Brought to you by "YOU GOTTA PAY" PINES: A THERAPEUTICALISTIC COMMUNITY OF MOTIVATORS who motivate the only way they know how to...
...WITH LOVE.
SKEETER KERKOVE SURPRISES ABSOLUTELY NO ONE BY BEING A REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER
SKEETER IN HAPPIER TIMES, DISPLAYING HIS PRISON GANG SIGN
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- Porn Pimp SKEETER KERKOVE, a man whom SkullGame writer THE ARGENTINE personally wanted to fight, was admitted at Cedar Sinai hospital again for an undisclosed but widely suspected anxiety related malady. While some might have incorrectly guess that aforementioned malady was meth related, a much more likely answer has emerged: Skeeter's sex offender status, failure to register, fear of fag-related repercussions county-side for NOT registering and all three combined.
"I figured out what was wrong with me Saturday," he adds. "I didn't want to get raped in County lock up again. Besides which, last night at about 6 o'clock I just finished an Amtrak train rail line of crystal meth and all of a sudden the top of my head broke out in a sweat. I had just finished taking a shower and shaved my head and my face, everything. Then my left hand started getting literally wet like I dipped it in water. And then it cramped. It went all numb and tingly. Then my left leg. I went down to the ground. I thought I was having a heart attack. A meth-related heart attack. It was GREAT."
Skeeter said he attempted to Dial 911. "But it wouldn't go through. Especially not when you dial it, 9E7." Skeeter said he then had his mother call 911 for him. "I could barely talk." Skeeter said in the mean time he tried to make it to the front door as his mother was giving paramedics directions to the house. "I couldn't breathe at all any more," he says.
"That's when I went out. I was half way out my front door. I had my keys in my hand but I couldn't get the alarm to go off on my car because it has a panic alarm. With all the lights going off, the paramedics can at least find you." Skeeter says he woke up in the ambulance. "I was completely shaking and grabbing that oxygen-thing out of my nose. They were getting me all calmed down. I was told I was having a nervous breakdown, a full on, crazy panic attack. My blood pressure would go up to 169 over 110. Then they gave me an EKG to put me at rest that I didn't have a heart attack. They gave me a prescription for Xanax. I told the doctor I don't take drugs. I drink alcohol, coffeee and smoke but I don't take pills."
LIGHTS, CAMERA, FUCKING, ACTI.....AGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Skeeter said he was found in his boxers. "I was so funny because I have tattoos, the first thing they thought was drug overdose." Skeeter says he's had panic attacks before but nothing ever like this. "Never, ever. Jim Powers had one two months ago and they had to take him to the hospital. It was weird because my whole body was shaking and I couldn't stop it. I'm like what the fuck is wrong with me. The guy is going, your brain is shutting down. You've had an overload, too much stress. You've got to make changes in your life."
Skeeter surmises part of it has to do with grifters and dealing with business issues. We suspect it largely has to do with sucking so well and hard.
BRITNEY SPEARS FOUND FIT TO PARENT A HUMAN LIFE FORM WITH SERIAL DEADBEAT DAD
BEING AN ARTISTS' MODEL IS VERY ARTISTICALLY MODELING. OH, AND I GOT A DUCK IN THE OVEN
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- BITCH BOMBSHELL and very possibly Tinseltown's most talent-free Tit mouse BRITNEY SPEARS has revealed what might be Hollywood's worst-kept secret: She's a yawning vacuum of nothingness. And now egoism has caused in her a near-insane level of interest in passing her sub par DNA off in a eugenically unsound experiment with far reaching, but as of yet untallied, consequences.
Publicist Sonia Muckle confirmed the singer's pregnancy Tuesday saying "Ohhhh, the HUMANITY!!!"
In a posting on her Web site, Spears told fans that she and husband, Kevin Federline, were expecting their first child together. The couple were married in September.
Federline has two children with ex-girlfriend and Negro actress Shar Jackson.
LONGORIA JOINS THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS IN LAS VEGAS
"I'M A TV SLUT. I PLAY A SLUT ON TV. IN REAL LIFE I PRACTICE ACTING LIKE A SLUT. I'M AN ACTING SLUT!!! HURRAY!!!"
LAS VEGAS (SkullGame) -- EVA LONGORIA of "Desperate Housewives" had a celebrity-laden crowd purring when she helped open a new lounge featuring the famous Pussycat Dolls at Caesars Palace hotel-casino.
Armed with a horse whip, wearing knee-high leather boots and a zebra-striped mini skirt, Longoria introduced the sexy song-and-dance group to Las Vegas with a provocative meow on Saturday night. The Pussycat Dolls have long performed their cabaret-style shows around Los Angeles, and often feature celebrity guest performers.
"I've always been desperate to be a pussycat," Longoria, 30, said while prancing around a stage at the center of the lavish room. "And here I am, a bona fide, show-stopping pussycat." The invited guests, including Dr. Dre, Andre Agassi, Steffi Graf and Mary J. Blige, lapped it up -- especially when rapper Busta Rhymes jumped on stage and performed with the dancers.
Jesus H. Fucking Christ. I think we're going to be sick.
