Caballero

Rating: FIVE "This One's For The Lunatics That Ain't Here" BUSTED NUTS

Oh man. My hand, controlled by forces greater than the force that usually controls my hand, drives it toward NIGHT TRIPS. Like a bad drug. [Cue wavy fucking lines that signifies a flashback.] Standing in a Tenderloin apartment. Windows have been painted black. Red lightbulbs. The cat's going blind. You could grow mushrooms in here.

TORI WELLES SANS FLEAS, SCALPELS, AND LUNATIC LIMEYS.

The Brit standing in front of me has a scalpel in his hand. He's talking.

"So the fucking cat. You see, the CAT, has got fleas. FLEAS. And they get all over me. See them?!?! See them?!?!?" And, of course you can't because you can NEVER see them. Especially not under the present lighting conditions. "So I went to the doctor and stole THIS...." It was lidocaine. Think novocaine. "And I inject it. INTO MY COCK." Uh oh. "So that I can get them off!!!"

Note to all: NEVER ask questions.

"How do you get them off?"

And he started spastically fumbling with his zipper as I start eyeing potential escape routes. He waves the scalpel at his withered and scarred cock."I CUT THEM OFF!!!" And he proceeds to start slicing at "the fleas" on his cock. I tell him I don't see them. He eyes the ax that for some reason is on his floor. I leave as quickly as possible. But not before he's shoved NIGHT TRIPS into my hand. Within a month he's dead from an intentional drug overdose.

[Cue wavy fucking lines that signify end of a flashback.]

This movie is like that. Except it features exceptional fucking, sucking and the hot-assed TORI WELLES engaged in the same. The plot? Some shit to do with a mind machine that scientists have developed to turn dreams into reality. Whatever. My loads give it 5 nuts up. -- VINNIE ROSE

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