PAMELA ANDERSON LEE WAS 'JUST JOKING' WHEN SHE SAID SHE WAS DYING
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Sexy actress, or Slutress Pamela Anderson Sometimes Lee Sometimes Not was apparently only joking in a roughly “philosophical sense” when she declared her hepatitis C disease was going to kill her in five to 10 years, said her ex-husband convicted and serial wife abuser Tommy Lee.
NOW YOU JUST FUCKING SMILE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, BABE
In a well-practiced speech Lee said "She was just joking. She just hit her eye on the door again. I mean. Oh. You mean the Hep C thing? Well, somebody asked her how she's doing or how she's feeling and she goes, 'I got a good five or 10 in me.' And it was just a joke. Hahahaha. Haha. Ha.
"It's kinda crazy. She was kidding. She was totally kidding. She's fine. Unless you mean in the Sartre-sense where one might find oneself mired in an existential crisis of mammoth proportions that found its genesis in the ontological origins of life’s temporality."
IMMEDIATELY AFTER HER BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY A NATION GROANED IN DESPAIR
Last month, the former "Baywatch" beauty shocked fans of tits worldwide when she told reporters she had regretted her implants and was having the giant ones removed (to be replaced by smaller giant ones), as well as noting that the liver-crippling condition -- which she claims she contracted from ex-Motley Crue drummer Lee -- would likely be the cause her death in a handful of years.
ON RUE. ST. GERMAIN AS HER MEMOIRS TAKE SHAPE
She said, "I've got a good five to 10 years left. But in a sense aren’t we all dying the many deaths of those defeated by a time measured not in hour glasses but by divine measures? How infinite in faculty is man? Hath not a Jew eyes? To be or not to be? That is really the goddamned question. Oh. That and ‘do you think my tits are too big?’”
NEWFLASH: CONSTANT AROUSAL DISEASE NOT AS COOL AS IT SOUNDS
SkullGame not surprised one fucking bit
When Jean Lund, a 51-year-old office manager and mother of three, told her gynecologist the problem, he snickered and said, "You're every man's dream."
"I wanted to punch him," she recalled. "I'm suffering here, and he's laughing, 'Hardy-har-har.' So I looked him in the face and said, 'How would you like to walk around on the verge of orgasm every second?' And he shut up."
"I shut up because the jiz-dribbling ramifications of almost coming every second propelled me into a reverie of absolutely Walter Mitty proportions," said OB/GYN Dr. DAVID DIETRICH. "Not like that Lund bitch."
WOMEN WHO WE, UNFORTUNATELY, COULD NOT HELP AT ALL
Lund has a rare condition that prominent sexual medicine researchers have just "discovered" and begun to document. They have given it a name -- persistent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS, pronounced PIZAZZ). While conventional medical authorities are trying to develop treatments for it, so far with patchy success, MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME medical professionals have closed in on a successful cure. To whit: MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME's railroad motif parties where no fewer than 10 MACKS on said AVENUE will help the afflicted fuck their way to general health.
ALL THE MEDICAL MIGHT OF MACK AVENUE WAS BROUGHT TO BEAR ON THIS POOR UNFORTUNATE'S PROBLEM
"Yeah. Since we have a 'LEAVE NO BROAD'S BEHIND POLICY' we have to help everyone," said Dr. VINNIE ROSE. And giving those 78-year old broads what they need? Well it can be tough. Clearly, PSAS is no fucking joke."
THE DOCTOR IS IN....
WHERE IN THE DOCTOR CONSIDERS JESSICA LYNCH: ASS RAPE VICTIM, HUSTLER CENTERFOLD, UNWITTING DUPE OF CORPORATE PUBLISHING POWERS, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE?
First of all, I feel sorry for Private Lynch. It would be so much better for her if she was not attractive and could therefore have avoided all this media hype.
If only she was a fat hispanic woman, or even better, a MAN, hardly a moment of the international press' time would have been wasted on her. I mean being that she seems totally annoyed with the publicity, if not the money.
