THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME?!?! I HATE FOOTBALL STORIES!!!
PANTS? THAT'S WHAT A DOG DOES RIGHT? I KNEW IT
STUPID (SkullGame) -- Pop tart BRITNEY SPEARS, while speaking to a Spanish journalist who asked her whether she liked Spain's music said, "Yes, I really like it. From Paulina Rubio to Kylie Minogue."
Minogue is from Australia. Rubio is from Mexico. Countries very, very, very far from Spain.
When she was told that Kylie is Australian and Paulina is Mexican, she hastily tried to cover up her embarrassing mistake by adding, "Fuck you. YOU'RE the stupid one. Anyway, I still think they're great."
And Britney showed up her lack of general functioning knowledge again last month when she said she was influenced by Indian spiritual religions.
When asked if Hinduism was one of them, she asked, "What's that? Is it like Kabbalah?" before closing with her definition of heaven as a place where "everyone is at peace and happy, and they all hop around from cloud to cloud."
JESUS, too tired from all of that cloud hopping...cloud hopping and weeping, could not be reached for comment.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE ARGENTINE
I LOVE HER LIKE I LOVE HAVING A JIZ RAG HANDY WHEN I NEED ONE
Oops, can she do it again?
BRITNEY SPEAR's new album, "In the Zone," dropped like a bolus of bowel movement on Nov. 18, but why the fear? Surely her bodyguards are enough to keep music lovers of all stripes from rending her talentless flesh and cooking it over burning copies of the new record, no?
"Right now I'm a little nervous. I'm very nervous," said Britney in Revelatory and Personal Interview #325. "Maybe it’s the cocaine. Maybe it's the meth. Maybe it's the E. It's just too hard to tell at this fucking juncture of time. Especially if by 'juncture' you mean 'ketamine.'"
M-O-T-H-E-R-FUCKING HIGH AS A KITE...ON "LIFE" AND SHIT
"In the Zone", however, is the first record showcasing Britney "the woman." And after having moved through Britney "the whore" and Britney "the talentless hack" phases, she's letting everyone know just how much of a woman she is now. Except, that is, for SKULLGAME's diplomat extraordinaire THE ARGENTINE, perhaps because he has publicly vowed to show everyone how much of a woman she is with nothing more than a gunnysack and some electrical tape.
However, there's no denying the pressure on Britney stems from the fact that she's sold 52 million albums to date to people we here at SKULLGAME wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire. Getting candid with the predatory lesbian DIANE SAWYER on the ABC special "Britney Spears: In the Zone" she even breaks down at one point during the interview, proving to disappointed film execs everywhere that she cannot act worth stale monkey shit.
SISTERS ARE DOING IT! ESPECIALLY IF BY "IT" YOU MEAN COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COKE, COOZE AND BOOZE
"To have such a good support system around me helps. I have my security, Mo and Tony, and they're great and they make me feel really safe," said a sobbing Britney, gesturing to her hirelings Mo and Tony who, upon hearing their names, smiled and cried happily, "Hide the pee-pee in Britney!"
And she certainly needed security the night of her New York striptease, which aired on "Dateline NBC" amidst rabid Day of the Locusts-like protests lead by Britney's hometown pastor Bob Sheffield who told "Dateline" that Britney has a responsibility to her young fans. He also mentioned that he misses his one-on-one talks with her about "God and stuff." He then added wistfully, "A lot."
GERI HAD LESBIAN SEX?!? WE'RE SENSING A GODDAMNED THEME HERE
But Britney admitted she's not a perfect role model and when asked about her cigarette smoking, Britney told VINNIE ROSE: "[I smoke] when writing a song and [during] the process of sucking off the entire board of directors of CBS. It's not healthy, I know, but in a recording studio I love cigarettes. And it gets rid of that salty flavor."
In other Britney news, the pop harlot par excellence gets the ultimate honor – 15 minutes alone with SKULLGAME'S CORNHOLIO.
