Suze Randall Productions

Rating: ONE & A HALF "Go To The Best Western Instead" BUSTED NUTS

AUTUMN BLISS has sass.

She's the kind of girl you'd expect to grin while biting off Max Hardcore's dick and choking him with it. I like that in my porn stars.

But sass aside, her hotel is pretty fucking lame.

SAMANTHA RYAN: SHE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YOU. SO YOU CAN SEE WHERE TO DROP YOUR LOAD. LIKE YOU'LL NEED A LIGHT TO SEE HER FACE.

You see, this movie is set in her "house", and she's your tour guide through the entire movie. She flirts, masturbates, squeezes her tits, and walks the viewer through some of the stupidest looking rooms you'll ever see. Do porn directors spend money on this garbage? Decorative parasols? An indoor hammock filled with pillows? A chair that looks like an enormous Jolly Rancher? I don't care how many dripping twats are ready to be violated--this shit is full-on homo.

But anyways, here are the highlights:

Autumn Bliss starts us out herself by getting lightly spanked by this skater guy while simultaneously ushering us into this totally terrible idea where every 2 minutes or so we get a split screen from two different angles like we're watching a Frankie Goes to Hollywood video. It's supposed to be... well, probably not annoying, but it fails.

The other thing about this scene is that at the money shot when she's all ready to turn around and get a face full, he holds her down so he can blow it on her back. Nice going junior, but who the fuck wants to see that? I don't know a lot of girls that will take a facial over a back saucing, so if she's getting paid, be a man and blind her with that shit.

After that, we have a threesome with some douche and two girls, one of them being Samantha Ryan. SAMANTHA RYAN is hot. Very hot. This girl is going to be cutting coke with a Gold Amex in no time. Even her kissing the white Lenny Kravitz doesn't take away from that. The other girl is pretty fucking cute as well (I don't know if she's the proud recipient of one of those anal bleachings I hear are all the rage, but her asshole looks like it is only made for ramming), which brings me to this point: I hate props.

Here this guy is banging one chick from behind while she goes about the triumvirate of kissing, sucking, and fingering the other girl, and he picks up a camera for a few seconds to take photos.We're never going to see these fucking pictures and it's this kind of distracting shit in porn that really bums me out. I know you're just fucking two hot chicks who are going at it, my man, but do you really need something else in the shot? Your fucking dragon tattoo is already threatening my boner; how about we keep our eyes on the fucking prize?

And speaking of tattoos, I don't think there's one person in this movie that doesn't have something shitty-looking inked on their body. We have a dragon tattoo, lower back tribal shit, nautical stars, a cross the size of an infant, and the best one--fucking Piglet. Yeah, THAT Piglet. MYA LUANNA has him posing on her stomach, and if you want the definition of distracting, Piglet be thy name. But, when it comes down to it, Piglet is the best part of her scene with JASMINE BYRNE, because these girls are just not into it.

When it's a guy and a girl, and she's not into it, you can deal: There are so many of those, it's an accepted part of watching porn. Plus, you can be assured that at least a half-assed cumshot is on the way. But when two girls go through the motions with each other, it's just fucking unacceptable. I mean, yeah yeah, you have a 4 dollar vibrator stuffed up in your shit while you're getting your clit teased, but it's transparent that you're just wondering if you should get that anal bleaching everyone's raving about. And then, like all bad girl-girl scenes, it just ends. At some point, the boredom of eating pussy gets to them, and they just call it a day. It makes you ashamed to even be into lesbians.

There's some more people in this movie that fuck like paint dries, and there's a blooper reel in the extras that would make even Ed McMahon go soft, but there is also an interview with my new girlfriend, the hot as flaming shit Samantha Ryan. Now granted, she seems a little retarded. And her "sexy" answers to questions are piss poor. And her laugh is the kind of noise that can kill small animals.

But... No, her interview fucking sucks and so does this movie.-- POPEYE KATSOPOLIS

Buy It NOW!