Yo Vinnie,
Big tits just kill me. Intellectually I know that it's the same as having small feet, or black hair. I know it's just a physical characteristic, but I'm obsessed by them. I wouldn't say this is fucking up my life but when I meet a woman with large tits, I can't talk right. I'm afraid she'll know so I pay no attention to them at all, which makes it worse, since I have to use lots of energy to do this. This causes me to only fuck women with small tits and so this is the problem. I can't get what I want and I want it so much that I can't think straight. Is there an answer here outside of hookers?--Meyer Russ (by email)

I...WILL...CRUSH...YOUR...SOUL!

Dear Mother, Juggs and Speed: Yes. Yes, there is an answer.

It's my patented UGLY GRADUATION PRINCIPLE, which we usually sell for a modest $19.95 (from vinnie@skullgame.com), but which I will share with you in skeletal fashion now for absolutely fucking nothing.

First: find the ugliest woman with big tits that you can find.

No teeth? Fine.

Crap caked to her ass? Perfect.

Massively obese? Just what the fucking doctor ordered.

Now, fuck her. If you can. You may not be able to, but don't let that stop you.

Now how do you feel? Disgusted? Uneasy. Nauseated?

Oh yeah. It's okay, we won't make you go back.

Now fuck one that while she has teeth only has crap caked to her massively obese ass.

How do you feel? Only uneasy and nauseated? This is what we call progress. Now repeat until you're fucking something that won't give you nightmares and your little problem will seem an amusing historical note.

Oh, and as an aside: there is no answer for almost any of life's questions that does NOT involve hookers.