Private

Rating: ONE & A HALF "Dork From Ork" BUSTED NUTS

Director ANTONIO ADAMO must be from Ork. You know, where Mork is from: the planet where people get younger as they get older. Nothing else can explain that after years of making feature “films” for Private, his craft is getting worse.

For years, Adamo’s schtick was to shoot a sex scene with a ton of focused light and a camera fixed on wheels on a short section of the rails from an Indiana Jones movie. Then periodic highlights of the fucking would be shown in blue and white – his way of cutting to the next part in the scene. Oh, and all the actors stand around looking like homosexuals posing for the magazine Vogue.

Stale, yes. But for what it was, it worked.

KATY CARO...ABOUT TO BURST INTO FUCKING TEARS WHAT ON ACCOUNT OF BEING CAST IN A MOVIE THAT IT NEVER SEEMS WILL EVER, EVER, EVER END.

Examine the following: a lengthy, animated clip of some sort of espionage-related chase featuring thin, stylized characters toward the beginning of the movie that seems entirely disjointed with the rest, like one of those ads for e-surance in which the hot, stylized woman is being chased by goons, runs into a car dealership, and chop-chop gets the insurance she needs to take a car off into the sunset in a flash.

‘Cept it’s all put together like a high-school project with hot babes getting fucked.

We were so bored with the voice overs, we watched the film in Italian. At least it would give us good listening practice. But even in English, the story is un-followable. Is KATY CARO supposed to be a spy? She seems more like the object of everyone else in the movie’s paranoia. She probably just works the makeup counter at Macy’s.

The biggest issue that plagues porn movies with plots gone wrong: too much time wasted on a shot where there’s fucking to be done. Here, it’s about a guy swimming out to a waterfall to fill his water pouch. Cue the gorgeous wilderness. The guy swimming the WHOLE FUCKING WAY and BACK. It takes forever. He then swims back and fucks his girlfriend, which takes about half as long as what happens before. The swimming and the pouch seem to have something to do with the plot, but since we don’t know what that is...

The one good moment in the movie: the opening scene, where a stripper walks into the dressing room to find a guy getting blown by another stripper, and the look of lust mixed with panic on her face. Cut back to the first stripper, who’s also shocked but turned on.

The downside? Both get naked, but only one gets fucked.

From Ork, I tell you. – STEELY ROB

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