YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I GET HIGH ALL THE TIME?!?! HUNH?!? I'LL TELL YOU....UH, I'LL TELL YOU WHY: BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS DROVE ME TO IT, THAT'S WHY. 'JESUS GIMME THIS. JESUS GIMME THAT. KILL MY ENEMIES. LEMME WIN THE 3RD RACE TODAY AT PIMLICO TODAY SO I CAN BUY SOME MORE SLINT'. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. UH, I MEAN, GODDAMN IT. YOU TRY TO SLEEP THROUGH THAT SHIT. WHAT? OF COURSE IT WAS THE JEWS WHO KILLED ME. THE JEWS ARE ESPECIALLY ADEPT AT KILLING OTHER JEWS. BESTED ONLY BY THE RATE AT WHICH NEGROES KILL OTHER NEGROES. YEAH, YEAH, JUST LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE FUCKING PLANET. I MEAN THE DRAPES ARE REALLY WORKING. DRAPES AND GENOCIDE. PERFECT. OH YEAH: MEL GIBSON REALLY IS AN ASSHOLIC PIECE OF SHIT. EVEN GOD SAYS SO
This moment of JESUS SPEAKS was brought to you by both JESUS and JE-SUS (HEY-ZEUS): one for the inspiration and one for the H. Thank God.
TOP HEAVY TART TAWNY PEAKS HAS A LITTLE OFFA THE TOP
NOW HERE'S A MAN I WOULDN'T WANT TO FIGHT.
MIAMI (SkullGame) -- Legendary stripper and clothes taker-offer TAWNY PEAKS has just sold the tits offa her chest for $16,766. The implants from her 69HH bazongas sold on eBay's Lunatic Fringe over Peak's notoriety as the defendant in the "I-got-titties-in-the-face-and-am-gay-and-so-will-now-sue" whiplash case. The erstwhile plaintiff said her cachungos were "like two cement blocks. Two...lovely...warm...and nippled globes of bricklike love."
The case, befitting the situation's gravity, immediately went to arbitration on The People's Court TV show and the judge, former New York City Mayor and not-so-closeted gay man ED KOCH, ordered a female bailiff named "BUTCH," to examine Peaks' privates in private, where Tawny's breasts were found to be "soft. Like...two...lovely...warm...and nippled globes of coconutted love." Koch immediately ruled they were not dangerous, refused to award damages and recused himself to THE MINESHAFT for drinks and anonymous sex with ex-cons.
Peaks said she has since become "kind of a recluse." Either that or without the tits, just totally fucking invisible.
Goldenpalace Casino, who bought the fake tits, last year also paid $28,000 for a 10-year old grilled
cheese sandwich, which looked like the Virgin.
"What's a virgin?"
Fuck, if we know.
WHITNEY HOUSTON'S PERPETUAL NON-REHAB HIGH FORCES REHAB. AGAIN.
"I HAVE OVERCOME MY UNSPECIFIED PROBLEMS BY REPLACING VICE WITH VIRTUE. THE VICE OF NOT HAVING ENOUGH CRACK WITH THE VIRTUE OF HAVING JUST ENOUGH. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME A WINNER!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) --WHITNEY HOUSTON's experiment with non-rehab has gone so well that's she's checked back into a drug rehabilitation facility just a year after her first stay, to fortify herself for a subsequent stab at more non-rehab.
After a stint in a facility 12 months ago, Houston went on aggressive non-rehab, and appeared to be fighting to make a comeback by stunning guests at the World Music Awards in Las Vegas last September with a powerful non-rehab'd "performance."
And just last month Houston was in Europe for a string of private concerts. But now, according to entertainment news show "Access Hollywood," the soul superstar is seeking further help for her drug problems -- just weeks before she was due to complete recording on her comeback album Just Whitney.
The singer's publicist Nancy Seltzer Wednesday confirmed the reports, stating, "Whitney Houston has re-entered a rehabilitation facility today and she's looking to getting out and getting back to what she does best: high and delivering accomplished hummers to Dominican dealers for hubba."
Perfect.
TOMMY "SLAPPY" SIZEMORE TO MEET EAGER SODOMITES; SODOMITES CELEBRATE. THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW.
IF I WAS HIGH WOULD I STILL BE ABLE TO CELEBRATE THE SLAUGHTER OF JESUS AND ROCK THIS SAILOR SUIT AS WELL AS I AM, YOUR HONOUR? HEY, YOU BE THE JUDGE!!!
LOS ANGELES (SkullGame) -- US movie star TOM "SLAP-A-HOE" SIZEMORE was sentenced to 21 months in jail after repeatedly failing drug tests while on probation for treating HEIDI FLEISS like a prostitute.
But Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Antonio "CHEWY" Barreto let Sizemore remain free and shit pending an appeal of his 2003 conviction for domestic violence involving his ex-girlfriend Fleiss.
Before being sentenced on Thursday, an emotional Sizemore pleaded before the judge, who could have jailed the star of such films as SAVING PRIVATE RYAN and BLACKHAWK DOWN, for four and a half years, not to do so.
"I didn't do the initial things I was accused of doing," he said. "The initial thing wasn't that thing that I thought I did before I did that thing that I was accused of. I deserve a second chance, sir. To get highhhhh, ooooo, SO, high. I mean I've never been in trouble before being accused of doing the initial things I was accused of doing. You see, the initial thing wasn't that thing that I thought I did before I did that other thing.
"I assure your honour that I'm not acting now. Very much. I'm not acting, I'm begging, I'm beseeching you. I cannot imagine my future without performing. And getting high," the 43-year-old Sizemore said. "But mostly getting high."
Sizemore was found guilty on February 24 of violating probation and of being in possession of methamphetamine. Which were prescribed by a DR. WHITNEY HOUSTON. Prosecutors said he failed seven drug tests and admitted to the use of drugs. For, uh, depression.
Haven't we all?
