Private

Rating: FOUR "Righting The Wrong" BUSTED NUTS

If anything, Private’s LADY OF THE RINGS is highly worthwhile as a sort of champion of justice, a righter of the faggotized wrongs that plagued the otherwise perfect LORD OF THE RINGS movie trilogy. Here, all the hobbits are chicks, and although they do fuck each other, no one’s complaining.

LARA STEVENS & GANDALF, YOU KNOW, FEELING THE FORCE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK LETS CAPT. KIRK BEAT WILL ROBINSON IN THE RATINGS EVERY-FUCKING-TIME.

LARA STEVENS is one of our favorites as Elijah Wood. She’s just nasty, and looks hot being so. Plus she has kind of an elfy look to her, although I know some elves that would kill for her curves. SAANA’s pretty hot too, although she’s officially gone overboard with the tattoos.

Praise be that they took the Private Movies line out of the hands of Alessandro Del Mar, at least for a while. FRANK THRING’s productions are a little juicier and more fun-loving. We laughed. Remember the days when Thring would show his mutant, mongoloid dick in this features? It seems like a distant, hopefully fading, memory.

Gah. He does it again here. His wee-wee looks like it’s been run over by a bike. Like, yesterday. But curses, watching LILIANE TIGER smile maliciously as she jams some other chick’s head up and down on Thring’s damaged appendage is somehow hot.

Think they’ve got a “best makeup – male” at the AVN Awards? Look for the job they did on the guy playing Gollum to win. Pretty cool.

Wait, wait. Something’s amiss. This time, we’ve noticed. Since SILVIA SAINT's “comeback,” we’ve only seen her fiddle around with girls on camera. What do you call such a fucking career move, taking up valuable screen time like that? [Hint: It rhymes with "fucking-career- suicide-see-you-back-in-Poland-itis.]

Speaking of taking up screen time, there isn’t really a whole lot of sex, considering it’s a porn, in this movie. Five or so scenes in an hour and 25. But consider that there’s a bunch of walking around, fighting with swords (read: “here, hit my sword a few times with yours”) and looking at a ring. Compare this to PIERRE WOODMAN’s best movies, which were like three hours each. Contrast and compare. But we like LADY OF THE RINGS 2 anyway, just because of its championing of heterosexuality.

Flash of genius. Why not re-remake this movie with all the hobbits as chick midgets? Holy shit. –- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!