GENTLEMAN, PLACE YOUR BETS
Pornsters JILL KELLY and COREY JORDAN Tying the Knot in a Marriage That’s Sure to End in Hateful Recriminations, Allegations of Drug Usage, and Finger Pointing; Gambling Touts Place Bets on Exactly When It Will All Turn to Shit

BEVERLY HILLS--AVN Hall of Famer JILL KELLYis hoping against every reasonable hope that the third time is the goddamned charm as she plans on making midget director COREY JORDAN her third husband later this month.

KELLY AND HER BRIDESBITCHES: TRUE LOVE, AGELESS AND EVER PINK

Jordan and Kelly, who have been romantically involved for a few months and believe this is more than enough time to establish a lasting, lifelong matrimonial connection, will tie the knot on September 20th in a sunset ceremony on a Hawaiian beach laden with hackneyed, overused romantic clichés.

Bob Friedland, Kelly’s business partner in Jill Kelly Productions, will give the bride away, while Jordan’s six-year-old son Gage from failed marriage number one will serve as a best man.

“Gage and Jill get along great,” Jordan said. “She has great mommy instincts and doesn’t beat him too hard or nothing. And that’s important.”

Jordan, in a meth and E-drenched haze, proposed to Kelly three weeks ago and the bride-to-be now sports a 1-carat diamond ring. This will be Jordan’s soon-to-be second failed marriage.

“You know when it's right. Because, well because, um. Because it’s right. Anyway, she’s the best person I’ve met in my life. I mean I’ve had a pretty fucked up life and so that doesn’t mean much but I’m, I’m, I’m so in love with her,” Jordan said, recapping his ever-present bottle of fortified wine. “I mean, she’s got a great pair of tits…. I mean, heart, and she’s gorgeous. I…I think she’s my soul mate,” he said, staring out into the slowly darkening distance. “No. No! I KNOW she is my soul mate. I hope. I mean she’s beautiful on the inside and outside. But especially on the outside”

Even though according to Jordan the marriage won’t affect either of their work. “My business of filming people fucking my wife is my business and her business of sucking and fucking people who I’ll be filming her fucking and sucking is her business.”

The couple plans a big reception in November to celebrate the wedding, which will be a small, private, grimly ironic affair.

The smart money gives it 11 months. Gentleman, place your bets.

ITALIAN SALVO: HOLLYWOOD HO-TELLINGS

I FUCK, YOU FUCK, WE FUCK, FUCK FUCK

While known Negro impersonator JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE awkwardly fumbles and fondles CAMERON DIAZ’s less then ample man chest, Diaz's ex beau, noteworthy only for being in FIGHT CLUB, JARED LETO, has been spotted around town being accompanied by not ONE but TWO of Britney Spears' hefty ho tits.

WHAT? I HAD TO PISS. SO WHAT?

When asked to comment on rumors that Jared and Justin were playing musical cunts, LETO matter of factly stated: “They're real and they're fantastic-o,” obviously a stab at rumors that Britney’s more than ample pontoons were, how should we say, enhanced beyond any resonable doubt to Big Giant Titty status.

Timberlake’s comment was a bit more evasive when asked to comment on the ménage a quad, he said: “Cameron and I are friends, her past relationship with Leto does not interest me, I’m sure she has been with hundreds and hundreds of guys before me” he concluded, obviously confusing his skag of the day with ANGELINA JOLIE. While no one hear has ever listened to a goddamned word he's ever said, THIS comment did manage to draw the interest of the entire SKULLGAME crew. Who crowded around Justin and asked for Cameron’s phone number under threat of him being thrown a beating.

I AM NAKED AND PUBLIC DOMAIN!!!

AVRIL LAVIGNE NUDE!!?!?!? THANK GOD FOR SKULLGAME!!!!
Multimillionaire moppet and tortured teen sensation AVRIL LAVIGNE disturbed at the empty insignificance of having to count to a million several times over, losing count and then having to start all over again has, following in the footsteps of JENNIFER LOPEZ, ANNA KOURNIKOVA and UMA THURMAN, decided to revitalize a career eclipse by making a similar headlong leap into hardcore porn.

AXL AND AVRIL: WATCHING OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY!!!

“Well when AXL ROSE approached me about doing BALL BUSTERS, I thought what a way to strike a blow against ‘The Man,’” said the angst-ridden rotor rooter after shoving ROSE’s (no relation) Viagra-turgid cock out from between her choppers.

“I can only hope that my protest move reaches into the hallowed halls of power in this country of shame,” said the outraged Canadian cooze, “and causes them to rethink the tax structure in a country that robs me of 40 percent of my earned income!”