Says the now-bankrupt Tyson: “Let me tell ya about white chicks….”

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Former boxing champ, ass kicker and pro dom Mike Tyson, who served three years in prison on a totally “misunderstood motherfucking bullshit” rape conviction, says he empathizes with basketball star and professional sodomite Kobe Bryant and the sexual assault charges faced by the Los Angeles Lakers guard.

"I've been in an ordeal like him, and I know how easy it is for a young man to be a big timin’ big shot boning bitches all over the place. I mean in the elevators, cabs, classrooms, Red Lobster. Yeah, a big motherfucking star in America's eyes and then you fuck THAT bitch. Like the last cookie in the fucking cookie jar and THAT’S the one that makes you sick. Shit. So now he’s going to be in another arena where he's nobody and that shit can be hard to deal with and that means the judicial arena. Hard to deal with ESPECIALLY when you’re used to the finer things in life like heterosexual ass fucking," Tyson, 37, said in an interview that aired yesterday on the syndicated TV show "Access Hollywood."

"SHE'S KIND OF CRUSTY FOR MY TASTES," SAYS AN UNREPENTENT KOBE BRYANT OF JOYCE CAROL OATES. "BUT I'D STILL DO HER."

Bryant, 24, has been charged with class 3 sexual assault, the equivalent of rape under Colorado law, stemming from allegations made by a 19-year-old Colorado skag who worked as a concierge at a resort where he was staying in June. The athlete has denied he raped the woman, insisting their encounter was consensual and that his only wrongdoing was adultery with a white woman.

He is due back in court Oct. 9 for a preliminary hearing that will determine whether he must stand trial. If convicted, he could face a sentence of four years to life in prison.

"Can you believe that shit?!?!" said a visibly chagrined KOBE BRYANT. "Fuck one white woman in the ass and everybody suddenly wants yours. Thank god I have Mike counseling me through this. Be like Mike? Goddamned right. I mean all except for the jail time."

BRIDGETTE KERKOVE: MAN, OH MAN

Well now you got us started. First it was HOUSTON and then it was NINA DOLCI and now the idle chatter continues as we ask: DUDE or NOT?

YOU be the fucking judge. All we know is we have our suspicions.

A TRANNY'S FANNY? GOD ONLY KNOWS

HABIB HUSSEIN'S FUN with FUCKING PERVS

NO. THE DOG STAYS. YOU GO!

Ok so yesterday I was bored as fuck and decided to venture onto IRC which I haven’t done in YEARS. Well my nickname on IRC is KittyPorn, and whenever I log onto a room motherfuckers just ASSUME I’m a chick. So I go to the good ol’ dog sex bit and as usual I get like 4-8 PMs poppin’ up in my PM bar.

The first one (whose name is DogLuvr) has some moral issues with my nickname, like I’m insinuating child porn. This from the guy that FUCKS dogs. Trying to explain to him that I like fucking cats isn’t very effective. ANYWAY, this other dude PMs me, ASSUMING I’m a girl. Of course I am going to go along with this and do, only to find out he lives a whole 5 miles from me.

This motherfucker doesn’t know what he got himself into. Long story short (and multiple emails from this dude explaining all his lame fantasies to me) I make this fuck meet me at the local white trash bar. I make myself easy to point out as I tell him I’m asian, which is funny because there ain’t never no asian bitches kickin’ it in this place.

Now here’s a reply to an email he sent me after he went there, waited, walked through the parking lot, waited some more, then left. Of course I was there by myself laughing the whole time.

BEFORE
HIM: Will I be able to eat you in your car, or should we think of another place?

ME: Of course you will. But actually I would like to walk in and see you by the bar, me arriving a little later than you because I’m getting pretty.

HIM: You aren’t scared are ya?

ME: The fact that there are people about is half the fun.

AFTER

HIM: You were afraid? I understand. Let me know what happened. :-)

ME: HAHAHHAH YOUR DUMBASS SHOWED UP! Dude, seriously, how naive can you fucking be. You just got played by a GUY! Just
a little lesson: NEVER try to meet bitches over the internet! Now I know WHY you fuck dogs.

But, you know, we almost felt bad about it at the time, and wanted to come up to you and explain the whole situation but we felt so bad for you that we didn’t want to have to beat your ass after you got all pissy about it.

But you know who we DO feel sorry for? Your dogs. And if we weren’t totally shitfaced we would have gotten your license plate # and called the SPCA on your ass. Not that we have anything MORALLY against you for fucking dogs, I mean whatever tickles your pickle I guess but we are pretty sure the DOG(s) aren’t consenting. After all they can’t look at you and say 'yeah dude fuck me in the ass.' Unless you know how to speak dog, which is unlikely because you aren’t Dr. fucking Doolitle.

But let this be a lesson, oh and if any of us ever see your ass, and you are wondering why there are a bunch of derelict kids pointing and laughing at you, THATS US! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!