AND in a stunning new development and on the heels of the White House-U.S. Port Flap, Deputy Treasury Secretary Robert Kimmitt in a press conference today noted that the lucrative peanut, popcorn and hot dog concessions at Yankee Stadium, Flushing Meadows, Giants Stadium and Madison Square Garden have been turned over to Al Qaeda.
A CONCESSIONAIRE TRAGEDY: YES. BALLPARK FRANKS DO PLUMP WHEN YOU COOK THEM.
"We were worried that the presence of pork byproducts would queer the deal," said a resolute Kimmitt. "But when we switched over to Hebrew National all-beef franks it seemed to be we dodged a bullet."
When asked if he believed this present a possible security problem with Al Qaeda's well publicized jihad against American interests Kimmitt spit out his martini and said, resolutely, "Fuck no."
POP QUIZ: QUIEN ES MAS LOAD?
REASON #37 WHY THIS ENTIRE SITE IS DEDICATED TO OLIVIA: OUR LOADS LOVE HER!!!
“A CHAZER BELIBT A CHAZER” AS JEWS CONTINUE TO JEW NON-JEWS OUT OF AID, CITING MORAL QUALMS WITH FUNDING COUNTRIES THAT MAY BE PRONE TO TERROR ENDEAVORS. “OY VEY”, SAYS LONG ISLAND. “ONGETSHEPTER”, RESPONDS THE WORLD.
MINUTES AFTER CONVERSING WITH ONE GENE SIMMONS, ACTING ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER EHUD OLMERT DISMISSES THURSDAY’S SECRET “FOLLOW UP” SESSION TO RETREAT TO A LIFE OF FREEBASING PENNIES, TRADEMARKING KISS SPATULAS, AND JACKING OFF TO PICTURES OF BANKS THAT JUDGE ROY BEAN IS NO LONGER ALLOWED IN FOR REASONS WE WILL NOT SPEAK OF HERE.
JERUSALEM (SkullGame) — Israeli officials Thursday afternoon voted once again, reportedly after forgetting the previous week's session upon learning that matzoh balls and frigid bitches would not be replacing the Euro as the standardized currency, AGAINST giving money that isn’t theirs to people who are not their own, claiming that the newly arisen Hamas leadership in neighboring Palestine posed a great threat to the KISS franchise and thus cannot be supported, saying “we moved in here and flourished due not to our utter raping of any country foolish enough to offer camaraderie but because of our ability to sell fat middle-aged losers lunchboxes, fanny packs, ice cream treats, Chia pets, and coffins bearing the KISS logo or, in times of our intense jewish nature taking the lead, the aforementioned products featuring only one of the four faces of KISS—thus leaving these sexless morons still caught in a horrible trap of deciding whether to buy four of each products or commence living a life never worth living. We simply cannot risk some crazy goy taking our rightfully plundered resources and spending it on food products that could potentially ruin perfectly marketable KISS accessories.”
Gene Simmons, bassist and figurehead for KISS, could not be reached for comment, presumably because he was busy having sex with 5,000 women and creeping into windows late at night, singing God of Thunder, and kiking children out of their foreskins.
Cabinet Minister Ronnie Bar On said the Cabinet would urge the international community to follow suit, but he stressed that the recommendation would not affect the transfer of funds to humanitarian organizations, namely those that are willing to hand out KISS ARMY catalogues to starving, towel-headed Palestinian sandnegros in lieu of food, water, and shelter.
Strained talks regarding sanctions being imposed on Palestine by the United States, Israel, and the EU with Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas and Hamas leader, Mamahamabama Loo, are expected to continue into next week. Members of KISS will not be present, however, with guitarist/singer Paul Stanley being busy convincing people that he really isn’t gay, Gene Simmons tending to his shoulder hair, and guitarist Ace Frehley and drummer Peter Criss being “too fucking high to even bother being Jews.”
A SAL PACINO TALE OF WOE: CARS, CRAP & CRAZY CRACKHEADS: A TROIKA OF TERROR.
EXHIBITS A THROUGH 5: THIS CAR MARAUDER WILL BE FOUND!!!
There is a certain satisfaction that which comes with firmly burying one's foot deep within a much deserving ass.
This same satisfaction has continued to elude me since my injury in December, however…it seems as if after a full two months--today being the anniversary of my surgery--after two months, the arm that which was as useless as a set of tits on a bull is beginning to show marked improvement; a testament to the curing power of running…and positive thinking; the latter being a lie I use to impress women into sleeping with me.
Running, positive thinking and lying for the sake of pussy aside, back to the point at hand…that point being: Crack head, whoever and wherever you are, please immediately desist from SHITTING on my car! Now I don’t mean the abstract shitting on one's car, for example, smoking in the passenger seat or eating McDonalds and spilling ketchup on my sheepskin covers.
No, in this instance I mean actual SHITTING. Moving one's bowels, pinching a loaf, seeing a man about a horse, you know…shitting…ON…my…CAR!
Please stop it. Now I'm sure that many will say, “hey this is testament to the safety of your neighborhood: could you imagine a greater accolade than someone feeling safe and comfortable enough in your neighborhood as to engage in their most private of activities there…out in the open no less.”
To which I would say, “Fuck you, pal. Apes shit wherever the fuck they want and more importantly don’t try to pull a silver lining out of a crackhead's ass…unless of course my foot is attached to that silver lining.”
STOP SHITTING ON MY CAR!
And eat some bran, anything with fiber really.
Thanks for listening.
