MADONNA AND BRITNEY: FREEDOM FIGHTERS IN A STRUGGLE OF SAPPHIC SIGNIFICANCE

What began as a rash of isolated incidents--odd kisses here and there on national television, movies that played with the lesbian "premise" like COYOTE UGLYand BOUND--has daisy chained its way into a national movement of ill-advised career moves.

"Yeah. I thought being like the outre gamine lesbo broad kissing face on TV every five minutes would have helped my career tremendously," said the outre gamine former lesbo Anne Heche. "Well it just didn't. And I'm angry," said Heche before wandering off in search of "really nice lawn furniture."

Tearing through the fundament of Hollywood proper, snatch samplers are sucking face on TV, in movies, on TV, some more TV and even in magazines AND TV, striking a bold blow for the trendy, specious and meretricious, as they mushroom their way into a national movement that promises to shake the very pillars of power or at the very least amuse a few of the non-gay men of the University of Texas' Alpha Delta Phi fraternity.

At MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME, however, while others nap, WE are committed to tracking this snatch-robbing scourge through all of it's sinister manifestations and present you here with the official MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME GUIDE TO HOLLYWOOD HO'S THAT THINK THIS WELL HELP. BUT IT DOESN'T. EVER. SERIOUSLY. JUST STOP.

LURCHING "LESBIAN" AND AGED POP STAR MADONNA ABOUT TO GROPE THE MUCH MORE FIRM BRITNEY SPEARS. THIS WON'T HELP.

SEXY, SENIOR CITIZENS SUCK LIP ON "THE VIEW". SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT AGEISM, BUT WE'RE FIRMLY CONVINCED: THIS WON'T HELP EITHER

LESBO JENNIFER LOPEZ AND HER LESBO LOVER BEN AFFLECK; REPORTS, UNCONFIRMED AT PRESS TIME, SEEM TO INDICATE THAT AFFLECK MIGHT IN ACTUAL FACT BE A GAY MAN

We will keep you posted on this radical Hollywood movement of "faux" homosexuality as it develops.

IS YOUR GIRL OLIVIA THIS SEMEN STAINED TART?

Absolutely not.

ANOTHER ITALIAN SALVO: THE STINK OF DESPERATION!

EDDIE COATES: ADULT FILM PSEUDO-STAR? OR…. LATENT HOMOSEXUAL?

IF YOU FIND HIM EVEN REMOTELY ATTRACTIVE, KILL YOURSELF RIGHT NOW

You have all heard of him...well, maybe you haven’t. EDDIE COATES is a, self-described, mind you, adult film star and film producer, who manages to find the time in his busy schedule of producing movies that no one watches, to do among other things, go into chat rooms and tug on his confused ding dong. That is when he is not out doing important movie projects like, uh, well like shaving his chest, waxing his nuts, and tossing guy's salads.

How Eddie Coates, with such a busy film schedule, could possibly STILL find the time to chat with semi-retarded models on line, is like a mystery wrapped in a riddle shoved up the ass of gerbil.

Yeah, now that I got that off my chest, how are you?

Good, good. And the cheese: how is that working for you?

Good, I’m glad to hear it. You know it never looks quite as good as it does in the ads.