BRITNEY MAKES OUT WITH HER GRANDMA MADONNA WHILE CHRISTINA TENDS THE BUSHES

CAN THE LESBIANS GO WILD VIDEO EXCLUSIVE BE FAR BEHIND?

In a last desperate grab for some sort of media significance of even the most fleeting kind, GRANDMA, er, the ghost of Christmas past and pop sensation MADONNA mauled little Red Riding Hood SPEARS and her dog Toto CHRISTINA AGUILAR in an MTV moment worthy of nearly 90 percent less attention than it's already received.

When reached for comment a nation yawned.

ITALIAN SALVO: Goddamned Governor Mary Carey?

Half of San Fernando Valley says: ALRIGHT!! And then heads to Taco Bell for some Mexican eating

THEY'RE UNEVEN AREN'T THEY?!? DON'T STARE! WHY ARE YOU STARING?!?

Porn star MARY CAREY shows she is unafraid to take on the tough issues.

She supports not only physician-assisted suicide, but the legalization of ferrets. Whoah! Take it easy Mary. Touching a political hot button like the legalization of ferrets could easily turn into a political firestorm, which could just as easily turn around and bite her in her more than ample ass.

Some of her more relevant campaign promises are as follows:

She promises to create a “Porn for Pistols” program to take handguns off the streets. Dealing with the violence and injuries associated with handguns is a huge drain on the state's resources. And lord knows after I bust a nut in someone's ass, the last thing I’m thinking about doing is busting a cap in someone’s ass.

As Governor, she promises to recruit fellow performers from the adult video industry as ambassadors of good will. These ambassadors will be a great help to California when it comes to such things as negotiating rates for buying electricity from neighboring states. Or last minute Meth deals.

And finally, if elected Governor, Mary will wire the Governor’s Mansion with live web cams in every room. She plans to create a pay site, and all money collected will go toward reducing the deficit. Californians will get to see their government in action - literally! When reached for comment guys at CSPAN all simultaneously shit their brown polyester pants.

CONFIDENTIAL, ON THE QT AND VERY HUSH HUSH

I AM SO SLAMMERGASTED

Look whose getting shaken down by cops outside of a TEXAS hot spot. We're not in the business of giving answers, we're in the business of asking questions.

Like:

1) does said soon-to-be-arrested slut have anymore OXYCONTIN hidden in her shoes? We mean if she was wearing any shoes?

2) How's that rehab working out for you?

and finally

3) do blowjobs still work as the medium of exchange with cops these days?

We await the answers from JUNEBUG, our SKULLGAME field photog in TEXAS.