AND to usher fucking in this supergoddamned Detroit weekend of football, hookers and ho's a new SkullGame scripted, artist's rendering of Life In Our Room At The Ramada...starring The Gentle Friends.
HAHAHAHAHA....FUCK. WOO HOOOOO....FUCKING ROOFIE JOKES JUST ALWAYS CRACK ME UP.
MEN ARE FROM PENIS, WOMEN ARE WHORES: LOVE LETTERS STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART
"I KNOW YOUR FRIENDS THINK I AM SHIT, BRAD." ALMOST, BABY.
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.
I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house. If you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
AND THE RE-BUTTAL...
MY EX. MINUS THE COCKS.
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.
I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate.
Thought you might like to know.
Oh. I also BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
AND WE TAKE A BREAK IN THE ACTION FOR A NEW SKULLGAME COMMERCIAL ENDORSEMENT FOR "YOU GO GIRL GANGBANG," THE GANGBANG FOR THE MODERN GIRL ON THE GO.
NEVER ENOUGH TIME FOR THE THINGS IN LIFE THAT YOU ENJOY? STYMIED BY THE PRESSING DEMANDS OF MODERN LIVING? TOO FAT? WELL YOU GO GIRL GANGBANG IS THE FIRST NAME IN MODERN GANGBANGING...
...That lets you experience for the first time a politically correct plugging of your mouth, the place where your poop comes out and any other holes you might have. On your calendar, on time. In your hair.
YOU GO GIRL GANGBANG. Because you deserve it.
COLOMBIAN TOWN LEADER PROPOSES MANDATORY CONDOM-CARRYING STATUTE; LOCAL LIVESTOCK BREATHE COLLECTIVE, IF NOT PREMATURE, SIGH OF RELIEF BEFORE LEARNING FIRSTHAND WHAT A CIRCLE NARROWING TO A NEEDLE-EYE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT.
“NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS”, JORGE, A TULUAN CHICKEN REMARKS SHORTLY BEFORE THE ABJECT HORROR OF IT ALL TAKES HOLD.
BOGOTA, COLOMBIA (SkullGame) -- In a judiciary move that surely has ODB turning in his grave and pouring 40s out to himself, a western Colombian city councilman wants to require everyone in town aged 14 and older to carry a condom—an attempt aimed at preventing unwanted pregnancy and curbing the nationwide AIDS epidemic.
William Pena, a councilman in Tulua, said Wednesday that he will present a formal proposal to force all men and women, even those just visiting and hoping to get in on the “spicy-spicy”, such as ourselves, to always carry at least one condom; a projection that the SkullGame collective considers far too conservative for our liking—subsequently forcing our “business trips” to be rescheduled to Brazil… and Thailand…and Sierra Leone…and all those other places where the big disease with the little name is nowhere to be found.
Those caught “empty-pocketed” could pay a fine of up to $180; as well as being forced to enroll in a safe sex course replete with drawing a moustache on the egg that you have to carry around for a whole week… and your wife as well for that matter, he said. Likewise, women caught without contraceptives will be forced to wear a prosthetic that merges the ass with the shoulders and will be shipped to San Francisco for a week to ride the MUNI buses all day long with JUDGE ROY BEAN.
Ramiro Cano, a 19-year-old laborer in Tulua, told SkullGame that the proposal was the talk of the town, and said most young people he has spoken with support the motion.
"I try to always carry a condom on me, especially if I go to a discotheque, in case I can pick up someone," Cano said, to which his friends then laughed at him, informing us that the “plus-sized” condom in his wallet expired back in 2002.
“You better just keep that in your back pocket when you go the disco. Maybe you’ll pass out on the dance floor and wake up lucky, you fucking fag”, one of Cano’s acquaintances exclaimed before leaving to “knock up Cano’s sister for the 6th time”.
Similar measures have already been taken by Colombian officials, who plan to install condom dispensers in all bars, movie theaters, and petting zoos—an action that has left local farm animals wondering if the guilt after is going to increase or decrease.
Adalberto Diego, a Colombian farmer from the nearby town of Tolemaida, doesn’t expect the law to change much of everything. “I do it for the crying part and the crying part alone”, he said to which all his livestock slowly inched themselves toward the chopping block and the locks in his house silently turned.
