and involving nearly a 6000 strong bleary bevy of balloon-boobed broads, a few dozen magnums of champagne, and unlisted line items for “medical supplies,” follows a 2001 report on American women suggesting that those who get breast implants for augmentation face a nine-fold increased risk of suicide when not called back like promised by wealthy researchers and doctors who “already got theirs,” especially when compared to women who don't get the “procedure,” and that they commit suicide four times more often than those who have had other types of non-hot bitch plastic surgery.
GOD. YOU ARE JUST FASCINATING? DO YOU KNOW THAT?!?
"All three studies suggest the increased need for surgeons who are doing these procedures to conduct thorough pre-operative psychological, and well, frankly, sexual screening of patients," says David B. Sarwer, PhD, an assistant professor of the borderline bullshit psychology in psychiatry and surgery at the Center for Human Appearances at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. "But very few are doing that,” choosing instead to “conduct continued poolside studies in psychiatry, champagne consumption and the sex appeal of the $100 bill.”
"To be honest, I don't think we know the exact reason why these aspiring actresses and professional models have a higher rate of suicide, but it's very possible that a small minority who come in for breast augmentation are trying to solve significant psychological problems connected to mini-titty-itis," Sarwer opined.
SCIENTIST SVEN NAUCKHOFF HARD AT WORK
"I think some women come in with the totally realistic expectations that this surgery will make them more popular, get them the promotion they haven't gotten, or save a failing marriage. And when it does exactly that and MORE, well, the urge to throw themselves off a cliff or onto the expectantly waiting cock of the nearest assistant professor can be damned near overpowering.”
Peter B. Fodor, MD, a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles and president-elect of the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, says the new Finnish study still doesn't offer any indication that getting breast implants increases a woman's risk of suicide. In March, his association issued a press release criticizing the Swedish study.
"We don't think this or the March study were well-done, and we are in the process of designing one that will be credible and statistically significant," he laughed while losing count of the huge pile of paper money stacked elbow-high on his desk. "Where was I? Oh yeah, a million and one. A million and two. A million and three….And anyway if we wanted anymore shit out of the Swedes we’d squeeze their heads.”
SWISS MAN HELD IN ALLEGED SOLICITATION TO MURDER BRYANT ACCUSER
DURING THE DAY: SEEMINGLY HARMLESS SWISS YODELERS
MONTEREY PARK, Calif. (SkullGame) -- A Swiss man and professional yodeler was arrested Thursday for investigation of soliciting the murder of the Colorado woman who has accused Los Angeles Lakers star sodomite Kobe Bryant of sexual assault.
AT NIGHT: DEADLY SWISS ARMY KNIFE ASSASINS
Patrick Graber, 31, was arrested after making the offer to Bryant's security director and then meeting with undercover detectives and agreeing to carry out the murder for $1 million up front and $2 million after the fact, Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca told a press conference at his headquarters.
Lead counsel IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ said in a recent press conference, “whoa, whoa, whoa…we have NO idea where Pat, I mean Mr. Graber, got the idea that we wanted that fucking bitch offed.”
PRO TEM ATTORNEY-AT-LAW IRON MICHAEL TYSONWITZ, "KOBE AIN'T NO KILLER. SODOMITE? YES! KILLER? NOOOOO...."
Graber, who lives in the Los Angeles suburb of El Segundo, was identified as a shadowy loner, yodeler, and Swiss national with an expired travel visa. Sheriff's officials described him as a well-built bodybuilding coach not in anyway affiliated with Austrian gubernatorial candidate ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER.
Graber allegedly told authorities however that he was involved in organized crime, possibly the Russian mafia. Sheriff's detectives said they do not have any evidence that Graber has the slightest fucking idea what he’s talking about, but are investigating anyway as it’s either that or going back to hassling Mexicans at the Circle K convenience store chain.
I AM GUILTY OF NOTHING BUT LOVING, NOT POORLY, BUT UNWISELY. AND IN THE ASS.
