"NOW DO I SUCK OR DO I BLOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOTH?"
NEW YORK (SkullGame) – Over at the OLYMPIA GYM in Ridgewood, New York, on the border between Brooklyn and Queens, a one MR. JOHN MAASBACH hangs his head as he scuffs his well-heeled athletic shoes against the rubberized tarmac.
“Man. I was just so…You know, so close.”
Mr. Maasbach, of course, is referring to his now apparently scotched deal to have his woman consent to fucking on tape.
And so it goes in cities all over America, where months and months of hard-fought work cajoling, persuading, convincing, and brow-beating erstwhile reluctant girlfriends, mistresses, wives, and random hoes to appear fucking on tape, has had the kibosh put on it due to the incessant publicity MEDIA SKANK PARIS HILTON’s ex-boyfriend’s purloined fuck flick has drawn.
PARIS HILTON: PUTTING THE HO IN HOTEL
“It wouldn’t have been so bad if she could suck cock. Or even fuck very well,” said Rutgers Law Professor DAVID DANTE TROUTT. “I mean it would have more than amply compensated me for the loss of all my personal fuck flick future potential if she was anything more than just a 19 year old with a cock in her mouth. But to think of just the colossal number of man hours invested in getting even ONE skank to let me set up the camera in a dimly lit room to film our pathetic strugglings for posterity and possible continued onanistic pursuit post-breakup, well, suffice it to say, the loss is….incalculable.”
JESUS A FUCKING CHRIST ON A GODDAMNED CRUTCH. BACK TO SQUARE ONE. NOTE TO HILTON'S EX: HIDE THAT SHIT LIKE THE REST OF US NEXT TIME
Class action lawsuit options are presently being considered by a loose confederation of disgruntled video enthusiasts who, rumors have it, might just have to resort to “hiding the fucking camera. You know, like we used to do.”
CHRISTIAN SLATER JOINS LIONEL RICHIE, DAVID GEST IN A NEW FAG FRATERNITY: MEN BEATEN BY THEIR BROADS SIGMA CHI
LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- CHRISTIAN SLATER received 20 stitches for a cut on his head and his drunken slattern of a wife, RYAN HADDON, was arrested after she allegedly hit the actor with a drinking glass during a fight in their Las Vegas hotel room over his attendance at a professional development conference at HOOTERS, police said.
A CLEARLY FRIGHTENED CHRISTIAN SLATER WITH SAUCEPOT AND SERIAL ABUSER RYAN HADDON
HADDON, a television producer and professional drinker, was arrested about 7 a.m. Monday at the Hard Rock hotel-casino on a misdemeanor battery domestic violence charge, Las Vegas police Lt. Juanita Goode said Tuesday.
“She claimed she was just throwing a drink in his face and the glass slipped,” said Goode. “However, the savage beating that followed for upward of 20 minutes seems to directly contradict that bullshit. Is he some kind of a fucking weak tit that he couldn’t STOP this? In my professional opinion? Yes.”
Haddon the Ho was subsequently taken to the Clark County jail for a mandatory 24-hour detention, and Slater the Sissy was taken to Desert Springs Hospital, where he received 20 stitches and a booklet entitled: “Bearing Up Under the Beating Up: A Survival Guide for America’s Most Silent Minority: Girl-Like Men Married to Butch Bitches Who Will Crack You With Little or No Provocation Under the Influence of Liquor, Ludes, or ‘Period Pains’,” Goode said.
The couple were married in February 2000.
SCREEN TOUGH GUY RUSSELL CROWE HOPING TO RUSH RIVAL FAGGA FAGGA PI
I USED TO BE FRIENDS WITH PETER ALLEN. SO WHAT OF IT?
MELBOURNE (SkullGame) -- RUSSELL CROWE abstained from fucking his jedi-mind tricking girlfriend DANIELLE SPENCER for three months before he wed earlier this year, because he wanted to make sure their first nights together as man and wife were special.
"We saw each other and stuff like that, but we didn't spend the nights together -- just so the wedding night and the honeymoon and all that felt sort of new," said the pathetically pussy-whipped former tough guy actor.
When reached for comment men all over America groaned, sighed and thought fondly about TOM “I’M NOT GAY” CRUISE.
ASHLEY JUDD NAKED!!!!
AHHHH....HOMO, NO MO....
SKULLGAME management, in a slather of full-blown homo panic after reading that last story decided to focus on the fact that not only does SOUTHERN SLUT ASHLEY JUDD have family members in that band THE JUDDS, which amusingly reminds us JUGS, but she also has the class to appear naked for us whenever we get creeped out by fucking RUSSELL CROWE.
