Swank Digital

Rating: TWO "Dziwka" BUSTED NUTS

I have never seriously entertained video dating, nor purchasing a mail-order bride from some Eastern bloc shithole to come poison me in my sleep and move her six grandmothers and their 12 goats into my house--so imagine my surprise when I found one of their volgagirl brochures in my mailbox.

I popped this in because I still had a semblance of a soft spot for the prospect of barszcz-filled bowls, and a bit of a fantasy consisting of Chernobyl-enchanced super vaginas occupying a darker corner of my mind--but it didn’t take long for me to wonder aloud “why the fuck would I, should I, care about this?”

Herein we have 10 European chicks “practicing feminism” to the backdrop of Miami Vice soundtrack outtakes; and by practicing feminism I don’t mean bumping beavers until they look like they sat on badgers, but more “inviting nobody else to the party” and sitting around, popping antidepressants and washing them down with dirty martinis, buzzing themselves with Mary Daly’s witch wand whilst most likely watching Erin Brockovich and figuring out ways trick you into a running car in a locked garage.

AND HERE WE HAVE ALICJA, WHO WASN’T ACTUALLY IN THIS MOVIE BUT WHO, NONETHELESS, WILL ONLY BE TOO HAPPY TO NEGLECT THE PIEROGIES AND FLICK HER BEAN WHILE YOU AIN’T HOME BUT YOUR NEIGHBOR IS.

But maybe that’s what you are into: Sadistically otherwise prudish twats rubbing one out for free while costing you a whole bunch of money. Something, however, is telling me that this is a fucking trap and that if I were to dare dive into this I’d either

a.) be eaten like a mantis or

b.) forced into some serious Hostel-kinds-of-shit.

And I’m not trying to fuck with all that. — JUDGE ROY BEAN

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