YO VINNIE,
OK. While at my boyfriend’s house this weekend and being left there for awhile alone I got kind of bored and decided to watch something on TV. Well there was nothing on TV and so I put in a video and it was to my shock a video of him dancing around in lingerie. Now I live in San Francisco and I know that this doesn’t automatically make him gay, but I brought it up anyway and he said it was for an art project. Do I believe him?—M.J. (by email)

Dear Fucking Mata Hari: (We’ll answer your question presently, but first a public service announcement to THE DUDES) I knew we were in trouble with a capital T when you got to the part about “being left there for awhile alone.” Listen men, don’t EVER EVER EVER do this unless you’re so fucking paranoid that you know at all times where your new copy of ShaveTail is; where your cigar boxes full of feelgood-ceuticals are; and most importantly where that thing, you know, that thing is. I mean the way women think if YOU left it out, even if OUT is locked in a drawer in your room that they had to break INTO, you must have wanted them to see it. Keep your freaking secrets, secret, jack.

Now, onto the question: Do you believe him? What the fuck do you care what I say? I mean you already have embarked on the Great American Sausage Hunt. If he compliments your shoes you’ll think: GAY. If he’s a little too tired to fuck one night you’ll think: of course you are sissy boy. If he blows off a night out with the fellas to go to a poetry reading with YOU, you’ll think: fucking pansy. So he can’t win for losing.

Therefore our suggestion is this: leave him to his own prancing, mincing, skipping, cavorting through Victoria’s singing Judy Garland song-devices and give us a call since we seem to be the kind of men you’d really rather prefer: total assholes who wear women’s clothing without having to resort to that old “art project” excuse either.