JESSICA LYNCH: LARRY'S GOT THE NUDE PICS BUT SO DO WE. LATER THIS WEEK ON SKULLGAME
I don't blame the Pentagon for making up a bunch of stories about her heroics. This is a stupid war, worse in many ways than Viet Nam was, and they need to come up with something to bolster public opinion. The Pentagon has a long tradition of trimming the facts to fit their agenda and this was just standard procedure for them. I think it's shit that they left Jessica holding the bag and having to explain that she just sat in the car and cowered while the bullets were flying; if no story had been made up in the first place she would not have had to talk about what she WASN'T doing when her hummer collided with a truck. Denied their heroic woman warrior, they had to come up with plan "B," which is to paint a picture for the American public of little Jessica being ass-raped by a bunch of Iraqi demons.
I must admit that it's brilliant--she was in hostile territory under the care of doctors with their own agenda, and unconscious, making the story completely unsubstanital. The brass doesn't have to worry about Pvt. Lynch mouthing off this time. However, the story, in my opinion, is pure bullshit, and here's why.
Forensic investigation of rape is a difficult and delicate process. For evidence to be used in court, it has to be fresh--taking a shower, for instance, pretty much wipes the crime scene clear of usable clues in most cases. The passage of 24 hours pretty much levels the furrows as well. Even if the victim was completely lucid at the time of rape and can identify her attacker, a case is on shaky ground if she has showered, changed clothes or if more than 24 hours have elapsed since the rape took place. So far I haven't seen the "evidence" of Jessica being raped or sodomized, but I will tell you right off that without a redoubtable eyewitness testimony supporting this allegation there is absolutely NO WAY that there is any medical evidence to support it.
Jessica was MIA on March 23, the day of her accident, and rescued on April 1, TEN DAYS LATER! I would imagine that it was at least a day after her rescue until a doctor stuck an anoscope up her ass, so I figure that at least 11 days passed before any "evidence" was gathered. She wasn't wearing her army uniform, so her clothes had been changed at least once, and she had an operation to her femur (thigh bone), which would have included a surgical prep at least to her groin. So what "evidence could they have found?
Contusions would have been gone by that point, and in any case she had surgery to her right femur. I would expect that she had a intamedullary rod placed for fixation, which is a metal rod stuck down the marrow canal of the thigh bone. In order to do that operation the patient must be placed in traction on a fracture table, which pulls on the ankle while the patient is held in place with a post the size of a beer can in her crotch. People get all kinds of bruising and shit from the fracture table, and a dude's balls generally double in size post-op. I would say that any bruising or contusion in the perineum or buttocks would have been caused by the fracture table.
JESSICA LYNCH WITH SOME CREEPY OLDER LURKING LESBIAN
How about internal mucosal tears of the rectum? Mucosal tears heal fast and would have probably healed in 10 days--It's not east to see then after the first couple of days with an anoscope anyway--they need to be fresh and bleeding. Besides, people with as many injuries as Pvt. Lynch had are on Morphine and laying in bed--they get heinously constipated. By day 4 or 5 she would either have had to crap out a turd the size and consistency of a brick or a nurse would have had to "digitally disimpact" her-a process that doesn't involve binary code but does involve pulling lumps of fecal coal out of the hopper with your hands. In any case, anal fissures are incredibly common among trauma patients, and without some eyewitness account, would not lead one to deduce anal rape. Unless you are a Pentagon dickhead who has had his ploy trumped by an uncooperative pawn. Playing the rape card incenses the public and humiliates Pvt. Lynch--another two-fer.
As far as I am concerned, this pretty much eliminates any chance that there is any real indication that Pvt. Lynch was ass-raped. HOWEVER! I have been unable to obtain documentation regarding the whereabouts of KOBE BRYANT during the 4 hours that Pvt. Lynch was unconscious. If he can be placed in the general location of Nasiriyah, I believe that he can be considered a suspect. Otherwise, he gets off on this particular count of ass-rape. "
