RUSSIAN TENNIS TART LOOKS TO SAN FERNANDO VALLEY FOR CAREER REVIVAL AFTER QUITTING TV GIG

"I'm like total bored with tennis play bad," says the soon-to-be Soviet slam pound.

READY FOR MY CUMSHOT MR. DE MILLE

NEW YORK (SG) -- After wandering through a desultory tennis career hampered by frequent injuries, former cutie of the clay court and calendar girl ANNA KOURNIKOVA was recently given a new lease on celebrity life as a roving TV reporter by USA Television Networks before finally flaming out in a blaze of historic Ho confusion.

The slatternly Russian, who only managed to work three days at the Open during USA Network's coverage due to both her mind-blowing laziness and the frequency with which she was asked the question, "say...don't I know you from somewhere?, said she was uncomfortable interviewing other players, spent too much time eating, and drinking vodka, and told reporters that she isn't likely to make the segue into broadcasting full-time any time soon.

"I need job talent match talent," said the Commie Queen. "Until then, I change name to PORNIKOVA and make ruble."

CAUGHT BY SKULLGAME CAMERAS KOURNIKOVA CRAWLS TOWARD HER FIRST POOLSIDE MASSAGE SCENE

A supportive network exec Tom Caraccioli when asked to comment on KOURNIKOVA's move into adult features said "Well walking around a tennis court with a mic is much more challenging than laying around getting fucked all day. We wish her all the luck in the world with her newest soon-to-be-failed-as-well venture. Both with the fucking and avoiding the baked goods."

PORNSTAR DOMONIQUE SIMONE CALLS SKULLGAME AND ANNOUNCES THAT SHE'S NOT ON DRUGS

"I'm not on drugs," said pornstar DOMONIQUE SIMONE in a 5 A.M. phone call to the SKULLGAME bedside table. "I don't know what that bitch told you but I'm NOT on drugs.

"Of course not. And all my friends who are not on drugs call me at 5 A.M. to tell me so," said SKULLGAME panjandrum VINNIE ROSE.

DRUG FREE....AND LOVING IT

HABIB HUSSEINS'S SATANIC VERSES: PORN "STARS" & BARS

YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW IT NOW, BUT BABY YOU'RE A STAR

Islamic Bartender HABIB recently photographed this slut from behind his enlightened perch at Ponch's Paradise after she told him she was a porn "star". Not a porn supporting actor, but a pornSTAR. Not a porn extra, but a PORNSTAR. Not a porn stand-in, but a GODDAMNED PORN STAR.

"Well what movies have you been in?"

"Oh. Nothing you would have heard of."

"Try me. I work at MACK AVENUE SKULLGAME during the day."

"Well, um....nothing that's really come out yet."

"So you just got filmed fucking by your boyfriend here?"

"Nooo. No. I mean. Well, yeah, for now, but we sent our tape in to...."

HABIB walks away laughing and shaking his head confirmed in the belief that another fragile life has been made just a little bit more difficult.