"All I need is 10, but I got a special place in my heart for that bitch," he said, smiling. Not happy smiling. Sort of a cold faraway smiling.
BRITNEY SPEARS TO THE ANTENNA-WIELDING BLACK COURTESY TELEPHONE
IT'S OFFICIAL: OLD BROADS WELL PAST THEIR PRIME HATE SEXY YOUNG ONES NAMED BRITNEY SPEARS
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, WHEN MY FLESH IS AS SAG-RIDDLED AS YOURS IS NOW, I'LL PROBABLY BE AS CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT AS DEBBIE GIBSON, TIFFANY, OR CHARO
WASHINGTON, D.C (SkullGame) -- Type "Britney hater" into Google and you get 9,000 hits. Go to the CNN Web site and learn, from a Quick Vote poll earlier this month, that one out of three visitors enjoys Britney while the rest say she's either "living off her past glory" or is "about ready for the `Where are you now?' file.''
Karen Kreutzberg, a Navy commander with an 11-year-old daughter, Kara, tries to be polite by calling Spears "lightweight," then adds, "Don't get me started.''
Britney rage isn't confined to custodians of the cradle, but there were a lot of parents silently cheering when they heard that Maryland's first lady, Kendel Ehrlich, pumped up a crowd last month by saying, "If I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would.''
Maybe moms are jealous that at 21 Britney looks better in boy briefs than they do or ever did. But over the five years of her pop career, Britney has come to epitomize the widespread belief that there's something rotten in girl culture, something that tells girls that their bodies, not their brains, are the means to power and success, especially if they're wrapped in skintight pants that stop just above the pubic bone.
Britney popularized the slut strut in music videos assembled by a former porn director and single-handedly wiped out the Spice Girls. Girls want desperately to grow up. Britney gave them a way to do that and they became thong feminists singing that they would do whatever it takes to snag a man. This drove older, pantsuit feminists crazy.
Did we work our way into America's boardrooms for this, the pantsuits asked?
SKULLGAME says: Yes.
ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO
SUBHUMAN PRIMATES LIKE BRITNEY. AND SO DO WE
“The only reason we let them look at the pictures is because we discovered that they only stop shooting their loads on us when they have something better to shoot on. Like Britney.”
THE LOOK THAT SAYS "LOVELY SUBHUMAN PRIMATE, REST EASY TONIGHT GOOD PRINCE AND JERK NO MORE"
Scientist’s in Wales have found that captive monkeys seem to be enthralled by the sight of Britney Spears.
Doctor Otto Williams of the Primate Research Facility in Wales said “The boys really seem to respect Britney's innocence.” Evidently showing them her semi- nude layout is the only thing that stops them from masturbating. Williams also said “It's quite surprising, they seem to play with themselves all day, this seems like the only rest they get,” holding up Britney pictures.
Doctor Otto isn’t the only one who noticed a difference, Lab Assistant Philip Mc Entyre also of Wales commented: “Those dirty monkeys will jack off to shovels, shoes, even dirt. I can’t figure it out.” So doctors at the Primate research facility have stated that they will post her photos throughout the monkey’s enclosure until the soreness around their monkey penis’ go down.
When asked to comment on that, a doctor who prefers to remain anonymous stated: “Wouldn’t you be sore if you were pulling on your pencil 15 or 16 times a day!?!” The same doctor when asked if they would play Britney's album for the monkeys, you know, since they like her so, told us: “Fuck them monkeys I would rather gas them then listen to that bitch screech! The only reason we let them look at the pictures is so that they stop shooting their loads on us. Disgusting creatures!”
SKULLGAME's feelings seem to differ slightly from that of the Scientists at the Primate Research Facility. We felt that the monkeys “inactivity” had more to do with disinterest and less to do with a respect for Britney’s Pseudo-innocence. I think that those little bastards haven’t been fooled either. I’m sure that the minute those photos come down them dirty little fuckers will be jacking away like priests in a preschool.
“The only reason we let them look at the pictures is so that they stop shooting their loads on us. Disgusting creatures!”
