Private

Rating: TWO & A HALF "Sand In My Brain" BUSTED NUTS

Someone stop the tropical train. I want off. Private’s TROPICAL line seemed kind of like a lark at first. Cute, they’ve got hot Euro chicks in the sun getting boned by the same group of four guys each time.

But it’s veered, and dangerously so, a little fucking out of control.

YOKASTA LOOKING CURIOUSLY LIKE THAT BROAD WHOSE HOUSE VINNIE WAS GOING TO BURN DOWN. WE MEAN THEORETICALLY...

You see, ROBINSON CRUSOE ON SEX ISLAND is the culmination of one man's romance with one man's self. The man? Director Alessandro Del Mar. The power? Straight to his fucking head. We mean, no longer is he content to make cameo appearances like the Hitchcock child that somehow survived the intentional drowning by mom and dad Hitchcock, but now he’s got to drag a really, REALLY overblown story into the whole thing.

The Tropical movies take a minor premise and sort of piece it around fucking. This is how plot driven porn usually works well. When it doesn’t work well is when there’s too much story for the total amount of footage. Or fuckage, if you will. And “story” here equals hackneyed acting, third-rate fight scenes and a lot of standing around in general. The way the sex scenes are shot, too, in short, cut and dried installments, gives you the impression that the director has really only got an hour and forty-five minutes of total footage and he’s gotta get back to the story.

Some of the babes are definitely worth the price of admission. We’re mostly thinking of ANGEL DARK, who could be in an epic saga of a janitor who must fuck her way to finding her long lost mop bucket, and we’d still watch it.

SILVIA SAINT, who’s staging some manner of porn comeback or something, is also on the bill, but that ends up being a half-assed lesbo scene with a guy present, and with his dick out, who doesn’t get to fuck any of the three women around him.

Starting to get the point?

But applause must be sounded that in YOKASTA, the Eurocentric in paradise Del Mar has finally found a woman of color to go along with his Caribbean fixations. We want more of her, in increasingly depraved situations. -- STEELY ROB

Buy It NOW!