PORN STAR CARMEN LUVANA TAKES A BOOT UP THE BUTT; "DON'T FUCKING EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING THIS AT HOME," says SKULLGAME's VINNIE ROSE. "UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S MY FOOT. AND YOUR NAME IS AL BORDA."
NEW YORK (SkullGame) -- CARMEN LUVANA, the beautiful Puerto Rican bombshell who is, unfortunately shackled to the fucking train wreck that is ADAM & EVE, the worst fucking porno company on the planet, gave her fans a first during an appearance on K-ROCK Radio's "The Howard Stern Show."
A SIZE 10? SLATHERED WITH TOE CHEESE LUBE? OOOOO, YEAHHH
During a wild game of "Spin the Wheel of Benjy," Carmen spun Benjy, who landed on "toe in an orifice."
"Howard suggested he (Benjy) put his toe in my butt," Carmen explained of the wildly popular game, shaking her head and wondering how she got lucky enough to be getting national publicity for taking a digit up the duker. "But I told him I don't do that!"
However, never one to let her fans down, turn away a green dollar or a hammertoe up the fucking keister, Carmen finally relented and agreed to allow Benjy into her asshole. And we don’t mean her manager.
"I told Howard I would rather just be tea-bagged," says Carmen, of the wonderfully piquant practice of having a scrotum spread all over one’s forehead, "but he insisted I had to do whatever was selected to plug my website, and my place in the history of infamy."
After covering his toe with a condom and an ample amount of lubricant, Gentle Benjy inserted his toe carefully and with the sensitivity of a man to the manner born, into Carmen's asshole.
"It was all in the name of fun. But don't expect me to do it again!" says Carmen fully knowing that this is a goddamned lie.
This anal first is scheduled to air on E! Entertainment Television's "The Howard Stern Show" on Monday, December 1, at 11 p.m. E.T.
WHOSE SNATCH IS THIS ANYWAY? A MYSTERY INSIDE A RIDDLE WRAPPED UP IN AN ENIGMA: J.LO VERSUS THE OLSEN TWINS
Several months back when MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME ran our exclusive photos of J.LO’s clam pack we gave ourselves a pat on the back, a line of crank and a hearty “how-do-you-do-here-let-me-help-you-with-that-fucking-engine-disassembly-regardless-of-me-knowing-nothing-about-engines.”
And then our tireless team of Dallas-based researchers uncovered a snatch shot of THE OLSEN TWINS, those fucking youthful saucepots that tickle America’s funny bone whilst simultaneously sucking them off in fantasies that go on forever.
Beautiful.
Or is it?
On closer examination and after a multiple hour forensic examination we’ve uncovered a mystery to rival the Lindberg Kidnapping, to whit: are these or are these not the same goddamned snatch?
I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP MR. DEMILLE
I'M NOT A CUNT BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV
Yes, yes, yes, we know one seems to belong to the over-exposed mediocrity JENNIFER LOPEZ and the other belongs to the refreshingly youthful fresh-faced scamps of all of our demented meanderings but ARE THEY OR ARE THEY NOT THE SAME SNATCH?!!?!?
CAN'T WE JUST FAST FORWARD TO HER "I'M A SERIOUS ACTRESS AND SO NOW I MUST BE NUDE IN MY FILMS" PHASE?
Going to SkullGame Medical with our own in-house physician, THE DOCTOR, we’ve made the final conclusive medical determination: “A snatch is a snatch is a snatch. Who the fuck cares?”
“Well we do, you dumb sonuvabitch.”
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck you. And thanks for your time DOCTOR. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.”
GUCCIONE TURNS OVER THE PENTHOUSE HELM TO THE NEW, VIBRANT VOICE OF TODAY
BOB GUCCIONE, the flamboyant founder of PENTHOUSE magazine, resigned as chief executive of its parent company but will remain publisher and editor as the magazine struggles to emerge from bankruptcy.
PENTWINOS IN THEIR NEW DIGS BURNING ONE FOR THE HOMIES NOT THERE
Guccione, 72, was replaced as acting CEO of Penthouse International by 90-YEAR-OLD Milton Polland, who is head of a California communications company.
LIMP BIZKIT MOTHERFUCKER CAPPED IN MOUTH BY GENIUS MUSIC CRITIC
Rocker and certified talentless fucking mewler FRED DURST is nursing a nasty chin injury after being pelted with rocks, garbage, used tampons and finally an unidentified object rumored to be “a really big tiki ashtray” at a recent New York show.
DURST WITH UNIDENTIFIED NEGRO MOMENTS BEFORE ASHTRAY MISHAP
Thrown by music critic and SKULLGAME supporter DEAN KUIPERS, the ashtray represents a new breed of musical criticism. “Sure I could have written a probingly sensitive examination of their newest record,” said a clearly agitated Kuipers. “But what better way to say it than to say it with heavily molded ceramics: your record is an affront to anything living. Oh, and by the way, here’s a fucking ashtray in the grill to drive that point home.”
THE INSTRUMENT OF KUIPERS DIVINELY INSPIRED REVENGE
The Limp Bizkit frontman needed seven stitches in his chin when he was hit in the face while climbing the balcony at the Hammerstein Ballroom in a pathetic attempt to get the crowd to “make some noise.” The bloodied star finished the show but was taken to hospital directly afterward, where he was treated and released.
“Alls I got to say is that it’s a good thing that actions do speak louder than fucking words,” said a now smiling Kuipers on hearing that the horrible LIMP BIZKIT will be playing again next month in New Jersey.
