BUT first this first edition of the HATERADE, a telethon for the perpetually disgruntled as they discuss...
REPORTER JILL CARROLL: BETTER DEAD OR ALIVE?
USING HER SPECIAL "CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY," TWO TRIANGLES & A CIRCLE, JILL CARROLL JUMPS TO LEVEL 2: MILLION DOLLAR BOOK DEAL & MULTIPLE OPRAH APPEARANCES
VINNIE ROSE
I say, DEAD. She lives through this and we gotta hear from her every time someone in Iraq farts for the next 45 fucking years. Whereas if she dies, well maybe it'll discourage young broads everywhere from taking the pussy away to wheres we can't get ahold of it.
SAL PACINO
Oh DEAD. Definitely. Because I happen to know for a fucking FACT that she ain't bought nothing from SkullGame in just about, um, forever. This is tantamount to an open declaration of war and this too will not stand!
STEELY ROB
Yes. Um. Well, you see. I'm really not so, um, strong on the whole soap opera thing. So I'm going to have to pass on this one.
JUDGE ROY BEAN
Not only do I say DEAD, but I say that we taunt her mercilessly before she dies. What the fuck was she doing in Headchopistan anyway? Oh, that's right: NOT fucking me. Jesus. Look, at least she's BEEN to Iraq. I ain't been NOWHERE.
MR. XTRA
Oh. I don't want her to die. No. Noooo...look at that gently tousled hair. Those bedroom eyes. That wonderfully cockeyed grin. If she lives I'm sure she and I would have a wonderful time together: talking about the Hamptons, what to do with the money from the book, TV and films deals, and whether or not I like my fellatio better laying down. Or standing up. It'll be great.
TUNE IN WEDNESDAY FOR THE FINALLY IRAQI TALLY ON REPORTER JILL CARROLL: BETTER DEAD OR ALIVE?
COCKSUCKING TRANNY, IN A WEIRD REVERSAL OF FORTUNE, GOES BACK TO CLEANING THE STREETS OF SCUM, AFTER HIS ARREST, THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW...
TWO QUEENS, $20, AND A HOLLYWOOD HUMMER. NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Director LEE TAMAHORI must clean the streets of Hollywood as part of his probation deal for criminal trespass charges. The 55-year-old pleaded no contest after he was arrested in Los Angeles last month for approaching an undercover cop and offering to perform a sex act for money, while dressed as a woman.
As punishment, the New Zealander was placed on probation for three years, ordered to attend an AIDS education course and given 15 hours community service, taking part in a program to help clean up Hollywood. One suckjob at a time. Frank Matelijan, a spokesman for the Los Angeles City Attorney's office, says, "It is a project where convicts clean the streets in Hollywood and paint out graffiti. Or suck loads. Copious amounts."
Tamahori's lawyer Mark Geragos says, "He's pleased with the outcome, and he's back at work."
In-fucking-dubitably.
HAVING LEARNED EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT CLOSETED HOMOSEXUALITY, KATIE HOLMES LEAVES COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY
THE "HAPPY" "COUPLE" "ENJOYING" A "PRIVATE" "MOMENT" IN THE MIDDLE OF CENTRAL PARK. WHERE, UM, IT'S VERY "PRIVATE".
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Mom-to-be KATIE HOLMES has given up on her education eight years after she was accepted by prestigious Columbia University.
Proof positive of that is the fact that she's betrothed to TOM "I'm Not Gay" CRUISE and was forced to defer her further education at Columbia back in 1998 when she landed a role in the hit TV show Dawson's Creek.
Holmes has been deferring her admission annually ever since, but last week her father called the college withdrawing his daughter's name, according to entertainment news Web site www.gayasthedayislong.com.
CHARLIZE THEORN TRIES TO PUT THE WHOLE GAY STEPHAN JENKINS THING BEHIND HER WITH SEXY NEW AD CAMPAIGN
WONDER WHAT THAT MAN MEAT MAVEN JENKINS EVER SAW IN HER.
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Oscar nominee CHARLIZE THERON is set to raise temperatures in a provocative new TV ad for Dior's J'Adore perfume -- by taking off her clothes.
Whatever.
ELLEN BARKIN LOOKING FORWARD TO LIVING LIFE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, LIKE DONALD TRUMP, OR SOMETHING, AFTER GETTING $20 MIL IN DIVORCE FROM BILLIONAIRE WILY JEW
"I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO, YOU KNOW, HAVING MY OWN STAFF OF 20, UM, COOK ME AN EGG. YOU KNOW. LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE." THE CROSS-FAITH COUPLE IN HAPPIER TIMES.
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- Actress ELLEN BARKIN reportedly received $20 million in her quickie divorce from billionaire Ron Perelman. The Revlon boss, 62, and Barkin, 51, reportedly ended their marriage on February 14, only a month after Perelman served Barkin divorce papers, according to the New York Daily News.
Barkin and Perelman signed a pre-nuptial agreement before their June 2000 wedding. The newspaper claims Perelman has lost $118 million in settlements with his first three wives, Faith Golding, Claudia Cohen and Patricia Duff.
